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We Did a Very Scientific Tasting of Loverboy, You're Welcome

With all the buzz around the jaw-dropping eighth season of Summer House, it’s natural that Bravoholics are subconsciously craving the series’ unofficial beverage of choice, Loverboy. To be honest with y’all, I’m a little disappointed in those of you who haven’t tried it yet. I’m no Cookey Monster (yes I absolutely made up this name for Kyle Cooke stans out of nowhere, but let’s be real, it slaps) but even I had to admit he pulled a Bethenny-level business move by creating a beverage brand with a built-in marketing platform. It’s so impressive I’ll even go easy on the guy by forgoing the other ways he reminds me of Bethenny Frankel.

So, in the spirit of manifesting an early summer without consulting any celebrity rodents, I decided to try a few of the brand’s more popular vintages to help the folks at home decide how to pregame their next boozy barbecue. Here’s what every flavor of Lover Boy *really* tastes like.

Flavor: White Tea Peach

Loverboy White Tea Peach
Image Credit: Loverboy

Perfect For: Laying by the pool

Ranking: 7/10

Description: White Tea Peach is one of the more mellow, tea-forward Loverboy options, perfect for a slow summer afternoon. I suggest pouring it over ice and adding a squeeze of lemon to pull out the natural flavors. The flavor profile isn’t too overpowering though, so if you’re brave enough to make a Loverboy-based cocktail (the alcohol content is already at an efficient 4.2 ABV), this would be the one.

Flavor: Mango Pear

Loverboy Mango Pear
Image Credit: Loverboy

Perfect For: A Dave Matthews Band concert tailgate

Ranking: 5/10

Description: Four Loko girl, is that you? The bright side of Loverboy is the sugar-free recipe cuts down the hefty calorie count that comes with indulging, but sometimes that “natural flavoring” comes with a cost. Mango Pear immediately transports me back to all-day tailgates in stadium parking lots, chugging malt liquor bevies that tasted like they were conducting electricity through my digestive tract.

Flavor: Hibiscus Lime

Hibiscus Lime Loverboy
Image Credit: Loverboy

Perfect For: Throwing a drink in someone’s face

Ranking: 5/10

Description: One sip of Hibiscus Lime = immediate activation. This one also feels like it’s laced with moonshine, but like, in a good way? I’m not saying you can pound them by the gallon, but just one is enough to channel the spirit of one of Bravo’s patron saints of drink tosses: Tamra Judge, James Kennedy, or Kim Richards.

Flavor: Espresso Martini

Loverboy Espresso Martini
Image Credit: Loverboy

Perfect For: That dinner party you procrastinated planning

Ranking: 10/10

Description: I don’t know what in the world Kyle and Amanda put in those tiny little cans to make the Loverboy espresso martini, and honestly, I don’t need to. The flavor is so coffee-forward and fresh that it feels like something I’d (begrudgingly) fork over 20-plus dollars for at a fancy cocktail bar. If you really want to take it to the next level, shake the contents over ice, pour it into a chilled glass, and enjoy a luxurious cocktail you can take credit for to all your friends.

Marissa Dow
Marissa Dow
MARISSA is a trending news writer at Betches. She's more than just another pop-culture-addicted-east-coaster-turned-LA-transplant...she's also an upcoming television writer and aspiring Real Housewife (whichever comes first). Live, laugh, balegdah.