Welcome back, people, to another week of this self-imposed cruel and unusual punishment I call watching The Bachelorette. Some people are into extreme dieting, I’m into watching people try and make “Roll Tide” happen. We all have our things! When last we left off, we had just started this journey to
hell Hannah B’s happily ever after. Our favorite Professional Runner-Up quickly discovered that just because a man is contractually obligated to be into you for 6-8 weeks doesn’t mean he still won’t be texting bitches. Hannah, honey, repeat after me: MEN AIN’T SH*T. I will say that, for a girl who couldn’t string together a coherent sentence eight weeks ago, she handled herself incredibly well. She was funny, she was relatable, she humiliated a grown man on national television. If it were up to me the season would end right there, but alas, it’s not up to me. Despite what I whisper to myself on my couch ever Monday night, I’m not the showrunner, just someone stuck under his mind control for the next 10 weeks. So, on that note, let’s dive right into this week’s episode, shall we?
Hannah starts things off by declaring that her goal for this week is to have “a real conversation” with someone. Oh honey, baby, sweetie, no. I’m not sure if she realizes, but this is The Bachelorette, where everything, including how many disgusted looks Chris Harrison is allowed to give, is manipulated by the HBIC Mike Fleiss.
Speaking of Chris, he shows up to the Bachelor mansion to deliver the first group date card. After taking a quick scan of the men in their casual wear, it’s already apparent to me that Hannah’s chances at having “a real conversation” are not great. We’ve got future serial killer John Paul Jones, who’s dressed like an extra on the set of 21 Jump Street. Then there’s Luke, who’s practically blinding me with that gaudy-ass cross dangling on his shaved chest. Honestly, good luck making an intimate connection with these creatures, Hannah. You’re going to need it, girlfriend.
The First Group Date
Moving on. For the date, the men have to compete in a Mr. Right pageant because Hannah wants them to be introduced to “her world.” Lol so is Caelynn about to pop out and win the whole pageant at the last minute? Just wondering how far she’s taking this whole “my world” thing…
Wait, holy sh*t. The judges are drag queens?? On a scale of one to “I’m calling mother” how comfortable do we think Luke is with all these gender fluid people around? You can practically see his pocket bible spontaneously combusting in his pocket.
Also, is one of the judges Miss J from America’s Next Top Model? Queen, did Tyra finally let you out of your contract? Or are you out on loan?
The pageant starts off with a swimsuit competition, which is less a competition and more just soft-core porn, but fine. The first few men at least attempted to respect the process and then JPJ got up their and slapped his ass and it went downhill from there.
Lol, wait there’s a talent portion to this sh*t show too? Oh god, this should be good. Judging by the blank stares in this room, I have a feeling some of these guys weren’t expecting The Bachelorette to demand a personality from them too. It’s so hard being really, really ridiculously good looking, I know.
Okay Jed’s got a great voice but, why is he dressed like he just rang my doorbell and is about to tell me about the Mormon church?
Luke looks pissed like someone just told him CrossFit doesn’t count as a talent. It’s like he was relying on his good looks or something to carry him throughout the competition?
When it’s Luke’s turn on stage he says that his talent is falling in love with Hannah, which low-key feels like an insult, no? Like, dude, she has like 20+ other guys competing for her attention, you don’t need to make it sound like you’re taking one for the team here.
Luke completes his talent by STICKING HIS TONGUE DOWN HANNAH’S THROAT. I’m sorry, but WHAT. Swallowing a person’s face whole doesn’t count as a talent either, Lukie! What would Jesus say?? You should hop in the shower as soon as you get home to find out.
In a shocking turn of events, Luke is crowned Mr. Right. Okay, I think I’m going to need to see the score cards here. He didn’t even have a talent, for god’s sake! Talking out of your ass and having
a steroid problem scarily large thighs does not a winner make.
I’m not the only one who looks outraged because the cocktail party afterward feels about as tense as my sorority chapter meetings on which T-shirt design we should go with for formal.
LUKE: It’s been 48 hours, but I can’t hide it. I’m falling in love with you.
ME: I. AM. CALLING. THE. POLICE.
Hannah, sweetie, you need to run, not walk, to the exit it because that is a red f*cking flag. Saying “I love you” on a second date is something that a man built a shrine built of you in his closet would say. You need to cut Mr. Thunder Thighs loose ASAP.
To her credit, Hannah does look a little put off by his proclamation but not enough to not suck face with him for the next 10 minutes.
ME IN MY LIVING ROOM RN:
Hannah wraps up the group date by telling all the men that they each brought something different to the competition. And by “different” she’s certainly referencing the size of their packages in those speedos. Subtle, Hans. Real subtle.
Hannah gives Jed the group date rose because I guess she has a soft spot for runner-ups. Luke is so mad he looks like he’s going to go to a dive bar, get really drunk, and then punch the dude standing next to him for “hitting on him.” Watch out, Jed. I’d sleep with one eye open tonight!
The One-On-One Date
One of the Tylers (don’t ask me which one) gets chosen for the first one-on-one date. I don’t actually remember this guy from the first night, but he’s cute enough, so I guess I approve. Meanwhile, Hannah shows up dressed for their date like she just hit up an Old Navy clearance rack from 1995. Jesus.
So they’re going mudding for their first date? Or is it four wheeling? I’m sorry I don’t know the right terminology I’m civilized not one for outdoor activities. Someone who engages in such practices, please let me know in the comments. Thx! Also, do we think she wore this all white ensemble just so she could cheekily say to the camera “I’m a dirty girl”?
You’re so clever, Hannah!
Is it just me or is this date a little bit of a snoozefest? Tyler is giving me some serious Jared “I’m A Former Chili’s Manager” Haibon vibes rn and it’s a no from me, dawg.
HANNAH: I am a strong woman.
TYLER: I know, you drove a car and everything!
Tyler gets the rose despite the fact that I cannot recall one single thing about their date or conversation other than that he was visibly shook to find out a woman could drive a vehicle better than him. Yeesh.
The Second Group Date
Group date #2 is going to involve some sort of athletic theme, and I know this because Hannah showed up dressed in leather hot pants. It’s like she heard “sporty but make it
fashion slutty” and just ran with it. Never mind that when I work out I look like something a fisherman just dragged out of his net but, sure, let’s pretend women actually work out in something like this.
For the date, the men must compete in a roller derby tournament, though I must say the atmosphere in the room feels more akin to my fourth grade birthday party at Sk8 Haven than an actual competition. Hannah is like, “today is all about who exudes the most joy”, and judging by the way these men can’t stop staring at her ass I have a feeling it won’t take long to see the joy tenting in their pants.
Okay, I have to ask, what’s the point of roller derby? Like what am I watching rn? While I appreciate this sequence of falls (the producers are truly at their best when they’re trolling the contestants) I can’t determine any sort of winner. They all look like losers to me.
Cut to the evening portion of the date. Are both teams that competed in the roller derby at the cocktail party? Did they even declare a winner? Were there any stakes at all??
Just as I’m thinking this group date cannot get any more boring, Mr. Bold himself, Cam, strolls into the group date. Cam’s like, “AIR QUOTES I wasn’t invited but AIR QUOTES IDGAF.” Using air quotes to defend being someplace you weren’t actually invited to is something someone says to the police as they’re being arrested for crashing their ex’s wedding. Or so I’m told.
Sidenote: is it just me or does Tyler C seem like he’s reading from cue cards in those interviews? Like, is there any brain activity going on up there?
CAM: Some people are saying I wasn’t “invited” on this group date but I think Hannah will appreciate my boldness.
First of all, Cammie, I’m going to cut you the next time you use air quotes like that. Second of all, Hannah said be bold, not be a sociopath!
I love that the men are drawing the line at Cam messing with their time with Hannah, and yet seemed to be fine with his LinkedIn bio including the title “rap guy.” Obviously, their priorities are not in line.
The Rose Ceremony
And finally we arrive at this week’s rose ceremony. Hannah starts off the cocktail portion of the evening by giving a tearful speech. And by “tearful speech” I mean practically snotting into her champagne glass. She’s like “I’m just crying because I’m so grateful y’all are here.” Funny. That’s the same same speech I give my dog after 3-6 glasses of wine.
HANNAH: I want them to know what they’re getting. And that is a basket case.
Cam is back on his bullsh*t and breaks up Kevin’s time with Hannah in the most psychotic way.
CAM: I have something planned for all three of us.
I HAVE SOMETHING PLANNED FOR ALL THREE OF US. Yeah, first he kills Kevin, then he kidnaps Hannah. I can see the plan already forming in his crazy eyes. Demi, where are you and your vigilante van of justice when your friend really needs you?!
Guys, am I really watching one grown man throw chicken nuggets at another grown man and then in the same breath defend his maturity about being ready for marriage. AM I??
Luke pulls Hannah away from the grown men fighting over a happy meal and immediately things start getting out of hand. She offers to give him a “massage” which feels like a thinly veiled excuse to have him take his clothes off again.
Okay, WOAH. This escalated so fast. They’re practically dry-humping on that chaise lounge and HANNAH MY GOD WHAT WOULD MEMAW SAY. I feel like Hannah is so obviously drunk tonight. So far she’s drunk cried, eaten chicken nuggets, and now she’s hooking up with a guy whose idea of foreplay is looking at himself in the mirror. She’s me last Saturday night. Smdh.
Jed, our little earth angel, walks in on the two of them just as Luke’s about to ask if he can put just the tip in. This is so awkward I’m dying. I can’t.
Hannah looks about as mortified as I feel and I am actively trying to fade into my couch. She’s like “oh f*ck, what do I do?” Meanwhile, Luke is looking at her like he wants her to finish that over-the-pants handie real quick.
You guys, Jed is too pure for this earth. He’s being so sweet and playing it off like he didn’t just watch the girl he’s into straddle Mr. Jesus In The Shower.
JED: Should I have just walked in with my pants off?
SHOULD I HAVE WALKED IN WITH MY PANTS OFF. I love that he can joke about group sex at a time like this. He’s a keeper.
Moving on to the rose ceremony. Y’all, Hannah is looking ROUGH tonight. She looks like she just drunk ate pizza behind one of those columns and now she’s three seconds away from blasting “Wrecking Ball” and passing out in her bed. Or am I the only one who ends a night out like that?
Final rose count: Conor J, Darren, and Matthew get sent home, which makes sense because I literally just had to google “who got sent home this week” even though I’m watching it happen right in front of my eyes.
After the rose ceremony the men start filing out to go wherever it is they go when the camera crew is done with them. I assume at least a few of them need to be plugged into a wall and charged before next week’s episode. Luke, however, sneaks away from the group and bombards Hannah after the rose ceremony as the producers are interviewing her.
Okay, this guy is so smarmy. He already felt her up in front of half the competition now he’s gotta bombard her at the end of the night too? I can’t with this guy. He’s way too much.
LUKE: Everything I’m saying to you is true. My feelings for you are true.
I don’t know there’s just something about that guy I don’t trust. That said, my intuition has the accuracy rate of a broken compass so I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to find out if Luke is just the devil wearing a skin suit. Until then!
Images: Giphy (6); ABC (2); @alabamahannah /Instagram (1)