So you’re a woke-ass betch but you keep getting curved? Contrary to what your friends and mom are telling you, if you’re getting curved left and right on dating apps, the problem is likely with you. But never fear, we turned to a local bro to help you figure out what the problem is—because you know your friends are never going to straight-up tell you you have a shitty personality. The good news is, unless you’re just ugly with a shitty personality, your problem is very easily fixed. (And if you’re ugly, your problem is also easily fixed with the help of a trusted plastic surgeon.) Turn your match list from fuckboys to bae watch with these five tips, straight from the mouth of a bro.
1. Snapchat Filters
I want to know what you look like. Not what you would look like if your mom was a raccoon and your father was a wood elf. Yes, the filter hides blemishes and contours your face in, like, the PERFECT way. It also makes you look like an alien queen with cataracts. And FFS, can we please retire the puppy filter? If I wanted to date a dog, I’d hang outside Petco with a chew toy and “see who vibes.”
2. Your Bio Is Exclusively Emojis
It’s not “adorbz.” It’s confusing. Emojis are the hot sauce of conversation. A splash is great; a whole bottle leaves me vomiting out my soul in a Taco Bell bathroom. If I wanted to decipher hieroglyphics I’d smoke a bowl with my roommate and binge watch Ancient Aliens. We’re not in kindergarten. We can use our words. Octopus + spaceship = left swipe.
3. Never Asking Me A Single Question
I’m not here to get your exclusive interview for Vogue; I’m here to see if we click. Why would I ask you out if you’ve never asked me a question? If you want to give endless answers, take a Buzzfeed quiz.
4. Never Smiling In Any Photos
How you gonna look like we just broke up when we haven’t even gone on a date yet? Unless you’re a coal miner from the 1860s or you got dragged to hot yoga, there’s no reason not to smile. Yes, I realize “You should smile more” tops the hot 100 of shit women never want to hear from men, right between “Ayy ma” and “I don’t believe in condoms,” but this is all about first impressions. No one wants to date the girl who looks like she’s never experienced joy, or even seen a Pixar movie.
5. “Just On Here To Make Friends”
Using dating apps to make friends is like trying to get drunk off hand sanitizer: If it’s come to this, you need serious professional help. No guy you match with wants to be your friend. Especially if he tells you he does. You have a better chance screaming out your window at strangers or praying that your cat learns to talk. If you want friends, join a softball team. Literally anything else. Just don’t join a dating app.