If Santa didn’t bring you a Dyson Airwrap for Christmas, fear not, because with a little bit of patience, we’ve been given the greatest gift of all — a new season of Peacock’s The Traitors, this time with an all-celeb chaos cast.
Luckily, unlike last season’s whiny normies who couldn’t comprehend the literal point of a game *called* The Traitors and cried about how betrayed they felt, this year’s jaded, seasoned, 40+ crowd is actually here to play. And who can blame them?! They deserve to have one last adventure before they break a hip.
The game has only just begun, and our contestants’ true colors are starting to show, so let’s break down who’s on their betchiest behavior and who needs to step their 🐱 up.
WARNING: The following ranking contains *heavy* spoilers for episodes 1-3 of Season 2 of The Traitors.
Carsten “Bergie” Bergersen
Poor Bergie! All the lad wants to do is “prove to the world” that he can “figure things out” on his own.
He admittedly can’t lie or manipulate — the main pillars of the game — and he also isn’t very good at untying knots! I thought those rosy cheeks would at least have earned him a Boy Scout badge or two.
Shereé can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Because she didn’t show up to film spiritually, mentally, and maybe also physically. She’s still waking up from the Xanax she took on the plane ride over.
Mercedes “MJ” Javid
Who? Where? Dan is catching so much heat for not talking enough, but where the hell has MJ been? The only thing I can tell you of note is that she unironically used the word “swaggy” in the show’s opening minutes, and that in itself is deserving of a banishment.
I’m not disliking Pilot Pete as much as I thought I would, mostly because it’s so cute that he and Kevin think they’re playing the game when they’re really just playing flick football at the kids’ table.
His master plan for him and Kevin to write each other’s names down at the banishment in order to protect themselves from murder? Adorable! It’s not like the rest of the cast has totally noticed that you two have spent every day together this week gossiping on the chaise like little girls. You really big-brained them there, Pete!
Kevin scammed his way onto The Traitors season 2 just like he scammed his way into the lives of Bling Empire’s LA socialites — for some reason he’s just there, and no one is asking questions. Like Anna Delvey, minus the slay.
Kevin’s betchiest moment is when Janelle tells him that Johnny Bananas has won seven seasons of The Challenge, and Kevin goes, “what challenge?” Except he’s not even trying to be a betch, he just genuinely doesn’t know. He’s so simple and blessed. I bet he thinks he likes this little life.
The betchiest thing about Marcus’s behavior was that he wore sunglasses inside during the first cocktail hour — sir, this isn’t the Big Brother house, this is Alan Cumming’s castle. Show some respect.
During confessionals, he was trying to front like he had ice in his veins ‘cause of his “Jordan blood,” but I didn’t believe that monologue for a second. He seems like the type of guy who stocks up on Sleepytime tea.
Chris “CT” Tamburello
In the glory days of The Challenge, CT was the biggest betch ever, but he’s simmered down to basic curmudgeon levels in his advanced age.
In classic CT fashion, he’s laying low and not talking a lot of game, except to brag in his confessional about how everyone owed their first challenge win to his invaluable expertise on rowing boats and shouting. He also made a bizarre, potentially betchy, deep cut Disney reference when he referred to himself as Peter Pan and his colleague, Johnny Bananas, as the lost boy Rufio. Literally who is Rufio and why does CT know his lore?!?!?!?!
I had high hopes for Peppermint’s score on the betch-o-meter, but she was a major flop. And we know for a fact the library was not closed, so where were the reads??
Peppermint let Trishelle, who’s barely been on TV since 2013, drag her name through the mud like she’s the Regina George of the castle, when she’s really just an MTV has-been with no business calling the shots.
When their alleged “feud” became a public matter at breakfast, all Peppermint could muster was a halfhearted, awkwardly performative runway walk, with a weak zinger about murdering people with her look. When you hire Jo Koy to workshop your one-liners, it’s no wonder you’ll have to sashay away.
Johnny “Bananas” Devenanzio
Disclaimer: I have such a huge crush on Johnny Bananas, but after Phaedra called him a repo man, I’m realizing that it might just be Stockholm Syndrome from watching 30+ seasons of The Challenge. Is he actually hot?! I may never truly know.
Bananas getting murdered on Night 1 was the biggest waste of an oversized appearance fee in the history of reality television, but we still managed to get a few betchy moments from him before his early demise.
He came for host Alan Cumming by attacking the one thing he holds most dear — his outfits — boldly calling him “the second best-dressed man on his own show” to which Alan replied, “back off, bitch.” We need people like Johnny to get Alan off-script! And let’s be real, no one else can use the word “skullduggery” and really sell it like the Banana Man can.
I’m sure it takes a lot to get banned from Parliament on account of bullying, yet in the Traitors’ castle, former MP John Bercow is finding himself to be the bullied! The man’s getting his ass handed to him by a girl who came in 13th place on Big Brother TWICE.
Lying about having asthma was cute, but I’m going to need way more from this former toxic boy-boss. Throw a scone at Peter Weber’s head, for Christ’s sake.
Everyone else is playing The Traitors, and Deontay is out here auditioning for Hamlet. Every night we get another Deontay soliloquy; he laments the unjust banishment of Peppermint and then spearheads the wrongful banishment of Maks. To traitor or not to traitor??
Deontay gives a very “It was Professor Plum in the ballroom with the lead pipe!” monologue about Maks’ poorly executed deceptions, replete with dramatic pauses and turns of phrase, but once Maks reveals himself a faithful, he goes and cries about it in the parlor. Getting paid to act out a murder mystery game for Peacock weighs too heavy on his gentle soul!!!
Tamra popped off in an early confessional about how easy it would be to spot traitors, but all she’s done is bully an old man about his fake asthma diagnosis.
Tam-Tam hatched a wiley plan to catch John in his lie, asking to borrow his inhaler while they huffed and puffed through a jog together during the scarecrow challenge. John tried to save face, clarifying that he only had childhood asthma, but Tamra is too wise for his tricks!
If bringing up your undergrad psychology minor is considered betchy, Ekin-Su scored some points there.
She also made a concerted effort to try and convince us that while she is indeed the hottest person in the castle, she is not like other girls. In fact, she is totally different and quirky — she likes comic books and conspiracy theories. And if that hasn’t changed your mind yet, she can twist her arm around like an owl! How kooky and relatable! The threat of her EmRata aura has been neutralized!
Maksim “Maks” Chmerkovskiy
Maks was unfortunately too betchy for his own good, getting him banished 1000% because of his shitty personality and 0% because anyone actually thought he was smart enough to be a traitor. Suspiciously walking into rooms and then rejecting invitations from its occupants to come hang? Not how you make friends. Stick to Cha Chaing with Vanessa Lachey!
It’s low-key betchy of Dan to underestimate his co-traitor, Phaedra, to such a high degree just because she’s a Real Housewife.
First of all, Phaedra is a lawyer, the most feared profession in the Survivor/Big Brother universe, and secondly, being a successful Bravolebrity is probably just as hard as winning Big Brother. I bet Big Brother is actually easier, all you have to do is play a carnival game once every six days and try not to get caught napping by the producers.
Larsa wasn’t the only one who brought a plus one to the castle — Sandra arrived with an extra special guest as well: adult braces.
I have to give her mad props for going on TV in such a state. I would be holed up in my apartment for good, only leaving for orthodontist appointments and the occasional mental health walk during which I would smile at no living creature.
Sandra has been playing an under-the-radar game so far, but we have to award Betchy Points for her uber chilly “reconciliation” with her Survivor rival Parvati. She literally said, “I extend my hand to you,” like she’s an AI that just downloaded its first chapter on conflict-resolution, or the Reddit-pilled 15-year-old boy that you got stuck going to Homecoming with.
Blair Waldorf has traded the steps of the Met for the Scottish highlands, and she’s holding court.
Not only is Parvati dazzling viewers with chic all-white ensembles and betchy beaded headbands, she came to play. Sure, it’s been sixteen years since she flirted and frauded her way to victory on Survivor with the Black Widow Brigade, but after embracing her invitation to join Dan and Phaedra in the traitors’ turret, it’s like no time has passed.
Artfully crossing out a “D” for Dan before casting a vote for Maks at the roundtable? Genius. Grabbing the chalice challenge by the balls because her traitor partners don’t have the skill or finesse to pull off a public murder? “Zero adrenaline.” Just another day at the office for Survivor’s one true queen.
God, Trishelle is annoying. I mean first off, her name is Trishelle, which sounds like it came from one of those parody videos about inbred Christian baby names, but I digress.
Anyway, she started the most ridiculous feud with Peppermint after *hilariously* joking that Peppermint would murder her out of jealousy for her insanely fashionable wardrobe. (IDK that your houndstooth blazer is giving anyone anything to worry about, but sure.) When Peppermint made a mock shocked facial expression, Trishelle ballooned her reaction into a surefire tell that Peppermint was a traitor.
Trishelle cannot shut up about this “tiff” for the next 48 hours, replaying the action to anyone who’ll listen like she’s Jesse Palmer during the Rose Bowl. All that yapping around the castle made Peppermint an easy community vote, which means we’ll get more from Trishelle’s suitcase of Forever 21 after all.
You’d think back-to-back faceplants on Big Brother would have Janelle playing a scared game in the back of the class with Bling Boy, but she’s speeding down the freeway in a stolen semi-truck full of ZYN until she either crosses the finish line or flames out once again.
Janelle is playing for Janelle. She immediately put Parliament Man on the defensive when she called out his Darth Vader breathing during the traitor selection process, then ruthlessly claimed the first shield in the water puzzle challenge (but not before eating shit on her way there).
The icing on the cake was Janelle body slamming Bella Hadid out of the way for her second shield during the graveyard challenge, creating the second most asinine beef of the season.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have ourselves an HBIC!
Phaedra immediately brought betch when she told us that she doesn’t camp, she glamps, and that glamping occurs at the Ritz Carlton (*adjusts fur*).
Despite the tightrope walk that comes with Traitor Status, Phaedra’s social game is on lock. She accumulates information from every avenue, keeps everyone thinking she’s on their side with a hefty dose of validation, and gleefully murders her foes with gay abandon.
If showing up to the castle with your 17-year age gap boy toy isn’t serving betch, I don’t know what is.
Like Janelle, Larsa used the traitor selection process as an opportunity to throw shade for no reason. She implicates Parvati by announcing to the group that she has supersonic hearing, and could hear the vibrations of Alan lifting his jacket as he moved to her left.
I don’t doubt that she believes she experienced that sequence of micro-sounds and events, but she sounds like a doomsday truther ranting about crop circles. If she wins the $250K, maybe she and Ekin-Su can put on a freak circus and perform their special skills for the paying public.