What His NYC Neighborhood Says About The Type Of Fuckboy He Is

Ah, New York City. The true mecca for those dedicated to the fuckboy lifestyle (aka most men I’ve met in my life). Whether you live here or are just visiting, different parts of the city can offer you completely different fuckboy experiences. Do you want to meet a rich fuckboy who will pay for everything but act like an asshole, or do you want to meet a broke artist fuckboy who will attempt to charm you with his personality? These are the questions a night out in NYC poses. Lucky for you, we’ve compiled a helpful guide to the fuckboys of New York, so that you can be prepared no matter where you’re happy hour-ing.

Midtown – The Finance Fuckboy

Much like the Themyscira is the ancestral homeland of the Amazons (go see Wonder Woman), Manhattan is the island of fuckboys. Nowhere is this more true than in Midtown, where fuckboys roam freely, unburdened by the need to pretend to be a respectable human or to not be talking to his “boy” on a Bluetooth on a crowded train. The finance fuckboy is the fuckboy in his purest form. You can find him (and every single one of his aforementioned “boys”) hanging out in a suit at any way-too-expensive bar that has a TV. Once he spots you across the bar, he’ll start laying down mad cash on drinks in an attempt to compensate for his thoroughly deformed average penis. When you ultimately decide that you’re too tired/self-respecting to go home with him, he’ll pitch a fit at the bar and try to demand you Venmo him for all the drinks. He’ll get so heated that a bouncer will have to escort him out, but you’ll be able to hear him yelling “MY DAD IS A LAWYER” from outside the bar for the remainder of Happy Hour.

Lower East Side – The Fake-Out Fuckboy

This fuckboy looks like bae, he smells like bae, but this fuckboy is not bae. Oh sure, he’ll throw you off guard by hitting you up on Bumble with an actually good pick up line and take you to a cozy little bar that makes you think, “Wow! culture!” And yeah, the fact that his apartment is legit decorated with art that is in frames will make you think he’s looking for something real, but beware. His dates are so good because he’s done this before. A lot. This fuckboy is the type who goes wayyyyy out of his way to pretend he really likes you, but once the deal has been sealed, the “nice guy” Snapchat filter he’s been wearing for your entire date will come off and suddenly there’s this gross horny monster in your face talking about how condoms don’t feel good. Soon enough, you’ll realize that his mom decorated (and pays for) the entire apartment and all the earring backs you keep finding in his bedroom def don’t belong to his sister. But hey, at least he stuck around long enough to take a really good profile pic of you in front of Big Gay Ice Cream Shop. That, at least, is worth something.

West Village – The Maybe Gay Fuckboy

You may or may not have met this fuckboy during Pride, which should have been your first clue that his emotional unavailability wasn’t the only red flag about this guy. Your friends all tell you their immediate first thought upon meeting him was “gay” but you dismiss them because this guy is actually nice to you and doesn’t pressure you for sex and so what if he gets weekly manicures, lots of guys like to take care of their cuticles, KAREN. You’ll go to drinks with this fuckboy for like, a month or two and almost every time you’ll get drunk and make out with him, which will only further fuel your delusions about his sexuality. Eventually, though, when it’s been two months and you’ve slept over at his place a number of times and literally only slept, it will be impossible to deny the truth any longer. You’ll try to “stay friends” until one night he cancels on you and you blow up his phone with a 1,000 word novella about how you’re disappointed in him for not respecting your time, after which point he will ghost you, which will only make you more infuriated because you just wanted to be friends and weren’t even into him like that. Right?

Gay Friend

Harlem – The Fuckboy With Roommates

This fuckboy has a very chill vibe, which is what initially attracted you to him. Unfortunately, he also comes with 5-15 roommates who share a busted-ass railroad apartment on a lot that used to be a trash dump. You know the cool parts of Harlem? The ones they always show in movies or that rich white people take low-key racist bus tours of? Yeah, this fuckboy does not live there. This fuckboy lives in a straight-up house of horrors complete with 25 molding pizza boxes and absolutely 0 privacy. Picture this: the two of you have made it through the minefield that is his living room, and you’re finally ready to begin the hookup but you have to suddenly stop because there’s a knock at the door. WTF? Turns out his roommate needs to walk through fuckboy’s room in order to get to his own room. What? Who did this? Why would anyone design an apartment this way? You’ll finish this hookup because, well, you’re not gonna take an hour long ride on the D train for nothing, and then ghost this guy so hard he’ll develop the ability to walk through walls. Which will actually be helpful, given his living situation.

Astoria – The Far Away Fuckboy

You met this fuckboy out in Manhattan or Brooklyn somewhere and thought, “hmmm…this interaction has been surprisingly normal…” The two of you are dancing and taking shots and things are going great. You suggest moving the party to his place, and that’s when he hits you with the “I live in Astoria.” Record scratch. Oh lawd, say it ain’t so. But you’re going to have transfer trains like…twice to get there!!? How much is an Uber?!? $35!?!? Is he worth it? Is any man worth it? You’ll decide yes because he like, smells nice and bought you a drink and stuff. The relationship will actually kind of take off, and you’ll start to tell yourself the commute is worth it and that Bohemian Beer Garden is actually pretty cool, until one night when you fall asleep on the N train and wake up in Coney Island. Then you’ll be forced to send a long “it’s just not working out” text. Because a face-to-face meet up would take too much time and effort.

Williamsburg/Greenpoint – The Hipster Fuckboy

The Williamsburg/Greenpoint area, or as I like to call it, Hipster Disneyland, is the #1 spot to pick up a fuckboy whose entire personality seems to be geared around having a Girls episode based on him (shh, don’t tell him it’s over). When you first meet him, he’ll present himself as a successful artist type who “totally forgot” he was wearing his “This Is What A Feminist Looks Like” T-shirt today. He’ll talk a big game about how “Bernie would’ve won” and try to make you go to a Democratic Socialist’s meeting, and you’ll assume he has like $0 and busks on the subway or something. That’s why his shoes are all fucked up and falling apart, right? Wrong. Once you do get back to his Williamsburg one bedroom on the water, you’ll realize that he actually works for that evil ad agency from Mad Men and is low-key the wealthiest person in your contacts. You’ll delete his number in a fit of rage after thinking back on all the times he made you split the bill.

Bushwick – The Dirty Hipster Fuckboy

This fuckboy is exactly like the Williamsburg/Greenpoint fuckboy, but is actually poor and smells terrible. He will make you come see his shitty band, or worse yet, his long-form improv team, and after a mere two dates you will realize that he only owns one shirt. After a horrible evening spent dry humping on his floor mattress, you will be forced to rethink every life decision you’ve made up until this point. On the bright side, his apartment is right next to a Planned Parenthood so you can get checked for crabs ASAP.

The Bronx – The Native Fuckboy

One of the most interesting things about living in NYC is that approximately .001% of the people you meet are actually from there. Cue the native fuckboy, who comes into your life to show you that being from New York means more than wearing black and screaming at pedestrians (though that, of course, is some of it). This guy will actually like, show you a good time and shit just by virtue of the fact that he actually knows the city and isn’t running through the same 5 date spots your non-native Bumble fuckboys have been throwing at you since 2014. Things will be going great until he, out of nowhere, catches feelings and invites you to his cousin’s 5th birthday party, which makes you realize, “oh fuck, his family is here and is like…important to him.” You’ll start putting clues together until you come to the horrible realization that the reason you’ve never gone to his place is because his place = his mom’s place. You’ll end this relationship quickly by telling him you’re allergic to children but can he please still send you all those cute pics of you at the botanical garden.

Staten Island – The Fuck No Fuckboy

Does this fuckboy even go here? Homeboy is so thirsty he took a fucking ferry just to go clubbing. This guy will roll up with a spray tan and chain necklace that screams “I voted for Trump.” You and your friends will talk and take selfies with him because honestly you haven’t seen anyone like him since Jersey Shore and his accent is bringing you back. You’ll take the joke too far by actually sleeping with him (at which point it is no longer a joke, girl, it’s your life) and he’ll spend 20 minutes the next morning trying to figure out where he parked his car. You’ll never see this fuckboy again, but he’ll be a consistent source of likes on your selfies, and that’s really what matters most. 

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.