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5 Of The Dumbest Masturbation Tips On The Internet

Hot take: masturbation isn’t rocket science. You don’t even need to orgasm to have an awesome solo sex sesh. But upping your game ain’t easy when the internet is full of stupid recommendations and masturbation myths that literally nobody asked for (me, I’m nobody). Let’s break down five of the worst masturbation tips that leading publications (that I won’t name because I don’t want to be blacklisted in the industry I work in) need to stop suggesting, along with a better alternative for each tip.

1. Clean Your Room First

You’ll have sex in a random f*ckboy’s car with McDonald’s cups and greasy napkins in the cupholders after you met him at the bar, but you need a clean room to masturbate? Lmao. “They” say doing this will help to promote a clearer headspace so you can just focus on your masturbation, but if your messy room is distracting you that badly, then it sounds like you need to reevaluate your cleanliness habits. Clean rooms are nice and all (probably, I wouldn’t know), but I promise you won’t feel too bad touching yourself next to the laundry you really should have put away a week ago. 

Try instead: Take a hot shower, light some candles, read some erotica, and/or put on sexy songs to get yourself in the mood.

2. Watch Yourself 

I don’t know about you, but I definitely don’t want to look at myself making ugly O faces when I masturbate, because then every time I hook up with someone I’m going to worry about whether or not I’m making the same ugly O face. I’ve had sex in front of mirrors before. It is not hot. TBH, it’s distracting and depressing. I mean, if your kink is getting off by watching yourself get off, then, by all means, do your thing. But you’re not gonna catch me rubbing one out in my mirror in an effort to get more turned on. I’ll be under the covers in the dark abyss of my bed where no one can see me. 

Try instead: Close your eyes and focus on the pleasure you’re experiencing. Pay attention to what feels good, and let yourself make whatever faces and movements you’re going to make in the process without worrying about what they look like.

3. Stick A Finger In Your Ass At The Same Time

Some folks are into anal play, and that’s cool. If you only want anal stimulation when you masturbate, then go right ahead. But trying to finger your ass while your other hand stimulates your clit or penetrates your vagina at the same time probably won’t work too well. Sounds a lot like patting your head and rubbing your stomach, no? IDK, seems a little difficult. I’m not that talented or skilled at multitasking.

Try instead: Use a butt plug so you can score that added anal stimulation which, yes, can maximize your pleasure while focusing your energy on touching your clit, vagina, breasts, or other hot spots. 

4. Don’t Jackhammer Your Clit

Um, DUH? When was the last time you were having sex and thought to yourself, “wow, I really like how this penis/dildo/hand is absolutely smashing against my very sensitive clit!” Probably never. We hate when our partners do this to us, so why the hell would we do it to ourselves? This is basic common sense. 

Try instead: Do more of what you wish your partner was doing to your clit when you’re hooking up and less of what you wish they weren’t—whatever that means to you. Play around with different techniques, motions, pressures, speeds, and toys until you figure out what feels best.

5. Stand Or Squat

No and no. I don’t even do squats at the gym, so what makes you think I want to squat when I masturbate? I also don’t want to stand any more than I already have to throughout the day because #tired. Masturbation requires a little bit of effort and work. Let’s agree not to make this any harder than it already has to be. 

Try instead: Kick back, relax, and enjoy. Grind your hips and thrust your pelvis into your hands, toys, or pillows, or switch up positions by laying on your stomach rather than on your back. 

From one researcher and pleasure-seeker to another, I want all of us to have the best sex lives possible. Before you @ me and say “hey, if you hate these sex tips so much then why don’t you make your own roundup of tips instead of bashing others,” allow me to save you from wasting your precious time and energy! Go read my articles about the best sex toys to use with your partner, low-key ways to introduce kinks into the bedroom, and other orgasm myths we need to debunk with insights from sexperts and professionals. 

The right tips are out there—you just gotta do some digging to find ‘em. Feel free to share your own pro tips in the comments below and save us all from the chaos that is the internet. Whatever you do, please don’t feel like you need to be an overachiever and do flips, tricks, squats, or shove things inside of you in order to have a successful masturbation sesh. 

Images: Kristina Petrick / Unsplash; GIPHY (5)