Beach season, bikini season, show-something-other-than-your-ankle-or-wrist season is practically here. For the past couple of months, you’ve been living off a steady routine of Netflix, not shaving your legs, and seasonal depression. You’ve also avoided the gym (“it’s to cold to go out!”) and kept your refrigerator full of all the winter foods (ice cream) which you can def attribute to adding an extra layer of warm, bubbly fat that is keeping you from going bathing suit shopping just yet. Sadly, it’s almost May, meaning that now it’s do or die time as far as summer bodies go. Your coworkers have probably already started their carb-free diet weeks (you know this because they won’t stop fucking talking about it), so you’ve got to get your shit together unless you want to look around one summer Friday and realize that you’re the only person who is still afraid to wear shorts. If you need to lose the winter weight like, yesterday, cut these foods from your diet right fucking now:
1. Soda & Sports Drinks
If you heart sugar and carbonation, chances are you indulge in a Diet Coke um, every day. knock it off. Sugar is empty calories, and calories equal a fine mesh of chub along your thighs. If you MUST have something carbonated, try a little sparkling water with a splash of fresh lime juice. As far as sports drinks like Gatorade are concerned, skip it unless you’re literally dying from your hangover. The sugar and carbs will add inches to your waistline unless you’re like a legit Olympic athlete who needs the extra calories in order to complete a 5 hour workout.
You’re making your salad fat, and that isn’t okay. Croutons are nothing but stale bread soaked in oil and spices, then baked. We have long held that carbs are evil, and now you’re ruining a perfectly good salad with these little monsters. OF COURSE they’re delicious—but on your salad they do not belong if you want to lose some serious pounds. You can have like, one as a reward.
3. Bottled Salad Dressing.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Buying salad dressing is incredibly lazy. They’re usually pumped full of sugar, added fat, and calories. Buy a mason jar and mix up minced onion, minced garlic, extra virgin olive oil, Italian seasoning, and good balsamic. That shit will taste better than any calorie bomb you’re squeezing out of a shelf stable bottle and you’ll look like a literal sous chef when you casually reveal to literally anyone who will listen that you “make your own salad dressing.”
4. Whipped Cream
I know you got the skinny latte with whip and you’re feeling pretty fetch right now, but you shouldn’t. Whipped cream is fun for one-time sex role play and that’s it. It shouldn’t have a sacred space in your breakfast and caffeine routine because it a) literally adds no nutrients, b) literally adds calories, and c) will literally result in a sugar crash later. Keep this shit where it belongs: on a giant ice cream sundae which you can have exactly once every six months.
5. Pasta & White Rice
Again with the carbs. If you’re trying to seriously drop the pounds but adore pasta and rice, get a measuring cup. This is your new bff. Measure out ¼ cup of either rice or pasta and boom, that’s all you get. There’s nothing that nutritionally interesting or valuable to either of these things—they just fill you up and are easy to cook without totally fucking it up. Try using spinach or riced cauliflower in place of either of these.
Unless your smoothie is a combo of spinach, plain Greek yogurt, and a handful of strawberries, your smoothie is probably adding extra sugar and fat. Fun fact: a 32 oz smoothie can have 800 calories or more. Skip this shit or make it yourself. This goes double for unicorn frappuccinos, which are only magical in the sense that they will magically add 15 pounds to your body.
7. Combo Yogurts
What do we mean by combo yogurt? We mean yogurt you can either buy with fruit on the bottom, or cute container attachments of nuts/granola/fruit/preserves/literally just cubes of sugar. If you’re trying to be healthy, you need to march your ass to the store, get a contained of GREEK WHOLE FAT PLAIN YOGURT and that’s fucking it. Making your yogurt into a dessert will make your thighs into inflatable pool animals. Sugar content and additives have made it shitty and worse for you than Count Chocula. If you’re serious about losing weight, skip it.