Well, fam, we’ve made it to week three of Hannah’s season of The Bachelorette, which feels like a small miracle given that today is also Memorial Day. I don’t know about y’all, but my state of mind rn is nowhere near ready to handle the energy that is Hannah Beast. I just spent the last 72 hours living in a bikini and hanging out with people whose idea of a good time involves chugging beer out of a plastic mallard duck that they’ve fashioned into a makeshift beer bong (because patriotism, America, YEEHAW), and am not at all ready to crawl out of the dark, dark hole that is my hangover. I’m not sure what’s been worse: having to ride in the middle seat the whole plane ride back sandwiched between a girl who didn’t understand how to use headphones and played Candy Crush AT FULL VOLUME the entire trip and a man who committed the capital punishment offense of taking off his shoes on the goddamn airplane whilst trying not to dry heave into my crumpled Bojangles bag, or having to listen to Cam rap this evening. I guess we’ll find out.
Chris Harrison starts things off this week by bringing up how drunk Hannah was at last week’s rose ceremony. CHRIS. You can’t just throw her under the bus like that! I know he’s phoning it these days with all seven minutes of screen time he’s negotiated out of this season, but my god, he’s not even trying to hide his disgust at this point.
CHRIS: We all got to see a, ah, different side of Hannah, didn’t we?
Lmao these men are looking at him like “how could we f*cking forget.” Look, guys, it was rough for us to watch as well, but you know what? Marriage is all about having and holding through thick and thin, and right now the thick is your girl snotting into her champagne glass mid-cocktail party. This is a true testament of your love right here, boys!
The First Group Date:
Hannah and the men show up for the first group date and find Jason Biggs acting out a labor and delivery scene right before their horrified eyes. Wait. Is that Cassie’s sister panting over there? Oh no, just a blonde with a similar haircut. For a second I thought ABC was throwing her a bone and giving her an actual acting gig. It’s the least they could do for Cassie and her family after taking one for the team with Colton last spring.
For this date, Hannah wants a group of men who most certainly blow dried their hair that morning to sympathize with the trials and tribulations of being a woman by simulating pregnancy. This should be good.
To start things off, Hannah quizzes the men on basic female anatomy, and the results don’t bode well for the Fantasy Suite. One guy thought the gestation period for a woman was two weeks long, and I’ll bet if asked he’d also say that a woman has never faked it with him either. Godspeed with this one, Hans!
Hannah starts putting clothespins on the guys nipples and it’s, like, I’m sorry, but did this just turn into an S&M date?? She’s getting far too much enjoyment out of giving a bunch of men purple nurples.
Now that Hannah’s done torturing the men with clothespins she wants them to go through labor pains. Lol. Way to set the mood, Hannah. What’s next, re-enacting the pull and pray? Having the guys pee on a stick and let the pure panic and anxiety set in when it’s been more than six weeks since conception? I’m sure they’ll all want to make out you after this though!
The men are not taking fake labor well. Jed looks like he actually might sh*t himself from the pain. Meanwhile Tyler C, the man who referred to the intricacies of the female anatomy as “down there,” looks like he thinks this is a cover shoot. God, I can’t wait for her to shock his ass.
The public school sex ed program in Alabama at work, people!
Then there’s JPJ, who’s acting a little bit too surprised by the fake labor pains here. Why do I feel like he has one of these machines at home that he likes to whip out when it comes time for foreplay?
Moving on to the cocktail portion of the evening. Guys, I think Mike has an excellent chance of being the next Bachelor. I don’t really think Hannah will pick him, but he’s checking off all the Bachelor boxes here: attractiveness, smarts, and a heartbreaking sob story that will melt the panties off of every woman in America. Mark my words, kids, a star has been born.
CAM: I’ll be waiting at any time outside that door.
NOW IS NOT THAT TIME CAM. Okay, this guy is a stone cold psycho, I can’t. He’s like “I just have something really important to share with her.” Meanwhile, Mike is in the middle of sharing his literal darkest moment. Finding a new word to rhyme with “bachelorette” for your rap does not count as something “really important” to share, Cam!
Hannah tells him that some conversations just need to take longer and Cam goes “Oh, I totally get it. I’m a deep person too. I just quit my job!” That doesn’t make you deep, Cammie, that just makes you my type: unemployed. Also, didn’t they all kind of need to quit their jobs to be there? My boss barely wants to welcome me back to work after a long weekend away from the office, let alone after six weeks of humiliating myself on national television for America’s viewing pleasure.
I’m loving that Jonathan took one for the team and physically bounced Cam out of the room as if he’s me at the boats & hoes mixer sophomore year, but that was a little scary. I feel like he should have just let Cam dig his own grave, but to each their own.
JONATHAN: What goes around comes around, bro.
THAT STARE OH MY GOD. Cam is looking at Jonathan like he’s picturing all the ways he can wear his skin as a suit and it’s so alarming.
Mike snags the group date rose, proving once again that if your backstory is juicy and sad enough, you’ll always win a rose that week. Bravo.
Connor’s One-On-One Date:
Connor gets the one-on-one date this week, which is shocking to me because I thought he went home last week? I, mean, I’m not going to check the internet or even my notes from last episode because, like, I don’t care? But it’s still odd to see him here, especially since he barely looks old enough to stay home alone while his parents go to the PTA meeting.
Lol. I love that Chris Harrison can’t even be bothered to show up and inform Connor his date isn’t happening. He just sends the intern that week in between making him pick up his laundry and a matcha tea.
Aww, this is kind of cute though. Apparently, Hannah is
hungover sick, so they won’t be having a real date. Instead she just wants to hang out with him in her hotel room. Literally I have so much respect for this. If I could initiate some sort of Netflix and chill date without having to pretend to be into blowjobs, I would. Sitting in a dark room without speaking to the other person for hours on end? That is the dream, people.
Perhaps Hannah should have lead with the fact that she’s not contagious because when she goes in to kiss Connor, he practically recoils in horror. Hannah explains that she just felt faint and she went to the hospital to get more fluids. Again, her “sick” feels a lot like my hangover, but whatever you need to call it for MeeMaw watching back home!
Okay, Connor is such a cutie. After Hannah tells him to gtfo because she needs a nap (again, RESPECT), he leaves her little love sticky notes around her hotel suite. The only love note I’ve ever gotten in my entire goddamn life was from an ex-boyfriend who wrote “we need milk” and I still have it and look at it from time to time to remember what romance feels like, so you know I’m swooning.
HOW PRETTY YOU LOOK WITHOUT MAKEUP. Okay, which producer told him to write that gold line? Because I saw how squeamish he looked when he first walked into her room and found her without a stitch of makeup on and wearing sweatpants from high school. Also, “I love the sparkle in your eye”? That is such a thing you say when you literally know nothing else about the person you’re talking to. Like, what does it even mean??
I guess the ibuprofen finally started kicking in, because all of a sudden Hannah feels well enough for drinks and dancing. She picks Connor up from the mansion and Luke looks like he might smuggle himself on the date via the trunk of that limo.
Okay, where do they always find these washed up street dogs to sing at the end of all these group dates? Like, are they a part of Jed’s garage band? Do we think singing on the Bachelorette is a better or worse fate for your music career than being a wedding singer? Both seem pretty bleak to me tbh.
Connor gets the rose, but thankfully not the flu. Can you imagine? His mom never would let him stay out after 10pm again!
The Second Group Date:
For today’s date the men will be modeling with other women, and that’s certainly not a test at all. I guess Luke will have both Jesus AND Hannah watching him today. Yikes.
Okay, I didn’t know Demi was now a permanent full-time employee of Mike Fleiss? I mean, at this point she’s gotten more screen time than Chris Harrison this season. Let’s hope ABC provides good dental! She’ll need it for the upkeep on those veneers. I will say I’m glad they decided to cut the deadweight that was Katie’s presence from this episode. She contributed nothing but bewildered looks, and I get enough of those from my dog on the couch.
Hannah’s like “I want Demi here because she has good insight.” If by “insight” you mean thousands of dollars worth of spy equipment tracking every waking move of these guys, then, yes, she has GREAT insight, but I believe the law would call this situation entrapment.
I feel like Luke is going to ask the makeup artist to touch up his eyebrows. Anyone else?
He tries to grab Hannah after the photoshoot so he can talk to her while simultaneously rubbing their connection in the other guys’ faces. It’s like when I was seeing this guy a while back and my dog peed in his bed the first time she stayed the night at his place. Gotta show them who’s in charge!
I feel like Hannah was really into Luke when she was drunk, and now that she’s sobered up a bit, she’s repulsed. The drunk goggles are off now. May the odds be ever in your favor, Lukie!
HANNAH: Sometimes I’m so attracted to him and then other times I can barely stand to breathe the same air as him, you know?
Brb. Let me just go update my last will and testament to have that written on my headstone.
While I’m glad Hannah is standing up for herself here, I’m not sure why she thinks his behavior is just going to magically change? This is called toxic masculinity and it’s a life-long battle, honey. Prepare yourself now.
Seconds after Hannah finishes talking with Luke, he continues to stalk her every move and intercept every conversation she has. So, the conversation went well! I love that she was like “I hate this thing about you,” so he doubled down on the thing she hates about him. Luke, is this what Jesus really told you to do in that shower?
HANNAH: Look, I call the shots here.
YESSS GIRL. Put him in his goddamn place!
Luke, after being chastised AGAIN, handles the rejection about as well as an internet troll who’s just been denied in a DM. Luke declares that he’s not really sure he likes Hannah, he never has, and would be cool with going home. It’s the equivalent of him saying “you’re fat and I would never want to go out with you anyways.” Booooo. Go back to living under a bridge, Luke, and try your riddles out on someone who cares!
On a lighter note, I’ve very into Peter The Pilot. I’m slightly distraught that the pilots I’ve recently encountered were less hot and single and more like the type who would point out random landmarks over the intercom while you’re trying to sleep (looking at you @AmericanAirlines).
PETER: That was the smoothest take off I’ve ever had
ME AND EVERY OTHER WOMAN IN AMERICA RN: I’ll let you take off whatever you want on me.
Peter gets the group date rose, and possibly a DM from me
the next time I’m drunk if he plays his cards right. Call me!
The Rose Ceremony:
Before the cocktail party can commence, Chris Harrison shows up to drop some last-minute news on the guys. I love that the men are shocked to see Chris actually doing his f*cking job. They’re like “Chris! I totally forgot you go here! It’s wild!” I guess Demi had a conflicting meeting or something that day.
Chris lets the men know that there will be no cocktail party tonight, just a tailgate. Jesus. That is the most yeehaw sh*t I’ve heard in a while, and I bonged a spiked seltzer out of a plastic duck’s mouth yesterday. Hannah’s like “I just went to the hospital so I need a chill day. Let’s bring out the keg and the bales of hay!”
After Chris leaves, Cam gives a very strange speech about how he needs to talk to Hannah privately at the beginning of the cocktail party because he has some huge secret he has to tell her. But like, what could this so-called secret possibly be? That he’s not actually a successful rapper? I’m shocked. He has a restraining order against him? I’m absolutely aghast. He’s really the zodiac killer? That one might have some merit to it. Can we get the FBI in on this one? Or at the very least Demi and that sleuthing kit she bought off Amazon Prime?
Okay, LOL, what is this story coming out of his mouth rn? Did he just google “sad endings to books” and cobble them all together into one long, convoluted story? There’s something about a 10-month-old puppy and a peg leg? Am I hearing this right? What happened with the amputation?! Is his leg fake?? I NEED ANSWERS.
Mike, a man who also used his own sob story to get a rose, tells Hannah that he thought Cam was using his “sad” story to get a rose. Mike, honey, that’s how this show works. We all know you’re just tattling in case Cam’s story is sadder than yours.
Hannah confronts Cam about the legitimacy of his peg leg story, which feels like it could easily be cleared up by looking at the two whole legs currently poking out of the basketball shorts he’s wearing. Hannah is pretty hung up over that “pity rose” comment, but in Cam’s defense, he didn’t actually use those words at all. I think he’s a moron, but he really is getting gaslighted here. The evidence would not hold up in a court of law is all I’m saying!
As the cocktail party/tailgate wraps up, they all head inside to get changed before the actual rose ceremony. Oh, so she’s not going to hand out roses over those bales of hay? I thought you said you just wanted a chill night, Hannah?
HANNAH: If I give you a rose tonight it won’t be a pity rose.
ME TO MY DOG ALONE IN MY LIVING ROOM:
SHOTS FIRED, PEOPLE. That was savage. Hannah Beast is out tonight, y’all.
Tbh I’m not even sure why we’re having a rose ceremony here. I think we all know who’s going home tonight. Two randoms and Cam. I’d bet the advil bottle I’m currently clutching in my hand rn.
Final rose cut: Jonathan, Joey, and Cam get sent home. Well, while I hate to see you go Cammie boy, I can’t wait to see ya in Paradise, waving that fake leg of yours as your BiP intro!
And that’s a wrap from me, kids! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to go crawl back into my dark hangover hole and treat this hangover with the respect it truly deserves.
Images: Giphy (6); @bacheloretteabc (1); @bachelorish /Instagram (1); ABC (2)