Now that The Bachelor has ended and we are all in shock about what a piece of SHIT he is—I’m sorry, by “shock” I mean, we all fucking knew but he further proved it—there is only one remaining question. Exactly when did all of this shit happen? From the episode, it seemed like Arie proposed to Becca, popped the Champagne, had a romantic weekend getaway, and then was like, “You know, I’ve fucked you enough times now, so I’m going to go fuck Lauren instead.” But then during After the Final Rose, Chris and the women kept throwing out dates. Chris said, “a few weeks later”, the girls said over a month. So when exactly did this destruction occur? How long did Arie Needledick wait until proposing to another woman? How many times can you realistically do that in a month? Let’s break it down. We did some Pulitzer prizeworthy investigation to bring you a timeline of Arie and Lauren’s relationship.
September 2017: The Bachelor begins filming. Becca and Lauren meet the man who is going to ruin their lives.
November 2017: Filming wraps up. Becca is happy and engaged. Lauren is either heartbroken or completely thrilled. It’s hard to tell because she is a soulless void, so I guess she just resumed being soulless but now at her house instead of on television.
December 2017: Arie begins creeping on Lauren by liking her Instagram photos. It’s literally like he took fuckboy lessons. Step 1. Slide into the DMs. Step 2. Ruin her life. What’s even weirder? He wasn’t even following Lauren at the time! This was a haunting the likes of which we have never seen.
So the proposal with Becca took place mid-end of November. They get a few days to themselves in Peru, then they come home, and by then it’s December and Arie is already seeking out our favorite robot. Classy.
But shit really hits the fan on NYE, when Arie, who is STILL FUCKING ENGAGED, officially reaches out to Lauren-a-Tron 2000, saying he wants “to talk”. I’m sure it opened with a “u up?” text at 3am. Unfortunately for Becca and Bachelor Nation, Lauren was, in fact, up.
Does Arie happen to tell Becca he’s over it? Of course not, that would be the right thing to do. However, he did manage to tell a bunch of people that they broke up before it happened
. This is part of what made Caroline so absolutely furious with him—Caroline heard about the breakup through Canadian Bachelor Brad Smith, with whom they share a mutual friend. So Caroline calls Becca, who has no idea what she’s talking about.
Then, mid-January, THAT was when Arie finally called up Chris Harrison and the film crew to brutally and grotesquely dump her in front of America. Because “they need to see it”, says dream date Arie. If you pause your TV at the right moment, you can actually see her heart breaking. Great TV, Arie, nice thinking. The next day
, he flew to meet up with Lauren.
The. Next. Fucking. Day.
And Lauren was like, “Oh good, you’re not engaged as of 12 hours ago. When are you going to propose to me?”
March 2018: Arie proposes to Lauren, as now that all of America knows what kind of ball-less wonder he is, his chances of getting another chick to fuck him are pretty low. “I really the way you don’t say anything and it’s almost like you’re not there,” says Arie in his proposal. (I may have paraphrased.) I’m sure he also really liked that if he did it then, he wouldn’t have to pay for the ring. Considering his success as a race car driver, I kind of get that part.
Becca runs screaming from Arie’s octopus-like arms and into her future as the Bachelorette.
So, their engagement lasted almost two months. Arie was truly faithful for about two weeks. Lauren overlapped—at least emotionally (do nudes count as physical cheating?)—for a couple weeks.
I’m sure all of this will work out perfectly for Arie and Lauren. Can’t wait until they reproduce and create the world’s dullest children. Cheers to the happy couple!