Catch up on last week’s Vanderpump Rules recap here!
Last week on Vanderpump Rules we found out that Jax probably cheated on Brittany more than once, and nobody was surprised. Also let me just say, fuck Bravo for doing this shit to me on New Year’s Day, aka national hangover day. And by “doing this shit to me,” I mean “airing their regularly scheduled programming.” My hangover is not prepared for this. Then again, my shame hangover is setting in, so maybe some good old-fashioned judging people who are stupider and richer than me might do me some good.
We open at Brittany’s apartment, where all the girls slept. Stassi ordering Taco Bell and drinking a beer first thing in the morning is very relatable and definitely not at all how I started the new year (*whispers to self* think they bought it?). Scheana is taking a private jet to Vegas with Lala and her
sugar daddy boyfriend.
The Toms go to Villa Rosa to talk to Lisa about the restaurant. Lisa is lounging on her roof with her dogs and can’t be bothered—how I aspire to handle all my future business deals. Lisa says to Ken that she’s “ready to call it quits,” which is definitely not at all just a fabricated angle by the producers to make us give a shit about this restaurant. Honestly, this shit is annoying. This fake back-and-forth doesn’t make me care any more about Tom Tom. Just saying.
Bravo is really doing the most with these flashbacks and the slow-mo sequence of Tom and Tom walking up to Lisa’s door. This isn’t Are You The One; we don’t need any flashy effects. Just give us the drama straight-up.
Lisa wants Tom and Tom to pay $120,000 for a 10% stake in the company, which IMO seems a little unfair. Like, Lisa employs these people. She knows how much they make. Specifically, she OF ALL PEOPLE should know that these barely employed bartenders don’t have 120 grand.
Lisa is like, “This is the deal, I’m not negotiating” but she also said to the camera that she just pulled that figure out of her ass. So… ?? Actual picture of Lisa Vanderpump:
They settle on 50 grand each for a 5% stake. I’m no Mark Cuban (I do watch a lot of Shark Tank though), but that doesn’t seem like the best deal. Like, can you really call yourself a business owner when you own 5% in said business?
Lisa: All I’m asking for is enthusiasm and positivity.
…Yeah, and 50 thousand dollars they probably don’t have.
Jax comes home when all the girls are face-first in Taco Bell, yelling and screaming that Brittany is being dramatic. He’s like “People are dying of cancer everyday, this is not a big deal.” Or in other words:
Well given that Jax’s dad just died of cancer, that’s very dark. (May he rest in peace.) So then Brittany…goes over and starts hitting him and pushes him out the door, basically. Yep. Ten minutes into the episode and we’re already witnessing physical assault. Cool. But like, I’m so glad Jax and Brittany were able to work out their problems and stay together in this very healthy and functional relationship.
Jax says to Brittany, “Everything was fine until you started talking to your friends about it,” aka, “Everything was fine until you went to that damn party and your friends went and talked some sense into you.”
I know, right? Isn’t it such a drag when women form their own opinions and stand up for themselves? Can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em, amiright?
Sandoval calls Ariana to tell her the good news about them being partners with Lisa, and her response is basically “k”.
Stassi is talking to Katie about planning Guillermo’s party and she literally said “I didn’t know I was OCD.” So you like, make one to-do list and think you have OCD? Girl, bye.
Scheana’s packing for her trip to Vegas, and her closet looks like the fucking Piper Lime accessory wall on Project Runway.
All the girls are like “violence is wrong but Brittany you’re doing amazing sweetie by hitting Jax.” I have no further comment at this time.
Lala comes over to Scheana’s, where Ariana is also hanging out (sitting on like, the floor of Scheana’s closet because reasons) and is talking about how well-off her married boyfriend is. Can you really make that much money from a mid-level film you produced like, three years ago? Seriously, look at this guy’s IMDB. He’s done, like, three movies. If you can get private jet money off of three movies nobody’s ever heard of, I’m packing my bags and going to film school.
Anyway, apparently Katie talked shit about Lala’s married boyfriend, and by that I mean Katie merely stated that Lala is dating someone who, at the time, was very much in the eyes of the law still married. Which, according to my research, is true. Or at least, it was at the time of filming. Separated =/= divorced—a lesson for all you kids at home.
Lala: Are you gonna mention my man again? Are you tryna get popped?
Ugh, Lala, take off your Compton beanie. You are a white girl from Utah. Stop. Lala is every white girl who sees Straight Outta Compton once.
Lala calling her boyfriend “very much not married” is very much fake news. The divorce was only finalized like, last week. We all have the receipts.
Ok so Lala tells Ariana and Scheana that Schwartz supposedly made out with Lala’s friend Allie. Tbh I’m probably going to stalk Lala’s Instagram to figure out who she is. Stay tuned for that follow-up article. Also I’d just like to say, fuck Lala for being like “If you come for my man I’m gonna come for your marriage.” That gives us two scenarios: Either Lala is making this up as retaliation because she’s salty, or she was going to sit on this information until Katie pissed her off. Both are bad, especially if you claim to be friends with Katie.
I’m not really going to entertain the “Stassi planning Guillermo’s party” storyline because it’s obvious that she doesn’t really have anything to do with it. You can’t plan an event with two days’ notice; it’s literally impossible. This event has ben planned for months, I’m not stupid.
Jax and Schwartz are at some restaurant that serves fried guacamole, and I need to know the name of this restaurant immediately.
Jax tells Schwartz that he’s not going to show up to Guillermo’s party, which means he’s definitely going to show up to Guillermo’s party. Schwartz brings up the possibility of having an open relationship, and like, FINALLY somebody brought it up.
Jax is like “I don’t want that.” Jax. Jax. JAX. You want the emotional benefits of a relationship, but you are incapable of being monogamous. I feel like an open relationship is exactly what you want. Know yourself.
Stassi is freaking out about running a couple of errands, like picking up a cake and flowers before 5pm. Yeah I guess having a real job for 35 seconds might be kind of hard.
Stassi has a bar mitzvah sign-in book at this grown-ass man’s birthday party. Shit, maybe I should get into event planning.
Kristen is at this party for reasons unknown and wastes no time bringing up to Brittany how shitty Jax is. Don’t you have your own relationship to worry about? Why is she so invested in Jax’s relationship? Theory: Kristen is in love with Jax. More on this at 7.
James and Jax are drinking together, which is something I never thought I’d see. They’re doing shots of absinthe—how all responsible nights start out.
Ariana goes to Schwartz like “Can I steal you for a sec?” Sorry, can you tell I’d rather be watching The Bachelor rn?
Ariana is like “Soooo I heard you drunkenly made out with somebody in January/February.” But she’s ALSO like “But don’t tell Katie about this now, wait until you’re home.” So why even bring it up at this party? I know, too much logic.
Schwartz is like, “January or February? What is the meaning of those words?” So Schwartz’s immediate excuse is “IDK I don’t remember.” In other words, “Yeah I definitely did that.” Or in other other words:
Meanwhile James and Jax are me and all my coworkers, getting wasted and taking selfies.
James: Absinthe tastes like a little green fairy that goes down your throat and rips your balls out your throat.
That’s not a taste, but ok. I really love this montage of their drunken babbling and I could watch an hour of James playing “got your nose” with Jax.
Jax is talking to James about his and Brittany’s sex life (again, things I never thought I’d see) and he’s like “she’s hate-fucking me.” Jax is explaining the Madonna/Whore complex. Wowowowow this is really advanced shit for Jax. I’m, dare I say, impressed. New year, new Jax?
Schwartz decides to tell Katie that he cheated on her in the middle of a crowded party. Fuck Schwartz. You don’t do this. I hated Katie last season, but damn. Nobody deserves to be publicly humiliated like that.
If I had a nickel for every time Schwartz said, “I have zero recollection of this” I could pay off my New Year’s Eve Uber. Also, what a weak excuse. You’re not even gonna deny you cheated? You’re just like, “Yea I probably did that, shrug life.”
Katie doesn’t even really seem that upset. She’s like “What did I do? Is this some kind of karmic punishment?” Not really, you just married the wrong person.
And what does Schwartz say? “Bubba, I have no recollection of this.” Contrary to what I tell myself when I’m hungover, even if you don’t remember something, that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. However, I may start using this anyway.