This week on The Bachelor we’re treated to an up close and personal look at the girls’
daddy issues families. That’s right people, we’ve made it to the hometown dates. I mean, I’ve 100 percent already predicted exactly how this shit is about to play out, but by all means, ABC, please try and entertain me. Anyway, let’s get into this week’s Bachelor recap.
Kendall’s Hometown Date
Okay, every time I see Kendall’s face I’m amazed she’s still here. She’s like “I want to show Arie all the things that make me, me” and I’m almost certain those “things” she’s referring to are the stuffed heads in her bedroom.
Wow Kendall really isn’t going to ease Arie in even a little to the idea that she has a
Red Room of Pain taxidermy playroom, is she? Even Christian Grey had to work his way up to butt stuff showing Ana his playroom. This girl is ballsy.
Wait she wants him TO MOUNT DEAD ANIMALS WITH HER?? I have seen some kinky shit in my day, but this takes the cake.
Kendall: In a way, taxidermy is like the perfect relationship, because it’s something that’s never going to break up with you or end in any way ever…
God, this girl is a fucking psycho. I love it.
I’m watching these two make out and all I can think is I really hope they washed the rabies off their hands before they made out. Fingers crossed.
HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE. Kendall’s twin sister’s name is Kylie?? Is Kris Jenner aware there are two of these walking around in the world? Is she??
Kylie keeps talking about how she doesn’t “feel” the connection between Kendall and Arie, but I didn’t realize that in her spare time she also fronted as Miss Cleo? Like what do you mean, you don’t feel the connection? He stuffed a dead rat for your sister and still wanted to make out with her after. If that isn’t real human connection, then IDK what is. Just because you’re feeling yourself in that satin Kimono doesn’t mean you have a sixth sense when it comes to human emotion. GTFO.
Sidenote: Who else thinks Kendall might be mounting Kylie’s head on her wall when she dies? The ultimate catch! Your own face on a wall!
Their date ends on a meh note. As much as I appreciate Kendall and all her weirdness I’m 99.9 percent sure she’s going home. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned on this show, it’s that having a personality will get you nowhere. Best of luck though, sweetie!
Tia’s Hometown Date
We now move on to Weiner, Arkansas, where Tia grew up. Stand by for Tia making awkward weiner puns for the next 10-15 minutes.
Tia plans a crazy romantic day date that’s unlike anything Arie has ever experienced before: racing cars! Seriously, Tia? Are you fucking kidding me with this? This is the most creative, romantic date you could come up with? The two of you are spending a very crucial day together in separate cars, for god’s sake!
Arie is like “I’m so impressed with her for really knowing me” but, like, the only thing I know about you is that you race cars and will bang anything that looks barely legal.
And would you look at that. Tia’s family are serving weenies as appetizers because Arie is in Weiner. What did I tell you about the weiner puns?
Tia’s brother pulls Arie aside to talk about Arie’s reputation as a “playboy” which is fucking laughable. Has he been watching this show? Let me set your mind at ease here, Tia’s brother. This is the bad boy your sister has been dating for the last 12 days:
Yeah, I think your sister will be fine.
Tia tells Arie that she loves him at the end of her date as if that will save her from Arie inevitably choosing
a girl with the personality of gluten free frosting Lauren B over her.
Becca K’s Hometown Date
Becca starts her date by apologizing for the entire state of Minnesota, which, like, fair. She is trying to woo him with a state that 85 percent of the time is miserable to live in. It’s a strong start for sure. They go apple picking and it’s cute AF. Arie shows more emotion than I’ve seen from in 7 fucking episodes, and all he’s doing is eating apples and freezing his ass off. He must really like her.
Becca talks about how her dad passed away and how he’s been watching over her throughout this whole process and all I can think is “Jesus god, I hope not.” Here’s hoping the afterlife spares him from watching his daughter compete in this train wreck of a show.
I honestly don’t have much to say about this date. She’s cute, Arie’s cute with her, her whole family is freaking adorable. I was hoping “Guard Dog” Uncle Gary aka guy who looks like an extra from the set of Chicago PD /real-life pastor would beat the shit out of Arie, because that would make for some great TV, but as it turns out Uncle Gary is about as scary as me when I need a Snickers bar. Is a little family drama too much to ask for these days, ABC? Is it?
Lauren B’s Hometown Date
Last, but certainly least,
because this is about to be boring as shit we have Lauren B’s date. I’m still not entirely unconvinced that she isn’t a robot woman created in the ABC studio as a last-minute love interest for Arie when girls started dropping out after they found out he was the new Bachelor. I guess you could say that I have high hopes for this couple.
Okay, what kind of psychopath wears velvet to the beach?? (An animatronic fembot who doesn’t have sweat glands, that’s who.)
Arie is, like, having a hot flash over meeting Lauren’s family and I am LOVING his general discomfort at being around a family that could model in a Vineyard Vines catalog. Dead rats and a Miss Cleo interrogation? Fine. A family of khaki-wearing blond people asking about his life and general interests? Terrifying. This may or may not be the best thing that The Bachelor has given me since they put Nick Viall in a chunky knit turtleneck and had him talk about giving women orgasms.
Lauren’s dad keeps trying to connect with Arie, but little does he know that Arie has about as many masculine qualities as my Lilly Pulitzer monthly planner. Her dad is like, “you don’t know anyone in the military? You don’t golf?”
LOL did Arie just flee another dinner table with Lauren B sitting at it? Again?! If it happened once, I’d write it off as some weird coincidence. Twice and I’d start to think that my general presence is giving the guy I’m dating indigestion. I would try and judge what Lauren’s thinking about all of this, but she’s not programmed to display that kind of facial expression just yet.
I love that all of these families are acting shocked that their daughters are this into Arie and, honestly, same. Welcome to my
hell last eight weeks, people!
Fucking finally. It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Lauren’s dad takes Arie out back and it looks like a parent might finally verbally or physically beat the shit out of Arie. *turns up volume*
WAIT, WHAT?! Where did Arie come up with that Miss America scripted perfect response? Do you think when he went to the bathroom, the producers gave him a cheat sheet for how to impress Lauren’s dad? Cause that’s literally the only explanation for how he was able to pull this story out of his ass.
Lauren: I don’t think Arie would say “I’m falling for you” to any other girls?
Lauren’s Mom And All Of America:
The Rose Ceremony
Ah, my favorite moment of the evening. When Arie judges a girl based on
how well her mom ages her family. *turns up volume*
Arie is acting like tonight’s choice is sooo hard but we all know that he’s going to get rid of the girl who made him play with dead animal skins, right?
Sidenote: can we analyze these dresses for a minute here? Because Lauren B is the only one who came here to
play seduce him one last time with her dress choice. Kendall looks fine. Becca looks like she’s going to her least favorite sorority sister’s wedding. And, then we have Tia who decided to come looking like a glammed up version of Wilma Flintstone. Girlfriend, this is not the hollarin’ contest! Step your game up!
Arie pulls Kendall aside, and I am on fucking edge. Meanwhile, Tia looks like she might fling herself off a cliff any moment. She’s like “who is he deciding between? WHO IS IT BETWEEN?”
Arie is practically waterboarding Kendall for answers on how she feels about him. He’s like, “Can you get there? Do you want to marry me?” and she’s like, “Uhhh we’ll see won’t we?” Honestly, I love her so much. She’s handling this like a fucking queen.
Also, this entire set-up feels like an easy way for Arie to have a reason to cut her. Like Becca K also didn’t say the “L” word and yet you aren’t backing her into a literal corner during the middle of a rose ceremony.
Other things I’ve learned from watching this show: Honesty is never rewarded. Poor Kenny. It was nice knowing ya.
WHAT. KENDALL GETS THE ROSE. WHAT. I may or may not have just spit my wine all over my couch. Damn. Arie must really
think Kendall’s a freak in the sheets be into the taxidermy thing.
Oh God. Tia is fucking losing it. Is this the part where Raven comes out of nowhere and beats Arie with a shoe?? *prays to all that is good and holy* Honestly, Tia, dry your tears girl. You’re going to go v v far on a little Mexican beach known as Bachelor in Paradise. You’re gonna be just fine.
And on that note, BYE BITCHES!