In February 2023, the start of Vanderpump Rules season 10 had fans focused on a series of mediocre plotlines: James Kennedy had a new girlfriend, Schwartz & Sandy’s still wasn’t open, and Ariana Madix and Katie Maloney’s sandwich shop, Something About Her, was a burgeoning B story.
Of course, that all changed with Scandoval. The affair became a national topic of conversation that brought VPR into the mainstream (and revenue to Ariana, my SoFi/Duracell/Canes/Uber One queen). So much so that Maloney-Madix Global Sandwich Conglomerates would have been remiss not to capitalize on the moment. In a genius move, Ariana and Katie released Something About Her merch that grossed over $200,000 before the restaurant even opened its doors.
At the end of May, pictures of the SAH storefront were shared with the public: a beacon of Robertson Boulevard, with Nancy Meyers-inspired serifs and stripes. Naturally, these photos prompted me to fantasize about what the SAH menu will/should look like. (Spoiler: Nobody’s got the time for a soggy greek salad sandwich).
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Something About Her Sandwich Menu:
A snatched 3 layers of homemade sourdough, stacked sizzlin’ salty bacon, ripe tomatoes, and sexy little gem lettuces, wrapped in the latest issue of Glamour magazine. All tied with a bright red ribbon, revealing just enough hot-not-humiliated revenge to keep us coming back for more.
Give Them Lunchmeats
A medley of self-proclaimed bomb-ass, bronzed lunch meats, cured and aged in alcohol-free barrel vinegars in an ice-cold litigious lettuce wrap. Have a complaint about the sandwich? SEND IT TO DARRELL.
Gouda As Gold
Pressed and flawlessly filtered Australian beef smothered in golden gouda, topped with an I-can’t-make-a-fistfull of micro-greens, sandwiched between two pieces of focca-scheana bread. Served at a legal minimum of 100 yards away.
The Torta Katie
Low-simmering prime-cut beef topped with fiery tri-colored peppers, raging sharp cheddar, and life-affirming fresh herbs, all served in a freshly baked torta satchel.
*pairs with a tequila tasting flight for an additional $30 charge and temporary surrender of cell phone.
The Sub-Human Sub
A light menu option that contains barely enough substance to qualify as a snack. This waking culinary nightmare consists of unseasoned chicken tartar, a confounding sea foam tapenade, and wilted lettuce, between the two end pieces of a loaf of white bread.
Two little pieces of limp-dick Wonder Bread, trying to hold together a mess of meat and a word salad. All grilled to imperfection, served with an optional side of 30 Coors Lights and half shots, between the two worst make-out sessions of your life.
The World’s Jerkiest Jerk Chicken Sando-wich
Made with spineless jerk chicken, greasy aged cheddar, and the most extras, this decade-long abomination is served with absolutely no care on a toxically masculine brioche bun, sprinkled with sesame seeds and a hard-boiled egg. Because he smells.
Limited Time Only: Idiot Sandwich Special
Get the Sloppy
Joe Tom and The World’s Jerkiest Jerk Chicken Sando-wich for the price of one before the Toms’ inevitable breakup.
It IS About The Pasta Salad
Chilled bowtie pasta combined with goat cheese balls, a British accent, diced tomatoes, onions, and peppers.
Ken Todd’s Pickle
Seasonal menu item, only enjoyed on August 24th or when needed to move the story along. Brined in fresh dill from Villa Rosa.
A Bag of SunChips
Served best in a trailer during high-stress situations.
Hero photo courtesy of Getty Images.