Time To Go Deep (And Block Your Ex): Weekly Horoscopes April 26-30

A full moon in Scorpio? Get ready for drama. Scorpio is known for its intensity, its need for intimacy, and its love of everything mysterious and unsaid. So get ready for all of that. With Scorpio taking the lunar wheel, you can expect all the shit you’ve been hiding under the surface to come bubbling up in some form or another. Your mission? Deal with that sh*t. Before it deals with you.


Lower the gates! This week, Scorpio’s desire for intimacy might just give you the push you need to lower those walls. It’s time to let people in. Not saying you have to post your business for the world to see, but have you considered confiding in a friend about… literally anything? Could be worth a shot!


Time to let go of that one past relationship you still haven’t let go of, even though it’s like, way overdue. You know exactly the one I’m talking about. Light a candle. Burn your former flame’s name and throw the ashes out to sea. Wait… no… that actually sounds even more obsessive. Maybe just delete their number?


Is it time to inject some realism into your dreamy Gemini life? It looks like it. This week, it’s time to give yourself a dose of Scorpio’s signature brutal honesty. What are you even doing right now? What path do you want to take? Stop f*cking around and make a choice. Scorpio says so.


When water meets water, the creativity flows. And that’s exactly what’s happening with this month’s Scorpio full moon. The sudden surge in creative energy means you’re definitely going to want a notebook nearby to write down all of your incredible ideas. This sh*t is genius-level.


This full moon it’s time to ask yourself—what are you holding onto that you can let go? Scorpio is great at getting to the root of problems and seeing what lies beneath, making now the perfect time to examine (and dispose of) negative attachments. Or just keep them and stay attached forever! Your call!


Thanks to Scorpio, your filter is fully on the fritz this week. Oops! Try to find an excuse to keep your camera off during your boss’s latest boring-ass non-sequitur now, because there is no hiding your true emotions this week. It’s not your fault. Your eyes just roll like that sometimes.


A Scorpio full moon is the perfect time to make like Eminem and clear out your closet. Literally. Scorpio gets you more in touch with your true feelings, meaning you’ll have an easier time determining what truly “sparks joy,” and what can safely head off to your latest Goodwill donation. Hint: anything you haven’t worn since *before* the quarantine can definitely go.


A full moon in your sign? It’s transformation time! You know that “new you” you’ve been working on? Now is the perfect time to shed cocoon and emerge as a beautiful, vaccinated butterfly. And yes, that does mean this is a great week to treat yourself to a haircut or COVID-safe facial. Say the moon told you to do it.


Listen to your intuition this week, Sagittarius, because it’s at an all-time high. If the vibes are off, it’s time to GTFO. This week’s full moon has you particularly in touch with your own intelligence, so if you’re telling yourself something, it’s probably true. Unless you’re drunk and think it’s a good time to cut your own bangs. Then I’d say hold off.


Welcome to the new world, Capricorn! This week is all about getting into your community for you, Capricorn, whether it be swinging by a local farmer’s market, checking in on your favorite coffee shop, or just actually engaging with your overly chatty neighbor. It wasn’t so long ago that literally all of those activities were forbidden by the CDC.


The full moon is giving you the confidence you need to flex in the workplace, Aquarius, so don’t be afraid to unmute. Now is the perfect time to utilize personal and professional connections to get ahead in your career, as you just so happen to be extra personable and charming these days. Good for you!


Share the wealth, Pisces! This week, you may feel compelled to share knowledge you’ve acquired recently with others, whether it be showing your dad how to reset the router over FaceTime (for the millionth time), or making a shareable social media graphic about a topic that’s important to you. It’s time to share your genius with the world!

Images: Julian Myles / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.