Try To Stay Unbothered: Weekly Horoscopes March 2-6

The stars have some good news and some bad news for us this week, astrologers! The good news: Mercury in retrograde is almost over! The bad news: soon you’ll have to find another thing to blame all of your problems on. Now what will you say when you need an excuse for showing up 15 minutes late to a morning meeting??? That the lighting was good so you stopped to take selfies??? (Aka the truth.)


The best advice for Aries this week is to try and chill the f*ck out, okay? Mercury in retrograde is making you blow things way out of proportion in basically all aspects of your life. Not every text needs to be analyzed and over-analyzed so you can find something bad in it, and none of your coworkers are trying to sabotage your life. Yet.


You’re feeling hella distracted with Mercury finishing up its retrograde this week, and it shows. Worse yet, a situation could arise that needs your attention, so you’re going to have to pull all your strength to get it done. Or call your doctor to renew your college Adderall prescription. Either works.


Is it lust or is it love? Mercury is making that distinction particularly hazy this week, so maybe hold off on any major “what are we?” conversations until that plays itself out. Like, this would not be the week to meet a guy in a windowless pod and agree to marry him sight unseen. Save that sh*t for April.


This week will bring a renewed focus on your relationships, Cancer, and thank God! Has Mercury in retrograde been putting some distance between you and a close friend? This is the week to mend that sh*t. Maybe it’s time to give them a call? Or, if you’re like me and phone calls give you hives, send a thoughtfully worded text.


You’re feeling judgey as f*ck this week, Leo, and you need to take it down a notch. It’s as Jesus said, “Who are you to get salty at the drunk girl at the bar when you were the drunk girl at the bar just last week?” Check yourself.


You’ve been being way too hard on yourself lately, Virgo. Time for a little self love. This week will bring opportunities for you to advocate for yourself and show those around you that you know your worth. Like the lead at the end of every rom-com.


Beware of placing the blame on others for your own sh*t this week, Libra. Sure, it’s easier to blame your friends/lovers/family members/strangers on the street for all of life’s problems, but the only way to solve them is to actually take accountability for yourself. I guess you could say the same for Mercury in retrograde…


Google cal looking a bit overwhelming, Scorpio? You’ve been overstuffing your schedule, and are cruising for some serious exhaustion. Time to reevaluate. Look at where you’re spending your time, and lose what doesn’t serve you. Everyone deserves at least a little time to pour a glass of wine and watch horrible television during the week.


Big financial decisions are coming your way, Sagittarius! Just in time for tax season. Don’t be afraid to go to knowledgeable friends or, better yet, actual professionals before making a choice. You want to make sure you look at all of the facts before investing your hard-earned cash. And never forget that any business opportunities you get via Facebook message from a person you knew in middle school is probably a pyramid scheme.


Bring on the daddy (or mommy) issues! This week could bring some trouble in your family life, as old wounds get reopened by an unforeseen force. Try to remain calm. Just because you’ve been having the same fight since you were a kid doesn’t mean you have to be childish. (Unless your sister stole your leggings again, in which case this does mean war.)


Something—or more likely someone—is sapping your energy this week. Time to take a step way, way back. Being a good friend doesn’t mean giving a person every single second of your time, and aren’t they kind of being a bad friend by making you? Mind = blown.


Mercury in retrograde is making everyone kind of selfish, but luckily you are above the fray. No need to exert too much energy on other people’s drama this week, Pisces. You can just chill at home, unbothered by their irrelevant, ugly asses. Go to bed.

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Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.