Time To Slow Your Roll: Weekly Horoscopes October 19-23

This week, the stars are here to wreak havoc on your plans. With Mars in retrograde, Mercury in retrograde, and Venus in Virgo, this can only mean one thing: slow tf down. Now is not the time for rash decisions, major moves, or overly aggressive Instagram stories. Take this as a sign from the stars to hold back, chill out, and continue main-lining reality television per usual.


With 2021 fast approaching, you’re itching to cross more of your end-of-year goals off. Unfortunately, with Mars retrograding in your sign, now is not the time to try to speed up your timeline to hit some arbitrary “completed by” goal. As they say, slow and steady wins the race. It’s okay if you don’t do everything you planned to do this year. There’s kind of been other shit going on.


We all know you pride yourself on being chill, but there is such a thing as being too chill and you’re dangerously approaching that this week. Your go with the flow attitude might lead you down a path you don’t actually want to follow. Check in with yourself and make sure you’re headed in a direction you actually want to go. You can hit the vape pen and resume maximum chillage the moment you’re back on track.


You’re not normally afraid of a little TMI, but this week you might want to keep your cards a little closer to your chest. With so many planets retrograding the line between “quirky overshare” and “creeping everyone the fuck out” might be a little blurred. No need to give yourself a reason to look back on the night before and wish you hadn’t said half this shit you said (though TBH you’ll be doing that anyway).


A plan you’re dying to hatch might actually need a little more time to incubate this week, Cancer. Sure you might *feel* like it’s time to launch your big idea, but as we in astrology like to say, the stars are not aligned. Continue to tweak around the edges, do another proofread, and hold off on the big day until every planet isn’t conspiring to fuck you up.


The world has set an impossible task for you this week, Leo: stay humble. With the planets all out of whack, your self confidence can veer into overconfidence, which can veer into annoying the shit out of everyone which can veer into screwing yourself over. Basically, it’s a check-yourself-before-you-wreck-yourself-type scenario. You’ve been warned.


Your usual ability to keep your cool goes out the window this week. Given all the astrological shakeups going on, you’re due for an emotional overload. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing! You may find yourself ready to take the plunge with your current on-again-off-again thing, or give your current partner a little extra lovin’. That should help them get through the cold, long winter sleeping next to your cold, dead heart.


Get ready for your least favorite thing: conflict. Your diplomatic sign usually prefers to handle things like adults, but there’s no use in that when everyone else is acting like they’re on the playground. Yes, Michelle Obama says to go high when they go low, but might I suggest going… medium? No need to go full real housewife, but you don’t have to hold back all your sick burns either. It’s not your fault the person you’re arguing with is a virgin who can’t drive.


Time to turn down the sarcasm, Scorpio. Yes, you are smarter than everyone, but nobody likes hearing that and it’s not helpful. Especially if you’re trying to convince them of anything election-related. Tone down the superiority for a minute and treat people with respect. Then you’ll actually be the badass genius you imagine yourself to be.


To spend or not to spend? That is the eternal question. This week you might find yourself caught between the desire to buy yourself a shiny new toy, and the desire to continue to pay rent in a pandemic. Why not split the difference? There has to be a way to treat yourself without draining your entire checking account.


Your mission this week: conserve, conserve, conserve. Energy, water, f*cks to give, whatever you can. You might be tempted to overextend yourself this week thinking it’ll help get you over the finish line, but it’ll actually set you back (and f*ck up your skin). Nobody wants that.


That juicy piece of gossip you’re dying to share? Be sure to check, and double check, that you’re sharing it with the right people. Impulsive Mars might push you to shit talk in mixed company this week, and it could cause you some unnecessary drama. Remember the golden rule: if you don’t have anything nice to say, wait a little bit, then put it in the group chat.


Is there a relationship in your life where you’ve been doing all the heavy lifting? Time to let that sh*t go, Pisces. All the energy you’ve been putting in to try to make things work with this lover/friend/coworker could be put towards literally anything else. Seriously. Anything. (Like finally cleaning up that pile of clothes that’s been accumulating on a random chair since the start of the pandemic.)

Images: Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.