Barbie was deemed the movie of the summer as soon as the first shots of Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling in their neon roller gear hit the streets this time last year.
The film promises a feminist take on the iconic blonde, so we took the liberty of sending Mattel our pitches for 12 new career Barbies that accurately represent today’s working women. And while Astronaut Barbie and Zoologist Barbie are amazing aspirations, we think it’s time that we ground today’s youth in reality. How many astronauts does the average person actually know??
From Pyramid Scheme Barbie to BuzzFeed Barbie, our collection celebrates the existential dread that comes with writing quirky Instagram captions for Warby Parker all day to earn your supper.
JP Morgan Analyst Barbie
This Barbie makes 3x your paycheck, but is never away from her desk long enough to spend it! She wants to find her Ken by 30, but the only sheets she spends time in belong to Excel. Hobbies include catching up on sleep, 5am Barry’s classes, and relaxing for a total of 30 hours at her Barbie Hamptons House before heading back to the office.
What she’s wearing: Cole Haan loafers, coffee-stained blazer, Rolex Submariner
Included accessories: Spilled coffee mug, two iPhones, The League app
GRWM TikToker Barbie
This Barbie lives rent-free in a West Village one-bedroom that looks like she hit one-click-buy on the entire Anthropologie catalog. She does her nose contour under a beauty filter while telling her army of followers a relatable story about when her luggage got lost on a brand trip in Dubai, Postmates her iced coffee, and thinks keeping the sweaters in her oven makes her look like Carrie Bradshaw.
What she’s wearing: Micro sunglasses, Aritzia crop top, Merit balm blush
Included accessories: Ring Light, $11 Cha Cha Matcha, Closed Captions
ASMR TikToker Barbie
This Barbie made her first ASMR video as a joke in the bedroom of her childhood home while she searched for her first post-college job. But it went viral, and now she spends every evening live streaming herself tapping on glass bottles with her insanely long nails, brushing a wig on a mannequin, and whispering “Chesapeake” into a microphone. Now she just has to figure out how to convince employers that “generated tingles for 3 million consumers” is relevant job experience for their entry-level sales position.
What she’s wearing: Static press-on nails, H&M hoodie, blue light glasses (for tapping purposes only)
Included accessories: Head massager, Blue Yeti mic with pop filter, kinetic sand
This Barbie thought grad school was a good idea and was sorely mistaken. She picks up shifts in between classes at a coffee shop where you’re trained to glare at customers who ask for regular milk. Her Ken won’t stop playing the mandolin.
What she’s wearing: Ochre beanie, cafe apron, Doc Martens
Included accessories: Untouched copy of Finnegan’s Wake, social justice infographic, New Yorker tote
This Barbie thought her life would be like Samantha Jones in Sex and The City, but she spends her whole day putting crinkle paper in PR boxes and her whole night running a launch party for a new flavor of greek yogurt. (The flavor is papaya, and her client thinks it will “break the internet.”)
What she’s wearing: Madewell shirt dress, Sam Edelman slides, black Gucci Marmont Shoulder Bag (she could only afford the mini)
Included accessories: Ban.do day planner with “You’ve Got This” on the front, Stanley water bottle in Rose, White Chocolate Macadamia CLIF Bar
Pyramid Scheme Barbie
This Barbie helps other boss babe Barbies take charge of their destiny and make unlimited income, all while working from their Tuscaloosa Dream House that they share with their lazy high school sweetheart Brian.
What she’s wearing: LuLaRoe leggings (galaxy print), Avon red lipstick, Britney Spears Fantasy Perfume
Included accessories: Rampant credit card debt, Honda Civic, DIY acrylics set
Fashion Assistant Barbie
This Barbie averages 17,000 steps a day from hauling garment bags across town in a pair of her mom’s half-a-size-too-big Manolos. She always manages to get a FOMO-inducing Instagram story during NYFW, but what’s not pictured is her crawling around on all fours picking up bobby pins off the dressing room floor and crying on FaceTime with her boyfriend after Christian Siriano screamed that she’d “never work in this town again.”
What she’s wearing: Low-rise men’s GAP jeans (from DePop), a black elastic headband that she repurposed as a tube top, Frankie Shop oversized blazer
Included accessories: Balenciaga City bag, mini Native deodorant, mushroom coffee
Peloton Instructor Barbie
This Barbie was voted “loudest” in her high school yearbook and now teaches spin class to a gaggle of Tribeca Mommy Barbies complaining they need the fans turned up or the music turned down. Hobbies include counting her macros, finding an empty studio for a quickie with her coworker Jayden, and imitating the accents from Love Island.
What she’s wearing: Matching Lululemons, pop star headset, the Gucci Oura Ring
Included accessories: Joe & The Juice loyalty card, Dyson AirWrap, Le Labo Candle (Palo Santo 14)
This Barbie used to get her kicks writing quizzes like, “Which One of Gerard Butler’s Massive Bulges Are You?” but got fired three months ago when leadership found out she was trying to organize a union. Now, she’s seriously considering replying to a DM from Pyramid Scheme Barbie.
What she’s wearing: Northwestern Crew Neck, skinny jeans, Apple Watch (from the company holiday party)
Included accessories: “Let’s Taco ‘Bout It” Phone Case, Lexapro, Trader Joe’s Frozen Chicken Tikka Masala
Former Bachelor Contestant Barbie
This Barbie thought it would be a brilliant post-show move to start a Bachelor recap podcast with her castmate Lauren C., until she realized it’s actually kind of a lot of work, and sponsors aren’t chomping at the bit to work with the 5th and 9th place runner-ups. Now, she’s harassing the show’s producers every other day to get an invite to Paradise while training for the NY Marathon as a back-up, since that’s a surefire way to get some Instagram likes.
What she’s wearing: LoveShackFancy midi dress, green Bottega Jodie bag, Golden Goose sneakers
Included accessories: LikeToKnowIt integration, Raya, pint of Halo Top
This Barbie is committed to helping make Barbie World a better place, but can’t seem to help herself escape a toxically positive work environment where she hasn’t gotten a raise in four years and has to split her Sweetgreen between lunch and dinner to afford her rent. Plus, she always gets roped into recurring donations from Barbie Canvassers, because she’s too nice to just keep walking.
What she’s wearing: AOC t-shirt, cloth headband, Tevas
Included accessories: Overnight oats, carabiner, Burt’s Bees lip balm
NYC Intern Barbie
This Barbie is paying $6,000 to live with two other Barbies in a forced triple NYU dorm room with no air conditioning so she can intern at a Soho art gallery to “make connections.” She will 100% mess up your Chopt order, and is def dipping out early to hit the happy hour at Phebe’s. Oh, and she’ll be “out sick” on Monday — she’s coming down from a k-hole after her “transcendental” Saturday at Mr. Purple.
What she’s wearing: MANGO floral print pants, a cocky amount of midriff, Catbird Forever Bracelet
Included accessories: a tobacco-flavored Juul, dragonfruit vitamin water, reusable glass straw