It’s finally the day of Kim’s Dolce & Gabbana fashion show, and at this point even I, Kim Kardashian’s biggest fan, am tired of writing about it. This has been pretty much the only plot point of the show for the entire front half of the season, and with Kourtney’s signature rage on the horizon, it shows no sign of stopping even now that the final diamond cross necklace has exited the runway stage left.
Meanwhile, back in Calabasas, Kourtney is eating vegan pizza and getting frisky with Trav, AKA same shit, different day. And if you were expecting some more filler footage of Kendall and Kylie doing an incredibly boring bonding activity, like bowling or a basket-weaving class, you thought wrong! The Jenners were evidently too busy binging Dahmer, or whatever show was big in September of 2022, to bring themselves to film that week.
We’re hurtling towards a Sister Civil War not even the most skilled diplomat could reconcile, so before Kourtney launches a tofu torpedo, let’s get into the power rankings.
(🥗🥗🥗) Having the sheer, uninhibited confidence to say “hey, baby” when she encountered a hot guy in the hotel elevator. If I did that, the dude would look down at his phone and pretend that a 30% discount offering to the GAP was the most important email he’d ever received.
(🥗🥗) Leaning in to making strangers uncomfortable with the details of her lowkey unhinged life story. “Why’d you get a divorce?” “Found him in a brothel.” If you’ve got it, flaunt it.
() Readily believing that the “flirty note” taped to her hotel room door was from Hot Elevator Guy, despite it clearly being written in the distinctive scrawl that only a 9-year-old can produce. Kim was supposed to “text you a heads up”? Girl, you were supposed to have your GED!
(🥗🥗) Providing pertinent analysis of the size of her family’s metaphorical members. I know she meant Kourtney having a “nice-sized” dick as sort of a dig, especially compared to Kris’s massive “schlong,” but sometimes medium takes the cake.
TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗 (7) salads and (3) Jonathan Chebans
(🥗🥗🥗) Playing the Kourtney versus Kim conversation so diplomatically. It’s dicey since Kourtney is her client, so she has to appear to take her side, but she also knows the rest of the family will view this tape, which means she can’t come down too hard. Asking, “are you going to talk to Kim? Are you going to talk to the Dolce team?” is the perfect tactic because it insinuates that you believe a conversation is merited, while keeping your own opinions out of the narrative. The other Dani stylist can take notes.
TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗 (3) salads
(🥗🥗) Getting the brainstorm phone call, and actually bringing some solid insights to the table. When Kim K calls you to gossipize (my new word for gossip meets strategize), the pressure is on to deliver, and Simon did!
TOTAL: 🥗🥗 (2) salads
(🥗🥗🥗🥗) Getting rave reviews from the Dolce team and the media for the Milan show. And with that, we can finally stop talking about this aspect of the Dolce saga.
(🥗🥗) Committing to a completely impractical outfit, in classic Kim fashion. When it takes three people to help you sit down at the dinner table, you know it’s a slay.
() Wearing that same straight jacket gown to a club? Unless this was part of her master plan to not have to dance, since neither she nor we want a repeat of the Addison Rae twerking class debacle.
() Saying Kourtney “doesn’t have any friends” after hearing the claim that “all of her friends” were agreeing Kim’s Dolce collab was “weird.” This was the jaw drop moment of the ep for me — uhm, so casually cruel in the name of being honest??!!
TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗 (6) salads and (5) Jonathan Chebans
(🥗🥗🥗) Travis and Kourtney acting like a Crossroads location in Calabasas is the greatest innovation since the iPhone. Kourtney’s all, “There’s no other restaurants in existence in Calabasas!” and Travis is like, “Kids, how crazy is it that we’re sitting in a pizza shop right now??” Obvi Travis has equity or whatever so it’s kind of a shameless plug, but their little charade still probably garnered some serious brand awareness.
() Serving matcha margaritas. I’m sure they were just trying to prevent Kourtney from having a meltdown and chugging a bottle of Lemme Calms, but that’s like something you would have to politely take a sip of and then spit into a plant.
TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗 (3) salads and (2) Jonathan Chebans
() Going in for a high five with Khloé, the biggest friend zone move you could ever pull. You’re in Milan for Christ’s sake, if there was ever a time for the double cheek kiss, it’s now!
(🥗🥗) Asking for consent to put his hand on Khloé’s waist during their photo opp. Good PR for consent!!
(🥗🥗🥗) Posting said photo opp to his Insta story, thereby circulating dating rumors in every celeb publication that would never cover him otherwise without that Klouty Kardash Association. Netflix is like, let’s get drafts of another ‘365 Days’ sequel, stat! Someone get me Sam Levinson’s avails!
TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗 (5) salads and (3) Jonathan Chebans
() Actually wanting to wear that god awful bedazzled hat to the Dolce party. What is she, a vaudeville train conductor? This is why she wasn’t invited back to the Met Gala.
() Admitting she was scared to ask Kim for fashion counsel. Where’s that BDE when it comes to wearing atrocious hats, hmmm?
(🥗🥗) Putting Khloe in her place with “in those days, you didn’t just whip your boob out and start feeding somebody at a restaurant.” Sometimes we need to be reminded of the plights of our forefathers!
TOTAL: 🥗🥗 (2) salads and (5) Jonathan Chebans
() Telling his jeweler he’ll have someone fly to Europe to pick up his anniversary necklace for Kourtney if it won’t arrive in LA in time. Fossil fuels are why your grandchildren are going to grow up wearing hazmat suits living in underground bunkers.
TOTAL: (3) Jonathan Chebans
(🥗) Getting featured in a Kardashians episode is the most relevance she’s had in ten years. Congrats, betch.
() Unfortunately, this feature lasted for about half a millisecond. They gave a whole eleven minutes to James Corden, which just goes to show how little her star power is valued.
TOTAL: 🥗 (1) salad and (5) Jonathan Chebans
() Saucily replying to a producer, “this is my family” when asked why no one from the Kardashian family joined her and Travis at the Crossroads opening. Girl, sorry that everyone was in LITERAL MILAN for Kim’s major fashion milestone instead of at your husband’s dinky pizza joint. Get a grip.
() Being too salty to watch the Dolce show. I kinda get it, it’s the same sanity protector as muting your ex’s Instagram stories. But announcing it smugly is more reminiscent of when Victoria Justice was like, “Omg, unfortunately I had to leave Coachella early and couldn’t stay for day three” when Ariana Grande was headlining. An embarrassing hater move!
(🥗🥗) Attempting to come in with some receipts to bolster her case against Kim with the copied butterfly dress. We’ll formally submit this into evidence and let a jury of her peers decide.
() Wearing that black, heavy, full sleeves full full pants outfit to the beach in Santa Barbara and then jumping into the water fully clothed. You know on old seasons of Project Runway when Michael Kors would condescendingly query, “but where is she going?” when a design didn’t make sense? That’s Kourtney celebrating her beachside anniversary wearing the Hot Topic lost and found.
TOTAL: 🥗🥗 (2) salads and (8) Jonathan Chebans
The Todd Kraines Tomfoolery Award: North coming in guns blazing with the brilliant prank idea that totally shouldn’t have worked but did. Kendall and Kylie need to watch out — if they keep bailing on their filming duties then pretty soon their 9-year-old niece will be coming to collect their checks.
Unbothered Child Award: Reign being completely unfazed when Kourtney tells him his teacher is saying he eats crayons at school. He’s taking a page out of his mom’s book and won’t let the rumors and the lies affect his zen.
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All images courtesy of Hulu.