Who's Watching The Oscars This Year? Weekend Horoscopes February 22-24

It’s Academy Awards weekend, so what better time to consult the stars. Get it? See what I did there? Because celebrities are stars, but also in astrology you look at the stars. Do I need to explain myself further? No? I should shut up and get to the horoscopes? Cool cool cool cool cool…


Aries season is coming up, which means you’ve gotta start getting your life together now if you want to live your full Aries glory later. Take this weekend for some much needed self-care, whether it be dropping some serious dollars on a gold leaf unicorn horn face mask from Goop, or if its just firing up your (dad’s) credit card and buying every Oscar movie. You’ll know what’s right.


Stop. Put the to-do list down. You are not going to “use this weekend to get some work done.” Stop lying. It’s rude. This weekend you’re going to *gasp* throw your 2019 goals list in the trash and get messy as f*ck. Seriously. Bad decisions only. You can go back to being a real adult on Monday.


Time to focus the f*ck up, Gemini. There are going to be a thousand shiny objects (most of them bottles of vodka) to distract you this weekend, but now is time to keep your eyes on the prize. And yes, in this scenario the “prize” is being not hungover on Sunday for once. Imagine all you could accomplish! You might even get your laundry done.


You have got to GTFO this weekend, Cancer, so I hope you have a friend/relative with a cabin or an ex who forgot you have a copy of their keys. If leaving town isn’t an option, seek out a change of scenery, any change of scenery to revitalize yourself for the week to come. Your bedroom is great at all, but if you stare at that same weird spot in the ceiling much longer you will go insane.


Valentine’s Day was a over a week ago, but your love life is just starting to heat up now. Whatever. At least you didn’t have to buy anyone a present. This weekend the stars are aligned for a special person to come into your life, or pop up in your feed. Be open to letting a new person in and swipe right on a chance at happiness. (Unless you’re already in a relationship in which case this weekend is a good time to have some very sloppy sex. Congratulations.)


The squad is evolving! This weekend you’re going to be open to adding a new person into your life in the platonic sense. That’s right, instead of “no new friends,” this week’s motto is “okay maybe one more friend (if they’re cool).” Have a surprisingly interesting (and non-sexual) convo with a new person at the bar? Get their number and get a friend date on the books ASAP. It’s just like regular dating, but without all the bullsh*t.


It’s all green juice, jogging, and talking about where you’re at in your step goals this weekend, Libra. For whatever reason, you’ve been bitten by the health bug and you’d be crazy to ignore it. This is how summer bodies are born.


Practice this word: “yes!” This weekend is all about saying yes to whatever crazy scheme comes your way, whether it be making it all the way to the after-after-party or taking that last pickle back. The universe has your back in all things crazy and outrageous this weekend, so why not push the limits? But also, please don’t get arrested.


Chill the f*ck out, Sagittarius. You’re going a mile a minute right now and frankly, it’s annoying as f*ck. Also, it’s bad for you. Take this weekend as an opportunity to slow your roll and spend some time on the couch catching up with all the Oscar movies you low-key forgot to see. Then you can show up at your friend’s Oscars party refreshed as f*ck and ready to give your opinion on every category.


Umm is this an episode of Hoarders? Because you seriously need to leave your house. Like, right now. Pick up whatever you’re doing and get outside. You know humans need sunlight to live, right? You’re on the brink of going stir-crazy being stuck inside all day, so make sure you leave some time this weekend to actually be in nature. Even if “being in nature” just means taking some Insta stories next to a tree for a few minutes.


The past couple of weeks have been fun, Aquarius, but it’s time to settle down again. Drinking every night in January is called “ringing in the new year.” Drinking every night in February is called “sticking to your resolutions.” But drinking every night in March? That’s alcoholism, and it’s a disease. Why not slow your roll now so you don’t find yourself the subject of an intervention on 3/1?


Take a deep breath. The world has been pissing you off lately (rightfully so) and this weekend you’re on the verge of hulking out on everyone. To avoid ending up on Worldstar, vent your frustrations over cocktails with some of your bitchiest besties. You’ll feel better instantly, and as an added bonus, you won’t have to contest any charges in court.

Images: Giphy (6)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.