Mattel’s New Self-Care Barbies Are A Whole-Ass Mess

Has the millennial #selfcare trend gone too far? My bank account says yes, and so does Mattel’s announcement that they are now releasing a line of self-care Barbies. If only we’d had these dolls in the 90s, so my Barbies could go on the South Beach Diet with my mom. Mattel actually partnered with Headspace to create this line, which consists of various nearly identical spa-day playsets focusing on meditation, physical fitness, and self-care by encouraging “daily routines.” Because that’s what kids love: routines. I, for one, can’t wait for them to follow this lineup with a line of Barbies that have gone into credit card debt from getting stoned and convincing themselves they need new bath bombs one too many times. Or perhaps one who lost all her friends and family because she stayed home for too many “self-care” days and they assume she died. The possibilities are endless. As Betches’ resident doll roaster, it is my sacred duty to now roast these dolls. Luckily, they’re so zen they can take it.

Breathe With Me Barbie

Breathe With me Barbie

The Breathe With Me Barbie is able to lead kids through five meditations, which I’ll admit is an improvement from the days when Barbie said sh*t like “Math is hard!” and gave people eating disorders. Look, I’m not saying it’s bad for kids to meditate. It is objectively good for kids to meditate, but what kid wants to meditate while they’re in the middle of a f*cking playdate? This doll is a one-way ticket to not having your kid invited over again. I can picture it now:

Mom: How was your playdate, hon?
Child: Uhh…okay but in the middle of it Kimmy pulled out a Barbie wearing yoga pants and made us sit in silence for 15 minutes while it led us through a body scan.

**Mom blocks Kimmy’s mom’s number and pretends not to see her at Kiss-And-Ride for the rest of the year**

Barbie Spa Doll

spa barbie self-care barbies

Tbh, I genuinely envy the Barbie Spa Doll’s lifestyle. She is described as someone who “soaks away the day with spa and bath products.” In other words, Spa Barbie is me on unemployment. She comes with a brush, a candle, a neck pillow, an eye mask and set of bath bombs. This doll is living the dream. She also comes with a rubber ducky, which I’m pretty positive would get her ass laughed out of the spa. The best part is that Mattel describes her outfit as “a comfy chic look”. Need I remind you, this “look” is just a towel and flip-flops. So, thanks to Mattel’s self-care Barbies, the next time I’m late to a function because I was sitting on my bed in my towel, staring at the wall for 45 minutes, I will simply claim I was just changing out of my “comfy chic look” into something more elegant.

The Barbie Spa Doll also has her own dog, which she has apparently brought to the spa with her. He even has his own floatation device, which suggests that she is bringing him into the water. This is unacceptable spa etiquette and should not be taught to children. If I was at Spa Castle and someone got in the hot tub with a dog, I would demand a refund. And don’t even try to tell me this is an emotional support animal. You’re at a spa. That’s all the emotional support you need.

Barbie Fizzy Bath Doll

Barbie

The Barbie Fizzy Bath Doll is basically the Barbie spa doll, but she comes with her own bathtub, suggesting that she is at home. And to really drive home that Barbie is just your average millennial, they even gave her a little succulent next to her bathtub! How cute. In related news, succulents are officially played out now.

Of all the dolls, the Barbie Fizzy Bath Doll is the one I can most get behind. I mean, she’s essentially just a Barbie with a really nice bathtub. Sounds normal. I’m honestly surprised it didn’t already exist. Not really breaking any new ground with this one. The only thing that bothers me a bit is the description: “​Kids can practice self-care as they help Barbie® doll recharge with this spa-themed playset that lets them play out a classic moment—a glittery, fizzy bath!” While yes, taking a bath is a classic self-care practice, do kids really need to be learning about own how utterly relaxing it is to slip into a warm fizzy bath after a long week of pretending to like the idiots you work with? Isn’t life going to beat them down enough without Mattel training them for it?

Also, as a sidenote, Mattel classifies this Barbie as “brunette”… which… like…. ok. Moving on.

Barbie Face Mask Spa Day

face mask barbie

Only slightly different (and I do mean ever so slightly) than Barbie Fizzy Bath Doll is Barbie Face Mask Spa Day, who comes complete with her own tubs of dough to construct face masks out of. I have spent every Sunday night since 2016 applying at least one face mask in the hopes that it would undo the emotional damage from my blackout the night before, and never once have I molded the mask onto my own face like clay. So Barbie is already better at self-care than me. It’s cool, I’m fine.

But if you read the description for this Barbie, it’s actually pretty f*cked up. First, the Barbie comes with a marker, and kids are instructed to “use the included marker to create blemishes on the doll’s face.” Oh no, I do not like the way this is going. After molding the face mask onto Barbie’s face, which we already discussed is unrealistic, here’s what happens next, per Mattel’s own instructions: “remove the mask, wipe the doll’s face with the towel and the blemishes have disappeared—what a healthy glow!”

Okay, f*ck you Mattel. Everybody knows that doing a face mask isn’t going to magically make your blemishes disappear—you just do the face masks because they were on sale at Sephora and the gold ones look cute on your Instagram story. But that’s not the biggest issue. Teaching kids that blemishes are anything other than a normal part of life and need to be excised from one’s face is one thing. But teaching them that they can be eliminated with one face mask and the swipe of a towel? Now that is criminal. Yet another set of unrealistic beauty expectations thanks to Barbie!

Barbie® Relaxation Doll

Barbie® Relaxation Doll

Okay, we really did not need a doll for this. This bitch is just going to sleep. Next.

The Fitness Doll

This Barbie is the most sinister of all. She comes with her own yoga mat, weights, and a hula hoop. Her dog also comes with its own set of weights, because society doesn’t place enough pressure on dogs as it is to be fit. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall in this pitch meeting: “What if we… now hear me out… give the dog its own set of weights so it can do bicep curls along with Barbie?” “Glen, you son of a bitch, you’ve done it again! That’s genius!” Meanwhile, the one woman in the meeting is like, “…but dogs don’t have thumbs…?” and she gets told to stop being negative. Also, when was the last time you went to a workout class that involved a hula hoop? Ah yes, I remember it well: it was the 35th of Neveruary.

Hula hoop ridiculousness aside, this doll is the person who shows up first to every yoga class, sits directly in front of the teacher, and does headstands while everyone else is supposed to be in child pose. This doll oms really loud at the end of class in a really performative way that you can tell goes against the whole point of om-ing in the first place. This doll #livelaughloves and wears $500 fitness outfits. Stay away from this doll.

Images: Mattel

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This Barbie Influencer IG Makes Me Hate The World We Live In

Today, I bring you the Instagram account you never knew you needed to hate (you still following me?). Barbie Style is run by Mattel and posts as if Barbie was Eva Chen. The account has been around since 2014, but as of Monday, it hit a milestone two million followers. Let that sink in. There are two million people following the journey of a plastic figurine. Just to make matters worse, REAL HUMANS literally comment sh*t like “obsessed with you” and “omg that jacket is stuunnniiinnnnggg” on her photos. DO YOU THINK SHE READS THEM?

To sum it up really quick: Barbie Style reflects the worst that society has to offer. If this is her attempt at acting like a (slightly above) average millennial woman, I feel like the majority of us are pond scum. So, without further ado, let’s mock the sh*t out of a plastic doll which in turn, satirically mirrors the dumpster fire that has become our society. Now that’s f*cking meta. *hits blunt*

 

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*Barbie: Has joined the conference.* ? #barbie #barbiestyle

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Lolololol Barbie, you took a page out of Khloé Kardashian’s book of bad photoshopping. There’s a literal team at Mattel that  works, day in and day out, on creating and posting content for this account, yet not one of them noticed that your lips are literally two different colors? But maybe this is Barbie just trying to be relatable, you know? Everyone has a pic on their Instagram that’s so obviously FaceTuned that you’re not sure what happened to their nose. Also, I’m sorry Barbie girl, you’re made out of LITERAL PLASTIC. What more is there you need to smooth?

 

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I’m bursting with excitement! Thank you for all your birthday wishes, and to @flourshop for this sweet surprise. ? #Barbie60 #NYC #barbie #barbiestyle⁣⁣

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Are you even surprised at this point that Barbie has an Insta with her birthday cake? And no, not just any cake—a Flour Shop cake. One that of course, when you cut into it, explodes with candy you obviously won’t eat—a fact that is only compounded if you are an actual inanimate object who doesn’t even have a functioning jaw and the aforementioned candy is actually beads. Can someone tell me if there’s a white girl on this planet who doesn’t have a full-fledged three-phone photoshoot with their overpriced cake? I mean, I had one so guess what, there’s probably not. I mean I’ll give her one thing, though, Barbie looks pretty f*cking good for 60. What fillers does she use?

 

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When you miss the taxi, but you got the shot. ? #NYC #barbie #barbiestyle⁣

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Holy basic. The lob. The fake cab hail. The statement jacket. The Flatiron building. The bad meme-mimicking caption. It doesn’t get more tragically influencer than this. Oh, and her outfit is from Arielle Charnas’s SomethingNavy collection. There’s not much more to say, mostly because this picture has muted me with rage.    

 

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Remembering the ultimate icon who gave us a lifetime of inspiration. A prolific creator, he captured this moment himself. ❤️ #barbie #barbiestyle

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Okay Barbie, so you are officially the worst type of person. Way to literally f*cking insert yourself in someone else’s tragedy. There is nothing quite like the celebrity death post trend. Like OMG Rebecca tell me again about how much of an impact Kate Spade made on your life. And we get it, you knew Luke Perry before his days on Riverdale. But do you really need to make a four post slideshow about how heartbroken you are when all you really want to show is that you’re cultured enough to know who this person even is?

 

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I know everyone is listening to books these days, but I still love a hardcover. ? #barbie #barbiestyle

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OMG this is actually so obnoxious, even for a doll. (Actually, I think it would only be worse if this caption were used on a real human’s Instagram.) Do you also like to comb your hair with tree branches because hair brushes are too mainstream? Do you have an IV of Kombucha running into your bloodstream? If you’re trying to be casual, how come your makeup is fully done? Why is there a professional photographer in your bedroom? Riddle me that, Barbie. Also, what kind of cruel being are you that you leave a perfectly good donut out in front of your dog? That’s just evil.

 

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I have to say, I’m pretty into this #GalentinesDay thing! The perfect excuse to hang with friends at home.❣️#barbie #barbiestyle

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This is the most tragic “Galentine’s Day”. Who the f*ck celebrates single life and the power of female friendships with SALAD? Try five bottles of champagne between four girls and a sickening amount of Chinese food. Also, Barbie, don’t play the single role, we all know you have a literal man-toy made for your enjoyment. Not all of us are so fortunate. Count your blessings, idiot.  

 

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Today, do something you’ve never done before, like ride a bike in New York City! ?? #NYC #barbie #barbiestyle⁣

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Ugh, Barbie is just your everyday girl being environmentally friendly, chill, and sporty, riding a bike through NYC! #Goals! For starters, I would like to point out that this is in fact, not how you sit on a bike, so clearly, she’s doing it for the ‘gram. You’re not fooling us, honey. As well, what New Yorker bikes around looking like THAT. New York bikers are either layered up to their eyeballs in the winter or half-naked come spring. And they’re for sure swearing at you. Also, seriously Barbie, no helmet? What a terrible example you are for young girls everywhere?? *sips wine out of Swell bottle*

 

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After a busy week I like to take a moment to reflect! ? #barbie #barbiestyle

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Is it just me, or does this picture look like that Prince George stirring the pot meme? I feel like there’s some sort of underlying social commentary there, but besides that, the caption needs to stop. What in the f*ck are you reflecting on? I know on a Sunday the only thing I’m reflecting on is the damage I’ve done to my liver and whether or not my ex will file a restraining order after his 46 missed calls from me.

 

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Nothing like getting a head start on my goals for #NewYearsDay. What’s motivating you this year? ?? #barbie #barbiestyle

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And to top it all off, Barbie is the girl who goes to the gym January first and has to post about it to prove to her high school friends that she’s legit skinny now and they can’t call her Round Ronda or Lardy Lisa anymore. 

PS: Mattel, if you want some relatable Barbie content that’ll actually “speak” to millennials, this is the type of Barbie sh*t we’re looking for:

 

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Images: barbiestyle (9); bedlambarbie / Instagram

Mattel Made Feminist Barbies & Some Of Them Are A Mess

Today is International Women’s Day and just like every year, our corporate overlords will spend the entire day giving women lots of random things that aren’t equal pay. Fab. This year, Mattel (who you might remember from their starring role in “Teaching Young Girls To Feel Bad About Their Bodies” and their line of fuckboy Ken dolls) is showing us all that they’re woke now by releasing their own line of historical feminist Barbies. They’re calling it the “Shero” line, which sounds like a competition on RuPaul’s Drag Race, but whatever. On the one hand, as a history buff and low-key Barbie lover, I’m stoked. On the other hand, as a bitch and Betches’ preeminent doll roaster, I have to throw shade. To be clear: we’re not saying that any of the choices of ‘Shero’ Barbie are bad. These are all inspiring women who deserve to be immortalized in Barbie form. We’re just saying Mattel did them dirty by coming out with a wack ass doll with no pizzaz that nobody would be caught dead bringing to a playdate. Let’s take a look, shall we?

Note: Before we get started I should remind you that the gold standard for feminist-icons-turned-Barbies is Ava Duverney’s ‘Shero’ Barbie. It was released in 2015 and is literally perfect:

@AVAETC My hope for all the girls that get your Barbie???? pic.twitter.com/dhPmJUEWUq

— Lizy (@lizcriolla) December 6, 2015

The hair. The all-black ensemble. The director’s chair accessory. Perfection. Keep her in mind as we go through these:

11. Leyla Piedayesh – Designer & Entrepreneur

…..What in fuck all is this lady wearing? She looks like the beast when Mrs. Potts curls his hair. She looks like an off-duty pimp. She’s wearing the same outfit as The Mask. 90% sure Kenan wore this in the opening credits for All That. I’m shook. You’re shook. We’re all shook.

Zum #Weltfrauentag eine deutsche Modeschöpferin als Barbie: Mattel würdigt @_LalaBerlin-Gründerin Leyla Piedayesh als “Shero” https://t.co/xF3SMnkwgO #MoreRoleModels pic.twitter.com/LIpcLTnXui

— Lars Wienand (@LarsWienand) March 7, 2018

Is this what Mattel thinks curly hair looks like? Google Leyla Piedayesh. She’s just like, a regular looking lady with kind of curly hair and a flair for design. Nowhere on the internet could I find an image of her wearing the leftover suit from a 90s-era Diddy video.

10. Patty Jenkins – Director

Does this Barbie shop at Talbots? How much of this outfit is from Barbie Chicos? What is happening with the giant Dracula collar? I’m not saying Patty Jenkins doesn’t deserve a Barbie, but I am saying that this Barbie is boring as fuck.

Can’t express how totally mind blowing and delightful it is to have your childhood favorite resemble you!! Thank you @Barbie, for this incredible honor, and for celebrating all kinds of women, everywhere. What a great way to inspire the girls of tomorrow! pic.twitter.com/X5FteJQltn

— Patty Jenkins (@PattyJenks) March 6, 2018

Apart from the camera, this Barbie could literally be anyone. She is wearing the basic bitch uniform of leggings & riding boots. This Barbie is as much Patty Jenkins as it is any girl from your high school who bought a nice camera once. Patty Jenkins directed Wonder Woman—could we not get like, a cool lasso accessory or a headband or some shit? A shield? A metal bra? Anything?

9. Vicky Martín Berrocal – Fashion Designer

What’s happening with the hair here? We’ve got a top knot, and then also a low pony? Who is doing this? Is Vicky Martin Berrocal doing this? I can find no evidence of this style anywhere on the internet.

Vicky Martín Berrocal, la única Barbie trabajadora española para Mattel en el 8-Mhttps://t.co/aQs6I3XzQU pic.twitter.com/nRtkUy5KFj

— Jaleos El Español (@Jaleos_EE) March 7, 2018

8. Hélène Darroze – Chef

This Barbie should have approximately 10,000 times the amount of accessories that it does. She should have a frying pan. She should have a tiny salt and pepper shaker you’re def going to lose. She should have a rat that sits on her shoulder and is the one who’s *actually* cooking the food.

Secondly—and I’m dead serious when I say this—any doll that is a chef and does not come with a chef’s hat is a travesty. IDGAF if she wears one in real life. This is Barbie making 101, people! Shameful.

7. Yuan Yuan Tan – Ballerina

Okay so this Barbie isn’t actually bad. She’s a ballerina. She has a cool outfit, etc…etc…but I have one problem with it that I just cannot get over and can’t believe the designers at Mattel didn’t see:

Yuan Yuan Tan is the Newest Ballet Barbie https://t.co/55UPJAso6S pic.twitter.com/CIYyuxdnA1

— Shannon Fable (@ShannonFable) March 7, 2018

This doll looks exactly like Ashley Iaconetti.

Like…is this world-renowned ballet dancer Yuan Yuan Tan? Or is it world renowned Bachelor virgin Ashley I? I don’t know. And it makes me very uncomfortable.

6. Bindi Irwin – Conservationist

This doll is cute and all, but like, way to play into stereotypes. This doll promotes the dangerous notion that all Australians wear khaki and hang out with koalas all day.

SeaWorld’s Official Ambassador Bindi Irwin has a doll made after her likeness. https://t.co/C0tlP8baoW#OpSeaWorld #Mattel #Barbie #internationalwomensday2018 #BindiIrwin #australiazoo #CruelandGreedyBrat pic.twitter.com/xJxdDzkK0w

— SeaWorld Shut Down (@seaworldisevil) March 7, 2018

Very damaging stuff.

5. Frida Kahlo – Painter

TBH I’m just surprised Frida wasn’t already a Barbie? Or at least Salma-Hayek-As-Frieda the Barbie. This Barbie’s lewk is great. I love the red flowers in her hair, the hoop earrings, and the necklace that appears to be a rope.

Barbie celebra el Día de la Mujer con Frida Khalo y más role models https://t.co/52vhZJyyjn pic.twitter.com/kYz50dWH1t

— Sofía Rodríguez (@SofiaRdA) March 7, 2018

But I can’t get over the fact that she doesn’t have a unibrow. That’s Frida’s WHOLE. THING. You can’t just give your Frida doll Cara Delevingne brows and call it a day. If Frida included the unibrow in her own self portraits, you can include it in your Barbie. End of story.

4. Amelia Earhart- Pilot

Again, surprised by the fact that this wasn’t already a Barbie, but okay. I guess my only issue with this Barbie is that it’s almost TOO obvious a choice. Why not throw in a Countess Luann or something to keep us guessing?

#3: Barbie Inspiring Women Series Amelia Earhart Fashion Dolls https://t.co/jD8RSMhrtb

— Maruko Dang (@marukodang) March 7, 2018

Also how do we feel about the cut of these pants? I feel not great.

3. Katherine Johnson – NASA Scientist

Katherine Johnson is literally the perfect candidate for a Barbie, especially one of the feminist Barbies. Historical—check. Trailblazer in her field—check. Black history icon—check. Played by Taraji P. Henson in Hidden Figures — check.

New Barbie dolls honor NASA’s Katherine Johnson pic.twitter.com/J4redgd0TA

— MoorInfo (@MoorInformation) March 7, 2018

Okay so that last one isn’t a criteria for all Barbies (then there would only be one Barbie), but I love this doll. She has flexible arms for all the math she’s gonna do, a cute 50s outfit, and cat eye glasses. She’s like the original Barbie, if the original Barbie was a NASA engineer and not just some random blonde in a bikini.

2. Chloe Kim – Olympic Snowboarder

Now THIS is Barbie, people! First of all, bold choice to pair an all-camo jumpsuit with a bright yellow snow jacket, and it is working. The hat will protect her hair from getting all fucked up the moment you touch her (Barbie’s fatal flaw), and the snowboard is the perfect accessory. You def might lose it right away, but her outfit is cool enough that it won’t matter too much when you do.

1. Nicola Adams – Boxer

Y.E.S. Wow. Okay. I now see that all those other feminist Barbies were just practice for this Barbie, the perfect Barbie. Every inch of her is perfection. The little gloves! The jacket! The gold detailing!

Proud to partner with @Barbie this #InternationalWomensDay to show girls – YOU CAN BE ANYTHING!#Ad pic.twitter.com/nMdT7jMK8L

— Nicola Adams (@NicolaAdamsOBE) March 6, 2018

This absolutely has to be the coolest Barbie ever produced, and it is definitely the first one rocking a mohawk and lines shaved down the side of her head. Also, based on this photo, her arms are bendable so you can put her in knockout mode and have her kick the shit out of all your cousin’s Barbies next time she comes over.

Mattel Just Released A New Line Of Ken Dolls And They’re All Fuckboys

Mattel, aka the company that introduced us to Barbie and unrealistic beauty standards for women, just released a new line of Ken dolls featuring 15 “new looks” for Ken and every single one of them looks like they’re personal friends with Nick Viall. Last year, in an effort to make Barbie more diverse, Mattel did a similar remake for Barbie, debuting a variety of new skin tones and body shapes. Now, the company is looking to do the same for Ken, except this time it appears their theme was less about “diversity” and more about “dudes who would snap you a dick pic after one meeting.” Somebody at Mattel clearly took those RompHim ads to heart. I wouldn’t be surprised if each one of these new dolls came with a voice box that said stuff like, “I’m sure I have a condom somewhere,” and “She’s like a sister to me!” No word yet one what accessories these new Ken dolls come with, but I’m fairly sure they each have a fidget spinner, android phone, and a pocket full of dirty-ass change that will get all over the place when they pass out fully clothed on Barbie’s bed.

And new Ken dolls part 2 #matteldolls #kendoll #newkendoll

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Much like the fuckboys we meet IRL, Mattel’s new Fuckboy Ken collection represents the full range of shitty dudes we’ve all had the pleasure of meeting in our twenties. Each of these new Kens is their own special fuckboy snowflake, so here is our breakdown of each of these new Kens and how his relationship with Barbie will probably play out.

Festival Fuckboy Ken

Malibu Barbie met this Ken at Coachella when the two of them briefly touched hands while buying molly from the same guy. After blacking out and losing their friends, the two of them spent a whirlwind afternoon hopping from tent to tent, making out in public, and posting approximately 200,000 Instagrams together with captions like #soulmates and #festivallove. By the end of the night one, they decided they were in love, but are separated when Barbie’s drunk AF friends finally find her and Skipper pukes on his shoes. Barb will spend the next week pretending to not think about him when she’s really thinking about him non-stop, only to run into him on the second weekend rolling face with a Bratz doll. The Bratz doll will introduce herself as Ken’s girlfriend, and Ken will call Barbie “Britney” by mistake. Barbie will then spend the next 20 minutes deleting all the evidence of their affair and will miss Chance The Rapper’s set because she was so pissed.

College Fuckboy Ken

 

Barbie dated Ken for the majority of college. And by “dated” I mean “would hook up with him every weekend and get in public fights at the campus Starbucks during the week.” Despite the fact that he and Barbie have attended every frat and sorority event together and she’s spent the past three 4th of Julys at the beach with his family, Ken refuses to let Barbie say that she is his girlfriend and regularly attempts to slide into her friend’s DMs. Barbie will finally become his girlfriend after Ken sees her at the club breathing next to another guy and loses his shit. The two of them are married now and their entire friend group is really concerned for their future children.

Friend Zoned Fuckboy Ken

Barbie has been friends with this Ken for years and while of course she knows he’s totally in love with her, she just tries to ignore that and keep things friendly. One night after a particularly bad fight with College Fuckboy Ken, Barbie will have one too many glasses of Champagne and make out with Friend Zone Ken after he tells her should be treated “like a princess” or some shit. Barbie will immediately regret this and invite Ken to coffee to talk it out, at which point he’ll totally fucking lose it and start crying in a Grumpy’s. Barbie will spend the rest of college avoiding eye contact with him and Ken will get super involved in a Men’s Rights Activism page on Reddit.

Maybe Gay Fuckboy Ken

Things were going great between Barbie and this Ken until her gay BFF, Earring Magic Ken, took her aside to say that he saw her new Ken’s torso on Grindr. The two of them then set out on an elaborate scheme to catch Ken in his lies, but ultimately chicken out before actually inviting him over and just kind of agree to share him. Barbie continued dating him for another six months and it’s low-key the healthiest relationship she’s ever had.

Religious Fuckboy Ken

Barbie met this fuckboy when she accidentally showed up early to a house party. The two of them made small talk on a roof which turned into a deep chat that had her so distracted thinking about their future wedding that she didn’t realize he was drinking water, and not straight vodka like her. After two full hours of chatting about the meaning of life, Barbie hit him with a “Do you want to come back to my place?” to which he’ll reply, “Actually I don’t do that but I’d love to invite you to come to church with me on Sunday.” Then Barbie will jump off the roof and die.

Foreign Fuckboy Ken

Barbie met this Ken while spring breaking in Ibiza. At first he set off her gaydar, but then she realized he was just European. While he has literally no personality and barely speaks English, he’s hot and has a cool accent and knows club promoters so she just kind of rolled with it. His name is Stefano…or Sergio? Or maybe it’s just Steve. Barbie can’t remember. Either way, the two will part ways on good terms, making tentative plans that they know will never happen to visit each other in the future. He still likes some of her Insta posts, but only the really thot-y ones.

Rich Fuckboy Ken

This guy is literally the worst, but Barbie entertains his presence because he’s rich AF and pays for everything. Though she knows in her heart that she’s only being invited to “chill” on his yacht because 10 other Barbies said no, she agrees to go mainly for the Instas. She’ll entertain the idea of marrying him but then they’ll talk for five minutes and she’ll be like “fuck that” and hook up with one of his friends instead. This happens once a year and Barbie kind of loves it.

Secret Fuckboy Ken

Barbie only agreed to go out with this Ken after a particularly enlightening drunk brunch where she promised her entire friend group she was done with fuckboys and would only date nice guys from now on. Sadly, he turned out to be the greatest fuckboy of all. Between never texting back and sending her Facebook invites for his improv shows, this Ken will somehow manage to take up a year and half of Barbie’s precious time. He’ll end up dumping Barbie for a high school senior who thinks he’s “sooooooo interesting” and Barbie will be forced to side-eye all of his Facebook statuses about being a male feminist for the rest of her days on this Earth.

Dean

This Ken doll is just Dean. Barbie fell in love with him on The Bachelorette, just like all the rest of us, and is eagerly awaiting the end of the season so she can find out if he’s single and start desperately tweeting selfies at him until he blocks her.

The Wanna-Be Fuckboy Ken

Barbie met this fuckboy when she was looking for something casual and he gave every indication that he was going to deliver. Before they even hooked up he told her he wanted “something casual” and she agreed because that was legit what she wanted. To her horror, Barbie woke up the day after their “casual” hookup to find him standing over her bed with a three course breakfast and a look that said, “I want to wear your skin, my beautiful, beautiful bride.” Barbie will spend the next three years ghosting this guy, always thinking that she’s done with him until one morning out of the blue she gets a random text that says “wat went wrong?” and she’ll know he’s back again. They’ll meet again 10 years in the future when he shows up out of nowhere to object at her wedding.

Shared Fuckboy Ken

Barbie and all of her friends have at least had some kind of romantic encounter with this Ken. It’s kind of a joke, actually. Every pregame Barbie’s friend group will gather together and see who got a DM from him this weekend. Barbie and co. usually go along with it because he’s actually pretty fun to hang out with and it’s not that serious. Eventually Midge will catch feelings and ruin the whole thing for everyone. Fucking Midge.

Sexy Barista Fuckboy Ken

This Ken just started working at Barbie’s fave coffee shop and she is living for it. Barbie has told all of her friends about him and has memorized his work schedule so that she can stop by and stare at him. After months of reading wayyyy too much into his latte art, Barbie will spot him at a club but will be too fucked up at that point to talk to him. The next day she’ll show up for his usual shift at the coffee shop only to find out that he moved to Portland. She’ll spend the rest of her life being 99% sure that he was The One.

King Fuckboy Ken

After you defeat all the fuckboys, you must face the final King Fuckboy Ken. Barbie literally can’t even remember how she met this fuckboy. It was like one day she woke up and suddenly there he was, in her bed, dropping hints that she should go on the pill. Barbie allows this behavior to continue because he smells good and is p. decent in bed, but she never gets attached. One day he’ll just straight-up disappear and she’ll be totally fine with that. She’ll think of him fondly every time she goes to her annual gynecologist appointment and miraculously is declared clean of all STDs.