If I knew 12 years ago that a vigorous Wattpad presence would be the ticket to fame and fortune, I would have been like, “fuck jazz band” and spent all my extracurricular hours writing smut about the will-they-won’t-they couple from Bones. But just because something makes a lot of money, doesn’t mean it’s good. I was fully planning to hate-watch Anne Hathaway’s new straight-to-streaming film The Idea of You, a rom-com based on a book based on a horny fanfic fantasy about a mom who ends up dating Harry Styles. But to my surprise and delight, it ended up being… kind of a bop?
I guess when you have Bezos money to pay for an Oscar-winner, you can elevate your mommy porn to new heights. (I’ll keep that in mind when I try to find a streamer for my debut novel, To The Bone(r).) Here are 10 deep, insightful thoughts and probing, unanswered questions from the cinematic experience that is The Idea of You:
1. Solo camping is never a plan of sound mind, and it’s not going to be fun!
You can’t even get yourself to thumb through “Camping For Dummies” for 15 minutes, and you think you’re going to magically transform into Reese Witherspoon in Wild?
BFFR. You’re gonna spend 75 minutes trying to pitch a tent, have a sad PB&J for dinner while you ruminate about your divorce, and endure a sleepless night where you spaz at every twig snap worried that Hannibal Lecter and his bear best friend have come to make a s’more out of your face.
2. I need to know Daniel and Eva’s pickleball stats.
Do they rank in the state of California? Does Daniel make his entire firm attend summer pickleball retreats so he can show off his dink shot? Is their post-pickle sex fueled by their electricity on the court, or do they suffer through a painfully silent car ride home after losing to Bill and Marsha?
3. Solène’s trespassing meet-cute is pretty privilege at its most egregious.
A 10 knocks on a pop star’s trailer bathroom door and gets offered a kombucha and a quickie. A 7 knocks on a pop star’s trailer bathroom door and is arrested for stalking and put on a no-fly list.
4. Solène def watched those TikToks where people act out pretending not to know their celebrity crush.
@lavendercashewmilklattedont know who you are bc im such a cool girl & we should probably date♬ original sound – Annelise
Timo-tay Chall-o-may?? No, I don’t think we’ve met before. You’re an actor? Would I have seen any of the shows you’ve been in?
5. Is Solène’s friend’s Glendale warehouse painting not the ugliest effing skirt you’ve ever seen?
Solène is so fucking pretentious, she buys her linens directly from a flax farm in Nepal, yet somehow, a Lisa Frank homework folder of a painting makes her feel “everything.” Her daughter is right to question if she’s housing a tin of organic gummies, because that would be the only viable excuse.
6. Who thought it was a good idea to invite sad single strangers at Solène’s 40th birthday party?
Not only did your husband leave you for a 20-something associate, your friends are going to rub salt in the wound by inviting a guy with a pet turtle to woo you at your own goddamn birthday party. And I get it, we can’t all rent out private islands for our 40th like Kim K, but I at least hope mine isn’t spent speed-dating with the cast of Office Space.
7. Did Hayes really not pay for Solène’s flight to New York?
The bitch is in middle seat economy Hell on a 6-hour flight from LA! Hayes had no problem spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on the spaghetti tiles and bulbous pottery from her gallery to get her attention, but when it actually comes to closing the deal, he’s like, her Amex points can cover it.
8. We all know Anne Hathaway has an amazing body.
I get why a normal 40-year-old would feel insecure wearing a bikini next to a bunch of 22-year-old college thots, but normal 40+ women also aren’t having sex with Harry Styles and wearing $400 lingerie when they’re home alone watching Graham Norton. Plus, she had her kid 16 years ago, she’s definitely done enough hot yoga and green juices to make up for it.
9. If it was my daughter, she would have had to deal with the bullying.
She would thank me in the long run! Sure, it’s a couple years of dick jokes from the popular girls, but then I’m married to Harry Styles, we have 7 homes, and she gets to wear custom Loewe to senior prom.
10. Why am I so attracted to the ex-husband?
I get that they’re making Nicholas Galitzine the next It Boy, but can we get some love for Reid Scott? He is a hot silver fox daddy with an important merger to get to. He can yell at me any time!
