Another Month Slips Away: Weekend Horoscopes July 31-Aug 2

Holy sh*t, it’s August. Remember when we thought COVID was a passing phase and we’d all be back to normal by April? Joke’s on us! Maybe if we’d listened and worn masks/social distanced/not been assholes, we’d be out of this nightmare by now. At this point, we’ll be lucky if the holidays are f*cking normal. And by normal, I mean being able to chug a bottle of wine while dodging my in-laws’ inquiries about my parenting skills. Perhaps the stars can guide us on how to f*cking behave.


Time to take a look at your routines, or lack thereof, Leo. Is your work life allowing you time to relax? Is your relaxation time eating into your work life? Are you having trouble finding time to like, shower? Or leave the house? Examine that sh*t this weekend and readjust as necessary. It’s important to keep things in balance even during these stupid, sad COVID times.


Fun and romance combine this weekend, Virgo, so sex and pizza and sweatpants are probs all on your upcoming Saturday agenda. Sunday, you may be feeling a little meh and like you lack confidence in a bunch of departments. Ignore that sh*t and do something to take your mind off it. We recommend a walk outside and maybe some day drinking.


Sh*t, attack your chores this weekend, Libra. You’ve been itching to put up a gallery wall, clean out the garage, and bother your S.O. to hang that mirror over the bed. Basically, all things home and hearth are going to be on your radar this weekend, so just put on your apron (or house lounge outfit) and lean in.


You’re kind of in a mind-explosion state of being this weekend, Scorpio. Basically, turning your brain off won’t be an option. Use it to your advantage and get a head start on that work project, or throw yourself into a creative project like painting a mural on your apartment wall to piss off your landlord. Sunday things will relax a little, so use that time to turn your attention to calling your dad and talking about lawn mowers or whatever.


Money is the name of the game this weekend, Sagittarius. Like, it kind of always is, but this weekend is especially good for making (and sticking to) a budget. You’ll also want to avoid spending a sh*tload of money on things you don’t need. I don’t care how discounted that sweater blazer from J.Crew is—you already have four colors and you don’t need a fifth.


Time to spend some time on yourself, Capricorn. The planets are pushing you to examine relationships, so take the weekend to slather on some self-care, examine your health habits, and do whatever makes you happy. Maybe it’s a long bath with a bottle of wine. Maybe its treating yourself to everything on the Taco Bell menu, which, I assume, would still cost under $50. Whatever it is, you do you.


All aboard the feeeeeelings train, Aquarius. The universe is trying to bestow some wisdom this weekend, so pay attention to gut feelings, dreams, and your intuition. Maybe you’ve been feeling weird about your job lately, or maybe you’ve been debating cutting some people out of your life. Sleep on it, think on it, and lean in to whatever your emotions tell you.


Spend some time with your favs this weekend, Pisces, even if it’s over FaceTime or in a socially distanced setting. You may be craving alone time after this week, but the stars say it’s best to surround yourself with friendly faces Saturday. After you bring joy to other people’s social lives, use Sunday to cater to yourself.


The moon is highlighting your professional life, so use the weekend to peruse some career opportunities. You may be like, moderately happy in your 9 to 5, but it never hurts to explore other options. Update your resume, finish that online class you’ve been ignoring, and make mom and dad happy they paid for that college degree.


GTFO of the house in some capacity this weekend, Taurus. Use Saturday for an early morning hike and picnic away from other people. Bonus points if you and a companion can chug a bottle of wine at lunch then navigate a nature trail back to your apartment. Sunday is for long car rides and getting take out to support local in some neighboring town. Just wear your f*cking mask and be responsible about it.


Do something fun with your partner this weekend, Gemini. Sure, it could be sex-ing your way through that tantric sex manual, or it could be something tame like changing out the hardware on your bathroom fixtures. Come Sunday, the moon is going to push you both to try something you haven’t before, so you could attempt not yelling at him for scrolling Instagram when you want attention.


Treat yo’self, Cancer. The moon and stars are highlighting your relationship with yourself, so it’s okay to be a little selfish this weekend. Turn off your phone and head outside for a solitary walk, or draw the curtains and lay around all day with your bestie, Netflix. Whatever you do, don’t worry about pleasing others for 48 hours. Oh, and if your phone is going to be off, def tell your mom first. You know how she worries.

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Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki aka Betchy Crocker writes about food, fashion, and whatever else she's in the mood to complain about for Betches and like, some other people. She resides in Asheville, NC, where she spends her time judging hipsters and holding on to her Jersey heritage and superiority. Yell at her on Instagram @sarahnowicholson