Time For Some Spring Cleaning: Weekend Horoscopes April 5-7

There’s a new moon in Aries this weekend, making us all feel a little more able to get our sh*t together. Now is a good time to reorganize your closet, start a bullet journal, or just finally clean out your camera roll. Do you really need all those memes? Okay, yes you do, but you can definitely delete all the photos of you with your ex. Sorry Brandon, but your old dick pics just don’t spark joy.


Fantastic news, Aries! It’s still your season, and as a a result, you’re in a good mood. I don’t think I need to tell you that this is not always the case, so take advantage of the good vibes this weekend by planning something amazing for you and your crew. When else will you actually have the patience to coordinate everyone’s schedule and dietary restrictions? Never, that’s when.


Woah Taurus, is this a Hot Topic circa 2005? Because you are emo as f*ck right now. It’s not gonna change, so why not lean into it? Blast some My Chemical Romance and spend the weekend reconnecting with your inner Seth Cohen. Just try not to make any dramatic hair decisions until this phase passes.


Feeling stuck in a rut lately, Gemini? It’s time to branch out! This weekend, make a promise to yourself that you’ll try at least one new thing. You can go back to hitting up the same five bars with the same five people and ordering one of the same five drinks next week. This weekend, that’s not going to cut it.


You’re making money moves this weekend, Cancer. You’re in the mood to start a bullet journal and plan your entire f*cking life, so be sure to set some time aside to do just that. There’s nothing like a lazy Sunday spent vision boarding to convince you that you’re actually the next Beyoncé.


Your intuition is off the charts right now, Leo, so don’t ignore anything it says. That dude at the bar giving you the creeps? Boy, bye. Did your friend seem kind of pissed when she texted “k.”? She is. Uber driver seem like he’s going to murder you and dump you in the river? Okay that’s probably just the true crime obsession talking, but maybe get a Pool just in case!


You’re feeling open and vulnerable right now, Virgo, meaning you will be that girl at the bar who can’t stop crying and tells everyone her life story. Luckily for you, you’re also very charming right now and can pull it off. Just please try to stop yourself before the snot bubbles come out, because no one needs to see that.


Spring has sprung, and you’re ready to find your warm-weather fling. But it can only happen if you actually leave the house. No swiping for you! This weekend, try to meet someone the old-fashioned way: following them around the bar until they get the hint and buy you a drink.


That Aries season energy has you feeling motivated to hit the gym, meaning you might finally make that 9am cycling class you keep signing up for then canceling. Stock up on green juice and sign up for the craziest sh*t you can find on ClassPass. Who knows? You might actually like aerial yoga.


It’s do or die time for your love life, Sagittarius. That person you’ve been messaging, but never actually meeting up with? Set up a date or un-match ASAP. You’re at a point where it’s either time to take it to the next step with someone, or tell them to GTFO. You deserve to move on with your life so you can be single and fun again.


Start thinking about what in your apartment sparks joy now, Capricorn, because it’s time for some spring cleaning. No, those words don’t make for the most lit weekend eve,r but add some wine, tunes, and binging of your favorite true crime podcast and it can still be a party. Kind of.


Pull out your favorite going out look, or buy a new one ASAP, because you’re on f*cking fire this weekend. Like, literally I’m jealous, and everyone around you will be too. Whatever. They’ll get over it. Just be sure to get tons of pics because you will turn back into a pumpkin by Monday.


All this Aries energy is making you want to get your finances in order, and considering it’s tax season, that’s probs not a bad idea. I’m not saying you have to dedicate your whole weekend to crunching numbers, but set a little time aside to figure out what the f*ck you’re gonna do about that credit card bill.

Images: Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.