This week on The Kardashians, it’s Kim’s world and we’re all just living in it.
97% of the episode is devoted to Kimberly mulling over black crosses and silver shoes in the Dolce & Gabbana office ahead of the big Milan show, like they were filming The September Issue 2 or something. It was truly so repetitive that I’m genuinely curious if production lost all their Khloé footage in some freak accident, or if Scott was out of town that month and they couldn’t afford anybody else as a day player.
The 3% of the ep that isn’t Kim in full Anna Wintour mode is other people talking about Kim’s Dolce debut, specifically pertaining to her simmering feud with Kourtney, who feels Kim chose “dollar signs” over family loyalty by “legit copying” her sponcon wedding.
The dramz is officially heating up, and we’re here to break it down.
(🥗🥗) Joking that she’ll buy a horse before she even takes her first riding lesson. That’s billionaire behavior with a capital B.
(🥗) “I forgot what these saddles do to your ass bones.” Nothing like a good old English saddle to make you regret having your BBL taken out.
(🥗🥗) Hosting that bizarre, sci-fi EMF workout so at least we had something semi-interesting to look at during a Kendall/Kylie scene. Driving stick and horseback riding are probably some of the most boring activities another person can observe, like when your boyfriend wants you to watch him play FIFA instead of planning an actual date.
TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗 (5) salads
(🥗🥗🥗) Impressing the Dolce team at Kourt’s wedding by strategically showing up and showing out in her personal collection of D&G deep cuts. It’s like the equivalent of getting to the office at 8:15 when you know your boss will be in at 8:30 so she thinks you’ve been grinding away for hours and later pulls you aside to be like, “Heather, I love your dedication but you need to make sure you’re taking care of you. Take a comp day tomorrow.”
(🥗🥗🥗🥗) Gaining the confidence to make fashion calls without her stylist, Danielle. When Danielle sheepishly showed up to the office a day and a half late after forgetting her passport, I half expected Kim to send her back to the plane.
() Unironically watching and loving The Next 365 Days Netflix movie, which was probably the most universally panned piece of media in 2022. She might have great taste when it comes to pants that are also boots, but her Letterboxd would deffo be a disaster.
() Sharing as part of her “MAN-ifestation list” (genius terminology) that teeth are one of her biggest turn-ons, and that “the straighter [the teeth], the hornier I’ll get.” Her porn search history is probably like, “naughty girl gets the drill at dentist’s office,” LOL.
(🥗) Cheersing to herself during drinks with the Dolce team (I’ve never seen someone actually use their own name in a cheers, but it’s absolutely a Kim move), and then sarcastically cheersing to Kourtney after she finds out that she’s pissed about the collab. It’s so petty that Tom himself is smiling from his grave.
TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗 (8) salads and (4) Jonathan Chebans
(🥗🥗🥗🥗) Going from starring in the worst movie of the year to getting name-dropped six times in a Kardashians episode. Plus, the fam is trying to set him up with Khloé, so if he plays his cards right she could take a page out of the Bezos Book and personally finance his indie passion project that will prove to everyone he’s a Serious Actor™. It’s all about the long game.
TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗🥗 (4) salads
(🥗🥗🥗) Actually making some valid points: Kim was being bad vibes at her wedding, is using the same 90s inspo for her collection, is releasing it only four months later, and never formally asked for her blessing. I can genuinely see why she feels hurt, but the betch would not last a day in the Succession cinematic universe.
() Implying that Kim only wanted to do the Dolce deal because it would pay a lot of money. Sure, we all love money, but it’s obviously way more about legacy, and Kim cementing her place in the world of high fashion — if she needed fast cash she could just do a Candy Crush ad like Khloé does any time she wants to get a new face.
(🥗🥗) Refusing to post about Kim’s promotional t-shirts on her IG. It “doesn’t feel authentic” and she has Travis feet pics scheduled for that day anyway.
TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗 (5) salads and (2) Jonathan Chebans
REDHEAD ICE CREAM GIRLS
(🥗🥗🥗) Getting randomly featured in the opening of a Kardashians episode looking effortlessly adorable with their sorbet cones? Huge. I don’t know who these girls are, but they’re giving Italian Serena Van Der Woodsen and I hope they caught Kim’s eye for the next SKIMS campaign.
TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗 (3) salads
() Hearing that Kim thinks she “lost her mojo.” Honestly, kind of a devastating insult if you think about it. Kim might as well have said, “you’re a sexless swamp creature with no charisma who looks tired all the time.”
(🥗) Informing Kris’s makeup artist that she’s hooking up with Corey later if he wants to take that into account below the collarbone. Looking out for your mom’s sex life definitely earns a favorite daughter daughter point or two.
() Seeing Kim in her leopard fit and screaming “you better talk to me dirty.” Seriously, why is this family so kinky with each other?!
(🥗🥗🥗) Committing to taking Kim’s side, saying Kourtney’s “not rational.” It might be #WayHarshTai, but Khloé knows which side will be victorious and has aligned herself accordingly.
TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗🥗 (4) salads and (3) Jonathan Chebans
() “I gravitate towards everything horse.” I guess we have to give her props for totally shirking the fact that “horse girl” is a derogatory term that denotes major losers who had to take their cousin to prom, but is being so flagrant about her affliction on national television really doing her any favors?
() Playing the middle in the Kourtney vs. Kim feud with the classic “I see both sides” line. As we know from Survivor, this approach might get you through the next tribal council, but it’s never a winning strategy.
() Saying she feels like she and Kylie “can be equals” in adulthood even though Kylie is a whopping two years younger than she is. Duh, Kendall! Kylie is a mom of two and you play with your horsies all day, if anything you’re the “baby sister.”
TOTAL: (7) Jonathan Chebans
() Being that embarrassing white lady who tries to use other languages and accents during international travel in the cringiest way possible. You know that if you take her to Chipotle she’s saying “gracias” to the cashier.
() Needing Khloé to provide Emotional Intelligence IT Support so that she could send a simple text of empathy and compassion to her own daughter. My eye is gonna deploy laser focus on the caption of Kourtney’s birthday post to Kris this fall.
TOTAL: (8) Jonathan Chebans
() Getting an all-around awful edit this week — they specifically chose to leave in the clip of Dani getting shut down about the width of the straps on Kim’s dress as a PUNISHMENT for her egregious passport debacle.
() Calling Kim’s show dress that she was clearly so amped about “a little predictable.” My jaw actually dropped. As you may know from my frequent Simon Huck comments, normally I disparage corporate sycophancy, but when you’re on probation you might want to take it easy!
() Domenico Dolce saying Kim “doesn’t need a stylist” because she’s a stylist all by herself. This was just the nail in the coffin, the cherry of death on top of this shitshow sundae.
TOTAL: (16) Jonathan Chebans
Get Your Fucking Ass Up and Work Award: Naturally, this one goes to Kimberly. It looks like she literally lived in that Dolce & Gabbana war room for 72 hours. She probably left so many texts from Fred on read. Hope he’s doing okay.
Just Living Life Participation Medal: Kylie! She somehow made it to the top of the rankings by merely being generally unproblematic, and since the bar is on the floor for her terms of filming, just showing up for more than one scene makes it seem like she’s giving us a child birthian effort.
You can watch The Kardashians every Thursday at 12 am ET on Hulu and join us here afterwards for our weekly recaps.
All images courtesy of Hulu.