‘Big Little Lies’ Recap: Kids Don’t Know How To Gossip

Another weekend has gone by of me spending too much money, drinking too much rosé, and texting too many people who just reply a day later saying “uh… who is this?” My only constant? Big Little Lies. If you missed my recap of the first episode, I honestly don’t blame you, work has been crazy for me too—but drinks soon! Regardless, let’s strap in and basically all fly out to Monterey to teach any of these people how to keep a secret and gossip.

To be honest, I missed the first two minutes of this episode because I was too busy nursing my Ariana Grande concert-induced hangover with a sweet potato roll and the episode of Sex and the City where Carrie is mad no one wants to buy her apartment for her… same. Soooo, if anything insane happened then please just DM me on Instagram (@kashmeredanny) and let me know if Renata did any more lip-syncing.

This episode starts with Celeste driving while imagining hot sex and immediately getting in a car accident, but she’s sort of treating it like an orgasm? She’s wearing Uggs, so shout-out to New Jersey. Yikes—turns out she was driving on Ambien and didn’t remember it at all. Anyone who has pants that they in no way can pull off and don’t remember ordering arrive at their door can attest to the dangerous power of Ambien. Suddenly, Madeline picks up Bonnie too, because I guess the writers were inspired by the beginning of That’s 70s Show. Shout-out to Bonnie calling a lazy walk in a cardigan a hike, because same.

Renata is going to be on the cover of the #1 women’s magazine, which I’m assuming is Golf Digest. Oops, before she can schedule her Glam Squad, her husband is getting arrested and the same cop who has been giving them side-eye all day is there.

I’m also so happy that there’s more Meryl Streep vs. Madeline—and also I just now remembered Meryl’s character’s name is Mary Louise but TBH, I feel like I can only call her Meryl Streep out of respect. Still praying for a Ryan Murphy Feud series about these two.

WHY THE HELL IS JANE ON A PSEUDO DATE WITH THE TEENAGER THAT IS ALSO HER COWORKER?? Raise your hand if a guy ever told you “he gets good feelings about people” over a seaweed salad. Starting a support group for all of us whose favorite Asian restaurants are tarnished by bad first dates.

Bonnie’s kids are (obviously) catching on that their mom is spiraling out of control, and by spiraling I mean just being very moody and sighing. Get this girl a fainting couch ASAP. Naturally, she thinks she’s getting watched, because she probably is.

MORE THERAPIST IN THE DARK. Do we think she’s wearing a Countess Cabaret Collection necklace?? She’s trying to help Celeste remember that her husband was a piece of sh*t. Ugh, I just want to give Celeste (and Nicole Kidman) a constant hug. The therapist is having her imagine her friends going through what she’s gone through as a way to realize how awful her experiences really were. Turns out, therapy works?

Renata having to strip tease her way through a court house is truly me going through TSA, flipping out that my water bottle has a little liquid left. This feels like a great topical storyline, though, because I feel like everyone in California is stealing money from their work or  bribing state schools to get their kids to get in. Turns out he bet…everything… and their entire family is f*cked, besides their daughter’s trust fund. Siri, what’s a trust fund?

QUOTE OF MY LIFE: “I WILL NOT NOT BE RICH.”

Nothing is more California than two women in a yoga class debating if one of their crushes has Aspergers while their nipples are showing through their shirt. Uh oh, #girltalk cut short by the introduction of Bonnie’s mom that led to a full-on meltdown.

I’ll give anyone a million dollars to remember the name of any of the husbands on this show week to week. I just keep looking at the screen and going, “maybe Todd?”.

Madeline and Renata coming together is truly the power couple we need, and Renata is suspicious that the cops after them are trying to get them down in different ways. Madeline, trying to help like most friends, offers Xanax.

Update: hot teacher is still hot. He’s here to talk about anything, so I’m scheduling a teacher’s conference ASAP. Celeste’s kids are starting to talk about their dad, and they’re addressing that they don’t think she’s good to talk to because she just tries to pretend everything is okay. Kids, they’re cheaper than therapy—until you have to pay for college.

Celeste and Mary Louise (aka Meryl  Streep) are actually starting to kind of bond and she opens up about the Uber Ambien she took. Streep is renting an apartment nearby and TBH I’m ready to be a roommate. “Madeline told me you and she had words,” okay Kidman, this is not The Hours. Let’s just say they talked sh*t.

Apparently Perry used to describe Celeste as an enigma, which, cool. Guess it’s better than my dates who describe me as “messy and a little too tipsy.”

Oof. This scene is hard. Celeste pushed her kids in a rage and panic about their fighting because she doesn’t want them to be like their dad—only to have Meryl Streep give her major side-eye.

Does Bonnie own a couch? Why is she never sitting on it and always pretending to hike?

Okay, two husbands are talking with none of their wives—time to use the bathroom. Like, they have to talk to each other in-between takes and wonder, “are we really needed here?”

Getting MAJOR TRUE CRIME FEELS with this storyline. Shameless time to plug my podcast with Betches, Not Another True Crime Podcast. Can’t wait for our fictional episode to cover this.

The husband is back on the screen and talking about healthy french fries. I’m sorry, but can we go back to Madeline ordering coffee? Truly could just watch that on a loop. Wait I take it back, because Bonnie’s mom is bat sh*t and stirring the pot. She’s definitely the Dorinda Medley of this world, and I’m here for it. Apparently she loves to cause drama and maybe drinks too much wine, so I’ve found my new favorite character. Also, I love how she’s the only one who obviously was able to connect the dots that she started to become depressed… right after Perry died.

Another Perry x Celeste flashback. I’m refusing to be attracted to him in this show so just going to rewatch True Blood after this. UH-OH, Mary Louise now knows about Jane’s son’s connection but she has no clue how she knows. Layers are happening.

THANK GOD WE’RE BACK TO MADELINE’S HOUSE WHICH IS MY DREAM HOME. Omg Chloe is causing drama now and is the one who told all the kids about this. I’ve never respected her more but also… sh*t is getting real. Apparently the kids have known for a few months, so guess they’re the little part of Big Little Lies. Okay maybe I do like Jane because this scene is wow. Powerful.

Madeline is back and talking about “fundamental principles” which is my homeostasis. Adam Scott, calm down. Madeline probably forgot to tell you about this because she forgot you existed like we all did. Chloe did learn the major thing of gossiping, though: no paper trails and always deny.

Now Mary Louise is acting like our government and not believing a victim. Celeste is now telling her about the abuse that Perry committed, to no avail. Having to talk to your mother-in-law about a rape, abuse, and sex all in one conversation is HBO. Now, Mary Louise is threatening to go to the cops about everything Celeste has been hiding. Damn I’M SO HAPPY THIS SECOND SEASON IS HAPPENING.

Bonnie’s mom is walking around with feathers and crystals, because that’s what happens when you drink too much in California. Okay she’s performing a spiritual cleanse on Bonnie, maybe this is True Blood after all?

Celeste and Jane touch base in scarves the size of Rhode Island, after realizing that their kids entire worlds were… turned upside down. “I know you have to protect your boys but I have to protect mine,” it’s about to be a… Mom Off.  

Madeline and Bonnie talk until Bonnie runs off saying the lie is going to get us. She’s 100% becoming the Lucy Hale of this whole operation.

Renata flipping out on her husband is giving me satisfaction for me and also her, because honestly f*ck all of this guy. Oh, he wanted more. As a white man, all I can say is end white men.

Every Uber driver to me after asking for the Aux cord ten times in a row.

Madeline’s daughter wearing a beret and talking about not wanting to go to college is very Daria, which is a show I love but should stay animated. Drink every time Reese Witherspoon says fundamental, betch loves a buzzword. AND THE DARIA BERET GIRL GOES ON AND DROPS THE BOMB THAT MADELINE CHEATED. ADAM SCOTT’S CHARACTER WILL NEVER WIN.

Love the fireplace, Celeste. Honestly there should be a show after this show just giving us a walk through of all their homes. Would you watch that? HBO, can I host it? The kids now all learn that they’re biologically related. Question of the century: “was our daddy a bad person?” Uhhhh…

Reese pulls a Hilary Duff and comes clean about the affair to an Adam Scott who seems to very much NGAF. He gives her a laundry list of all of her errors which, fair… but come on, she’s Reese. And just like that, Madeline’s fantasy suite is over. Bet her daughter will want to run away to college now to get out of that situation.

Bonnie’s mom is randomly planting at night, which I guess I would probably do if I had a garden and also had three pinot noirs. They’re talking about visions to each other and I’m praying… please don’t make this show about witchcraft. It’s so perfect and good, we don’t need that storyline to start. Real question: does anyone talk to Bonnie’s kids?

Wait I got it: Renata, Celeste and Madeline all move in together, basically becoming the Golden Girls. Then, this show can never end. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Okay and I’m fully sobbing at Jane and Celeste’s kids all coming together as a family. WITH AN ANTIPASTO PLATTER. BE STILL, MY HEART. Damn, this show knows how to continue a story. Until next time.

Me driving off right now but by driving off I mean going to get an iced coffee. Byeee!

Images: Giphy (6), HBO