By Sara K. Runnels | July 03, 2023

Odds are, if you’re reading this piece, you’ve either 1) seriously contemplated dropping dollars on Vanderpump merch, or 2) are currently sporting your “Something About Her” hat, “Send It To Darrell” sweatshirt, or are literally on the treadmill sweating to the “Good as Gold” UberEats remix on repeat. The VPR girlies are pumping in some major cash with their business endeavors and their clever, contemporary, convenient lines of revenge merchandise, and rightfully so!

Things are going so well, in fact, you know there’s bound to be a sneaky little rat who also wants in on the cheese. Enter: Sandoval. (Ugh, who let him in?!) We’ve got an exclusive look at the merch he’s shamelessly trying to move as the women move UP and ON.

Be sure to use promo code GREASY to get 5% off.

Sandoval, it’s a joke. Don’t make this a thing.

Basic Tees x5

Don’t be a tease — just buy these tees.

Keep Tom And Carry On

tom-sandoval-shirt — Image Credit: Betches

Tried To Heal At Miraval And All I Got Was This T-Shirt

Rockstar Worm With A Mustache

Take Me To SURch

100 Yards Away From Scheana

Tank Top

The perfect ‘fit when your life is tanking and you’re sandwiched between scandals.

Something About Him

Sweatshirt

Representin’ my representation! Darron is not my lawyer but he is my cousin’s friend’s son who helps me with paperwork, legal stuff, etc. in exchange for college credit.

Send It To Darron

Accessories

Saint Sandy Prayer Candle

No more thots, just prayers, please.

tom-sandoval-candle — Image Credit: Betches

Coors Light x Sandoval Holiday Ornament

For your first Christmas alone.

tom sandoval ornament — Image Credit: Betches

Everything’s All-White Nail Polish

I’ve got to hand it to myself… really nailed it with these.

tom sandoval white nail polish — Image Credit: Betches

Jewelry

It Is Complicated BFF Necklace

When your best friend tells the world he needs some time apart from you…

tom sandoval necklace — Image Credit: Betches

WWTD Bracelet

If you’re thinking about blowing up your entire life for a woman with chronic brain crickets, take a swift glimpse at this stunning piece of jewelry, ask yourself “What Would Tom Do?” and then absolutely do not do that thing.

tom-sandoval-bracelet — Image Credit: Betches

Clearance (85% Off Due To Excess Inventory)

Sandoval Hot Mess Sauce

When life hands you lemons…set your life aflame.

tom sandoval hot sauce — Image Credit: Betches

My Only Fan

These are on clearance because there’s clearly a typo. The manufacturers will be hearing from Darron!

tom sandoval fan — Image Credit: Betches

Lightning Bolt Blazer With Hidden Secure Pocket

Blaze trails with this flashy outerwear, which includes a super-secure inner pocket for your phone so it doesn’t fly out and cause a hellstorm.

Leviss Jeans

Not Levi’s…Leviss jeans, as in a pair that Raquel left at my place. They’re yours for the right price.

Mustache Rides

Free with any purchase.

Sara K. Runnels

Sara K. Runnels is a copywriter and humor writer living in Seattle, Washington. Her work has appeared in The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Tinder messages, Gmail inboxes, group texts, Instagram captions, one Yelp review, several spec scripts her mom thinks are GREAT and hundreds of Twitter screenshots. Follow her all over the internet – @omgskr.