The distinct honor of Bachelorette villain has been officially bequeathed upon Brayden Bowers, a 24-year-old travel nurse who looks as if Ryan from High School Musical had an older cousin who gave out bootleg stick-and-pokes in between shifts at the local surf shop.
Brayden became an immediate presence on Charity’s season after accidentally bragging about his make-out escapades to Charity’s IMF agent brother, and then subsequently questioning Charity’s character when he learned she had kissed other guys, AKA the whole premise of the franchise.
Maybe Brayden will return to a fulfilling life of nursing after he gets booted from the show, but would you really trust someone in a velvet shirt to test your blood? To help ease the challenging transition from reality TV contestant to productive member of society, we took the liberty of brainstorming five new careers that will properly showcase his many talents.
Disney Channel Costume Designer
“Tiny scarf! Seven tank tops! Two belts! Bangle Bracelets! Chevron headband!!!!!”
These are the frantic commands from Brayden as Disney Channel’s costume designer for their new hit show Totes Viral —- it’s about quadruplets who become TikTok famous when their lemonade stand catches the attention of a teen pop idol.
Jesse Palmer may think Brayden dresses like a goober, but tween girls across America are plastering his fashion creations to their lockers and begging their moms to take them shopping at JCPenny to buy dupes. Tiger Beat is waiting with baited breath to book him for their August cover shoot.
Waffle Mix Entrepreneur
One minute Brayden is brainstorming his paper-themed first anniversary gift for Charity, the next he’s walking it back like a guy who told his buddies he’d ask out the hot bartender but cools his jets as soon as the tequila buzz wears off.
All of this waffling makes Brayden the perfect candidate for a waffle mix startup. It’s gluten-free and has a corny-ass name like “Waffly Good.”
He takes it on Shark Tank where he nails his intro pitch because Laurie likes his puns, but falls flat when he can’t answer any of Mark’s hard-hitting numbers questions.
Piercing Pagoda Manager
Brayden may not walk away from The Bachelorette with the final rose, but Charity will never forget his extensive earring collection (no matter how hard she tries).
Brayden can use the same skillset he developed as a nurse at a more appropriate venue —- a Piercing Pagoda in a regional mall. He’ll upsell you on getting your cartilage done, convince you to buy the most atrocious feather earrings because they “vibe with your aura,” and then invite you to Buffalo Wild Wings after his shift.
Interim Secretary of the Bachelor Nation Villains Coalition
They might not have an official Instagram page, but this clan definitely exists. They probs have quarterly meetings to discuss the art of negging, and in the summer they host movie nights where they screen shit like He’s Just Not That Into You and a supercut of all the sex scenes in Blue Is The Warmest Color.
Brayden may not be influential enough for a permanent officer position, but he can serve an interim role while we wait for the next Luke P.
Host at The Slutty Vegan
While he inexplicably finds ways to make Charity laugh, Brayden’s comedic chops won’t cut it when it comes to pursuing a career as a standup. But he has just enough 2010 millennial humor to work at Williamsburg’s The Slutty Vegan, where the hosts famously call everyone a slut on the loudspeaker as they enter the store and engage in unnecessary banter while you try to order your plant-based cheese fries.
As anyone who’s worked in the service industry knows, all you really need to succeed is one or two middling bits to get your basic betch customers roaring with laughter, so Brayden’s “holy shitake mushrooms” goldmine is bound to have him rolling in singles.