My Dearest ABC Unscripted Chief Rob Mills,
How the hell are ya? Hope the Malibu sun isn’t beating down too hard — but then again, if it was, I’m sure you’d have 17 ABC PAs there to fan you like the Roman Emperor that you are! I kid! You’d only use 11, you’d never waste resources like that.
Huge congrats on the success of The Golden Bachelor, by the way. Who knew that the American public would go so ga-ga for grandmas? You did, you perceptive king.
On that note, you must be giving a lot of thought to which of Gerry’s lovely ladies you’d want to headline The Golden Bachelorette should the sister franchise get greenlit.
I get that there are a lot of safe choices out there, and in corporate America, the path of least resistance is what gets us home for dinner with the wife by 5. So you might be thinking, let’s just go with Joan! She’s a fan favorite, has a banging bod, and her love story was so tragically cut short by the fact that she’s an ANGEL MOM who needed to help her child in need.
An easy narrative, easy on the eyes, everyone’s happy. I acknowledge this strategy as valid, but I’m gonna ask you to go on a little Thought Walk with me.
Remember back in 2018, when you and your team shocked the nation by picking the kooky Hannah Brown to be Bachelorette over picture-perfect politician Caelynn Miller-Keyes? And America was like, “how unorthodox!” but it ended up being the most iconic season of all time? The windmill sex, the podium move, Marcus the zit!
Beautiful things can happen on screen when you let zany ladies take the wheel, which is why I implore you to consider April as your first Golden Bachelorette:
Reason #1: She’s horny AF.
From her “titillating” chicken routine during the limo entrances to giving Gerry a private dance at his birthday party, April is just as flirtatious and spry as the 24-year-old marketing coordinators we’re accustomed to seeing at the mansion.
The Golden franchise gives olds the opportunity to show the world that just because they had their hip replaced doesn’t mean they aren’t DTF, and April completely exemplifies that important media representation.
Reason #2: She’s a girl’s girl.
April was a founding member of the now defunct mansion clique ASK’N, of “you’re askin’, we’re tellin’’” fame, which proves that she’s not just a man-eating sexpot, she’s earned the respect of the other women, too.
That’s huge! A lead needs to be both enthralling to the men and an aspirational bestie to the women watching at home. April is two for two.
Reason #3: She knows how to showboat.
Faking a pickleball injury to get extra attention from Gerry? That’s the kind of commitment to the bit we need from a lead. Just imagine how many more legendary moments like these we could get from an hour of April every week.
Look, I understand that getting all your fancy stakeholders on board for this might take a little extra leg work. You might have to miss a couple of your kids’ basketball games due to some late nights at the office, but they’ll understand when they see the television masterpiece that you’ve puppeteered.
When Geppetto made Pinocchio, he brought to life a groundbreaking puppet that spawned multiple franchises and earned millions of box office dollars — imagine what would have happened instead if he had settled on just whittling a spoon or a coaster because it was “easy.”
The choice to be bold is yours: April 2024.