The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: Everyone Gets Raw

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Welcome to my Bachelorette recap, folks! I’m filling in for It’s Britney, Betch this week, which is equal parts thrilling and terrifying because it’s Fantasy Suites, and I grew up in a strict Irish/Italian Catholic household where no one ever discussed sex, except for that one time I was forced to watch a Katie Couric special, so this should be uncomfortable at best!! But never fear, I’ve still got Britney on our old Bachelor group chat, so hopefully she’ll be able to coax the raunchiness out of me. Now that this episode is finally here, I hope you guys are as excited as I am to see the desecration of a windmill on national TV, to hear Hannah breathlessly whisper “roll tide” from behind a closed door, and to finally find out if this episode is actually just two hours of the slut-shaming clip played on a loop. Shall we begin?

We start the episode on the beautiful island of Crete, where Hannah informs us that “Fantasy Suite week is not about sex, it’s about having time together in a real, raw, way.” I’m sorry Hannah, but that just sounded to me like you plan on having unprotected sex. Katie Couric would NOT approve. 

Hannah is so excited about this week that she’s singing, and if that’s her pageant talent, I can see why she was always a bridesmaid and never a bride. She would have been better off playing the water glasses. 

Peter’s Date

Peter shows up and he is wearing jeans to this date. On an island. Huh. You would think a pilot would be a better packer than that. Peter says he has never been this “exposed” to someone or this “totally raw” with someone, and once again I beg you guys to use condoms! He also says he wants to make her his screensaver on his phone and never change it, and I think he stole that from a far superior Peter, Peter Kavinsky. You sir are NO Peter Kavinsky.  And maybe don’t get your moves from a teen movie, hmm?

^^can’t beat this Peter

Hannah and Peter dry hump on the boat, but she’s still a little skeptical of his feelings for her. She wants to know if it will be “smooth sailing or rocky waters” with Peter, which definitely means she thinks he could be bad in bed. 

We’ve made it to the night portion of the evening, and Hannah is wearing a bathrobe that she got specially made for her by Elle Woods’ tailor. 

They sit down, and Peter toasts to love and fate for bringing them together, and if by fate he means “the producers who convinced me to dump my current girlfriend to get on this reality show,” then sure, it was fate. Peter continues to tell Hannah he loves his family, he loves flying, he loves lamp. JUST SPIT IT OUT PETER. He eventually tells her that she has flaws but he’s in love with her. So sweet! TBH if he’s this nervous about saying I love you, I shudder to think what he’ll be like when Hannah asks him to find her g-spot. 

They finally get the sad, handwritten note inviting them to go to the fantasy suite. They accept AND THEY HEAD TO THEIR ROOM IN A WINDMILL. I didn’t expect to make it to the infamous windmill so quickly! Also, for some reason I was picturing one of those replica windmills you find on a mini golf course down the shore. This makes a lot more sense. Oh boy, is that a trunk full of condoms? It’s like Chris Harrison heard how many times they said the word raw, and was like “Not on my watch!”

The next morning, Hannah calls Peter her Zeus, and she is Aphrodite, as if the two of them just didn’t have a wild night of missionary with the lights off

Peter is pleased with his performance and I love how he thinks lasting three minutes instead of his usual two means he’s won Hannah over. 

But was it, sweetie?

Tyler’s Date

Tyler arrives for his day date and looks even more beautiful in Greece than I remember. Hannah says that Tyler is the guy that everyone wants to be with, and on behalf of the women of America, or at least the three women in my group chat, I can confirm that with a resounding yes.

Their daytime activity is a couples massage, and I’m incredibly jealous because I’ve been told recently that I have a very tight back. It’s definitely not from the stress of writing sex jokes, don’t you guys worry! My stress isn’t manifesting in physical pain at all! 

Okay, what is Tyler doing? He takes things into his own hands by kicking the masseuses out, and climbing on top of Hannah. Tyler, this is not how massages work! Wait for your turn in the windmill! 

Hannah tells us she’s concerned that she only has a physical relationship with Tyler, and would like to explore the rest of their relationship later. I don’t like where this is headed. 

As Tyler continues to sensually massage Hannah’s thighs in a way that makes me want to cover my dog’s eyes, she worries that maybe she is only into Tyler because he’s rich, tall, and attractive, to which I say WHAT’S YOUR POINT, HANNAH? 

I’m suspicious of her hesitance but will also gladly volunteer as tribute to stand in for her during tonight’s fantasy suite. Anyone have a time travel machine I can pop into for a minute? 

They meet up for the night, and Tyler is wearing the lucky salmon jacket, and a pair of capri pants!! Men of the world, are these pants fashionable? I can’t answer that question because the longest relationship I’ve had lately was with the Uber driver who dropped off my lost phone and then decided to linger a little too long after he shamed me for it. So please, help a girl out. 

Is it just me, or is Tyler impossible to understand? It’s like the teachers in Jupiter were too busy building meth labs in their basement to teach kids how to enunciate. That one’s for all you Florida defenders in the comments *wink*.

At dinner, Hannah straight up tells Tyler that she is concerned because she is so addicted to his body (same), but she really just wants to know his favorite color. She tells him she doesn’t want to go into the fantasy suite to have sex, but because they need the emotional time together. 

Tyler rn:

Tyler tells her he would still want to spend the night under the stars with her just doing whatever she wants to do. 100 bucks says they are still totally going to bang. Any takers?

We’ve made it to the morning, and Hannah is continuing to assure us that they didn’t have sex, but that they’re more emotionally connected than ever. 

Hannah: We’re closer than ever.
Me:

Jed’s Date 

Now here comes Jed, butthurt he was neck-and-neck with the douche king last week. Poor, sad, conventionally attractive man didn’t get what he wanted last week and is throwing a fit? This really is the most shocking season, ever. *insert eyeroll*

Once again she is “experiencing the culture” of a foreign country with Jed. Is that because he did such a good job last time? I hope these lovely Greek people have their maps handy so they can locate Jed’s home country of “English.”

Anddd Hannah’s getting drunk again. I feel like I would also be a constantly tipsy bachelorette. Makes the sex offenders/cheaters/zealots men seem more tolerable! Pro tip: that’s also how I get through work every day. 

I like that Hannah describes fantasy suite week to the locals as “we get to spend more time together,” as if her last date didn’t end with a man accidentally ejaculating into his skinny jeans.

Okay, the way Jed is explaining The Bachelorette to the locals gives me the impression that he is such a mansplainer. I feel like he would stop in the middle of a Chippendales dance to correct a client, “Excuse me, I heard you call my underwear a cheap thong earlier, but actually it’s an ancient garb that was worn by kings and has special meaning to all of us here, in case you wanted to know.” She didn’t want to know, Jed.

Jed pulls Hannah aside during their day date, and relays his concerns about her relationship with Luke. He asks her to be honest about what she sees in Luke. 

Hannah:Yeah Jed, I’m regretting you asking too. 

Hannah and Jed meet up later that night and she’s giving his earlier sh*t fit the benefit of the doubt. She says that she knows it comes from a place of caring for her heart, and not him being a big f*cking baby. I beg to differ. 

Jed continues to belabor the point and basically tells Hannah he hates her for keeping Luke around. He says he is worried that she has a hard time letting go of things that aren’t good for her in her life. He also says he is sure about her and doesn’t want to be not sure about her but this is making him question everything. Exsqueeze me?! He is completely manipulating Hannah to get her to pick him. Are you f*cking kidding me, Jed?! This is completely toxic behavior. I SEE YOU, JED. 

Hannah is so flustered that she runs off, and Jed chases her as visions of his Spotify streams slowing down dance in his head. They sit back down and he says that he felt he had to tell her the raw truth about Luke. There’s that word again. Honey, after that conversation I don’t think you’re getting anything raw. 

After his toxic, manipulative bullsh*t, Jed backtracks just enough so that he’s sure he can still get it in tonight, and then do his best Dr. Evil laugh after Hannah falls asleep. Hannah is charmed by him again, and now she is offering the fantasy suite!! HANNAH. Girl. I have been behind you for most of this journey, but this is not your best decision. Like, I even think your red cutout dress was a better decision than this, and I told everyone that would listen that you bought that at Wet Seal. 

I truly can’t believe that she slept with Jed and only “kissed” and “held” Tyler. I hope this is one of those regrets people mention on their deathbed. 

I award Jed one point for being the only man to wear full pants this episode, but that’s it. And I award it begrudgingly. 

Luke’s Date

And we’ve finally made it to Mr. Slut Shamer himself, the only man to ever meet Jesus in the shower, Luke P! And she takes him to Santorini?! He does not deserve the pure beauty of this island. Oh good they’re going in a helicopter, maybe it will crash. 

It didn’t crash. Which is unfortunate, because I would be embarrassed to take that manscaped, juiced up jock to Santorini. Especially when he starts dancing. 

I have no other notes on their day date guys, my apologies for just wanting to finally get to the slut-shaming scene before I die of old age.

They sit down and Luke says, “Oh this is darling.” RED FLAG. I know she was willing to ignore the other red flags but this one had to smack her right in the face, no

And then we get down to business! Such a great idea to start a conversation this way:

And we’re in it! Luke tells Hannah that he believes sex should be between a man and his wife, and that even though he has been sexually active in the past, he has been abstaining from sex for the last 2.5 to 4 years. That’s quite the range, Luke. Have you been waffling on whether Jesus thinks “just the tip” counts or not?

He tells Hannah that if she had sex with the other guys that are still left, he would want to go home. And that is when she’s finally had enough. 

Hannah calls him out for telling her what to do, and judging her when he’s not currently her husband. He says having sex out of marriage is a sin. She CALLS HIM OUT for also committing sins.

Hannah: PRIDE IS A SIN TOO
Me:

He says he is willing to work through any “slip ups,” but at this point Hannah is having NONE of this. She tells him she ignored all the awful things about him, and he can’t even trust her to make her own decisions?! She says all this while production hell rains down on her from above. 

She calls him out for telling her what to do. And she says that she finally has clarity and she does not want him to be her husband. You go Hannah! I’ll bring the gasoline, let’s set him on fire! Send him back to that shower, Hannah! Jesus needs to teach him another lesson! And drown him! Wait, am I getting too fired up here?

Luke basically refuses to get up, dumbfounded that a woman he called a common street whore wouldn’t want him to stay. Hannah tells us that she has God in her heart and she is light. And that she’s had sex and Jesus still loves her. In the immortal words of every text message from my Aunt Angela, you go girl! 

Luke finally gets to the car and says, “Can I pray over you before I leave?” No, Luke, you can go f*ck yourself before you leave, and break that 2.5-4-year streak, thanks. 

Well, that was a wild ride. Peter comes out of this episode looking like the winner, but now that we know he is also a two-timing sack of human waste, and it appears that Luke crashes the rose ceremony, I think the only thing we can truly root for next week is that they all die in a fiery blaze. A girl can dream! 

Images: ABC; Giphy (7)

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