Let’s all send Arie Luyendyk Jr. a big THANK YOU, because he just saved us about six hours of our lives. It appears he confirmed on Twitter that he picks Lauren B. as his winner, and now we don’t have to carry on watching this man, whose contour was done by a blind woman, woo a fembot dressed like a basic bitch.
Despite the fact that the
dummies contestants ABC hires for The Bachelor sign non-disclosure agreements, it seems every season the winner gets out. Looking at you, Reality Steve. Thanks for keeping my bracket a winner for three straight seasons! If it’s not leaked on the internet, some Instagram models contestants accidentally leak it themselves. For instance, on her season of The Bachelorette, Kaitlyn Bristowe posted a Snapchat of herself in bed with her winner Shawn before the final episode aired, while her second-place finisher Nick Viall sat in a corner somewhere drying his tears with a chunky knit turtleneck.
Ah, the memories.
Now, Arie is our latest offender. After this week’s episode, a fan tweeted (and now deleted) a picture of a bunch of vanilla ice cream and captioned it something like “Lauren B’s family.” Um, exactly what we’ve been saying. Arie then tweeted back, “my favorite flavor.” Oh my god Arie, you can’t just confirm your winner on Twitter!
Did you think this was like texting where it just went to one person? I’ve heard that complaint from my grandparents a lot. From now on, stick to the things you know how to use. Like desktop computers and landlines. Mmkay?
Actual footage of Arie on Twitter:
But let’s get real for a second, It’s been obvious for a while that Lauren B is going to be the winner. Arie literally had to get up from the table when she declared her love to
jerk off gather his emotions. And of the other two options, one is getting dangerously close to stuffing him and mounting him on her murder wall, and the other is a brunette. Game over.
Then again, Arie did attempt to “clarify” (probably at gunpoint by Mike Fleiss) that he just genuinely enjoys the ice cream equivalent of unsalted air-popped popcorn (I paraphrase). In a follow-up tweet he posted, he said, “I just really like vanilla ice cream”.
I just really like vanilla ice cream
— Arie Luyendyk Jr. (@ariejr) February 20, 2018
Sure, Jan. Sure.