ABC, look what you made me do. Do you think I want to blast you on this international website? Of course not! But I don’t have a Twitter account with which to take out my anger on you, and 280 characters isn’t enough for me anyway. So here we are. And it’s time to address the age old question that has been giving me rage blackouts for a while: why do you want us to stop watching The Bachelor?
Let’s face it, The Bachelor is no longer fun TV. Everytime I watch it, it dawns on me that I’m actually in the Bad Place. But I was hopeful for this season of The Bachelor. There were so many not abominable good choices! There’s Blake, who is so sensitive he needs his mommy to comfort his cries at night. Jason, a normal guy in need of a haircut, who wouldn’t care if you forgot his name. There’s Joe, who’s too pure for this world, and Wills who, if nothing else, would keep us entertained with his fashion.
But instead you had to go and pick Colton who I CANNOT stand. And for whose lies I WILL NOT STAND. Colton has been campaigning to be the Bachelor all year. He contacted Tia when he thought she was going to be the Bachelorette. When she wasn’t, he dumped her and went on The Bachelorette. When he came in fourth, he went on Bachelor in Paradise. Like, he’s SO thirsty it makes me think he bet his friends a lot of money he’d lose his virginity this year. And apparently he and Tia broke up on Paradise last night? I wouldn’t know because I wasn’t going to sacrifice my last precious few moments of summer to watch a narrative that ABC has been shoving down my throat for five months. Colton basically DM’d himself into being The Bachelor. ABC, WE DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH MEDIOCRE FOOTBALL PLAYERS TERRORISTS!
I’d also like to point out that everyone is acting like Colton is such a sweetheart because he’s a virgin. Newsflash: virgins can still be conniving assholes!
And this isn’t the first time you have dared me to stop watching, ABC. It all started a few seasons ago when it was announced that Nick Viall would be the Bachelor. Nick, a man whose lisp is so chilling that when his voice airs on TV in America it sends a shiver down the spine of someone in China. I literally have PTSD from his voice. But that’s not the the only reason I hate him. Nick slut-shamed Andi on live TV after coming in second on her season and then was hailed as “sensitive” and got many, many more shots on the show. Also, who can forget those f*cking turtlenecks? Nick didn’t deserve a fourth chance on the franchise. At what point can we just call the man a fame whore and move on? We deserve better!
Then you tried to course-correct and give us someone who hadn’t graced national TV since before avocado toast was even a thing. Arie, the human equivalent of a Monday morning, was not only boring af, but it turned out he also treats women like sh*t. As we all know, Arie proposed to Becca, promising to choose her every single day. Which he did, for like three days. And then he dumped her for the most perfect robot ever to be constructed in Virginia Beach, Lauren B.
There’s something all three of these dudes have in common. They all say they want to find love, but the second someone with bigger tits “better” comes along, they just can’t commit. So noble! The Bachelor used to at least PRETEND to be genuine about a man wanting to find love, and now it’s about the f*ckboy you met on Tinder getting his chance at reality TV fame. Let’s call this show what it is, The Bachelor: Give a Douche a Chance. Do better, ABC, or me and my three friends I can convince to show up every goddamn Monday for nine months of the year are OUT.
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