It’s 2018: a year that promises to deliver on all of our missed hopes, dreams, and opportunities of the last five years, provided our brave leader doesn’t get into a nuclear dick-measuring contest and kill us all. On the bright side, that would mean we didn’t have to diet or go to work anymore. Hmm.
Anyway, if we DO live and/or survive a nuclear holocaust, kicking some not-so-cool foods to the curb in the name of resolutions sounds like a great way to start the year, kinda. Because we understand that no one likes to do work, we’ve rounded up the eight foods you need to release from your grubby little hands stat.
1. Flavored Milks
This goes for super extra chocolate whole milk, strawberry rice milk, vanilla almond milk, and everything in between. According to Shape magazine, although plain whole milk, soy milk, etc. offer tons of health benefits, adding the flavor means adding the sugar. Like, you may as well have one to three cookies instead of a glass of this shit.
2. Trail Mix
This is candy with obstacles. No one should be surprised it’s on our shit list. A handful can be more than 200 calories. Like, I enjoy sushi rolls with fewer calories than that—and they’re an actual meal. Unless you’re dying of starvation on an actual trail, reach for some roasted nuts instead.
Yas, they’re better for you than chips, but they’re made with white flour, salt, and your body works through them in record time. MEANING you’ll be totally hungry again in 10 mins. Nope.
4. Protein Bars
I realize that an easy replacement for a meal is almost anything that comes in bar form. However, the protein bar you’re reaching for probs is going the way of the Kaltene bars in Mean Girls—it’s literally full of calories, carbs, and sugar. Like yes, if you have NOTHING else to eat, go ahead. But if you’re nomming on this as a mid-morning snack and wondering why sweatpants are all that fits you right now, get woke.
5. Bottled Tea
Sugar plus water plus light flavoring somehow equals healthy? Stop being stupid. Grab a water and start living.
6. Agave Nectar
Right so, just because something originally came from a plant, that doesn’t make it an amazing health food. Technically, cocaine comes from a plant, too, and I wouldn’t exactly be singing its praises for the energy benefits, knowwhatimean? K. This shit, according to Forkly, is actually worse for you than regular sugar. It’s actually 70-90% fructose, whereas reg sugar is only like 50%. Pass.
7. Flavored Yogurts
If you aren’t buying plain Greek yogurt and flavoring it yourself, I don’t want to know you. There’s often a lot of sugar and a LOTTTT of processed ingredients. So like, if you want something sweet, add some fruit, some honey, or what the fuck ever you want yourself.
8. Microwave Popcorn
Staahhhp. Although it totally seems like an easy and fast snack, there can be a lot of sodium and preservatives. You’re better off buying some kernels and popping them yourself in a brown paper bag. I’ll literally never do that, but it sounds great.
Images: Alisha Hieb / Unsplash; Giphy (4)