One good thing to come of this shelter-in-place situation is the much-needed excuse to catch up with my favorite and insane group of women. That’s right, the iconic foursome otherwise known as “omg, which one are you?” is back in my life after more than a decade and, now that I am old enough to understand what’s going on, better than ever! Sex and the City was the Gossip Girl of the nineties, which makes sense considering both shows have ridiculous plot lines that make no sense, absurd apartments that I’m pretty sure don’t exist in New York and, of course, superb fashion, which we can blame on none other than Eric Damon, costume designer of both SATC and GG.
Look, before I get into it, I just want to say that after wearing nothing but leggings and sweatshirts for the past three weeks, I admire the bold choices our boy Eric has made. However, after binging the whole series in an embarrassingly short period, I have seen… a lot. I can’t unsee some of these outfits and I feel the need to share them with you. Full disclosure, lot of the train wrecks are Carrie’s, which is to be expected, but that’s not to say the other characters’ wardrobes are much better. Here we go!
Guys!! What in the actual f*ck is this? If I had to write this article from memory (and not with the help of the amazing Instagram account @everyoutfitonsatc), I would still very much include this horrible look. There’s so much going on with this offensively busy jumpsuit that I don’t even know where to start. I admire the confidence it must take to wear this, but, like, no. She looks like a Bratz doll that never made it into stores because she’s just too much and the manufacturers were at a loss on how to tone her down.
This is another outfit I would have included from memory. Tbh, I loved this midi skirt when I first saw it in 2002 and I still love it almost two decades later. The rest of this outfit, though, is an actual mess. First, what are the mechanics involved in tucking a button-down into itself without it being bulky af, and how did she manage to do the same tuck of the white tank under it? What purpose is this belt serving aside from assaulting my eyes? I need answers, Eric! Aside from this skirt, the only good thing about this look are SJP’s abs.
I swear I wore this exact same dress when I went as a Sexy Wench for Halloween 2009. Tbh, the dress isn’t horrible (I’m biased, whatever), but the tragic accessories are really bringing it down. I mean, the boutonniere, chain, and silk scarf are too much. Spe
aking of which, could no one be bothered to tuck the corner of her stupid scarf in? I wish she’d swap all of the stupid accessories for a simple tennis necklace and call it a day. As Heidi Klum would say, “auf wiedersehen,” honey.
Before anyone tries to drag me in the comments, let me just say that I love menswear-inspired looks on women. This unflattering disaster, however, isn’t inspired by men’s suiting because it is men’s suiting. This would look hot af if Miranda undid a few buttons (at least enough for her to breathe) and invested some of her “I went to Harvard” money on a tailored blazer. Her only appealing accessory is the martini.
My friend got me one of these dresses as a joke when we went to Oktoberfest in Munich a few years ago and even then, I wouldn’t wear it because it just looked too stupid. Why the hell, then, is Carrie wearing an actual dirndl in Central Park? The pigtails aren’t helping the situation. I literally can’t think of anything that would make this outfit better, so let’s all agree that it’s awful and move on.
Even though this chiffon top is allegedly Chanel, it’s heinous, just like the rest of the outfit. Each piece is ugly in its own right and together, they make for one really unfortunate look. Eric, explain yourself! The only thing I can focus on are the little chode designs on the top. Am I a 12-year-old boy or are those tiny penises that are wider than they are long? Seriously, tell me I’m wrong.
I like to think of myself as a progressive and open-minded fashion-lover, but I’ve always hated overalls. These, however, are especially abominable because they look like they’d even be a little loose on the Michelin Man. I remember this episode: Miranda is on a really unfortunate dry spell and, with each passing and sexless day, gets more and more restless. Miranda, honey, this enormous overalls-puffer combination isn’t helping your cause. For the love of God, put on literally anything else in your closet.
On a somber note, my dad recently battled (and won!) a tough war against cancer and watching him lose his hair was tough for everyone, so I get Samantha wanting to express at least some semblance of her glamorous self via wigs. An afro, though? Sam has been known to culturally appropriate on more than one occasion, so I’m not surprised that she actually wore this wig out of the house, but that doesn’t make it okay! There are so many options, so why must you go with the most problematic?
Can someone have a bandana fetish? Is that a thing? These are not articles of clothing, Carrie! I hate to admit that the bandana-top crossover isn’t even the worst part of this outfit. It’s either the fishing net she’s wearing as a sweater or the cowboy hat that, surprise surprise, also doesn’t work. I remember she was on her way to the Hamptons in this episode, and something tells me she won’t be well-received by the Serenas and Blairs out there.
If I had a body like Carrie’s, I would literally wear a bathing suit every damn day. So why, god why, is she taking attention away from her amazing body and making us look at this foul bikini top with…are those men’s board shorts? This is the second Hamptons-inappropriate outfit we’ve seen from Carrie, and I cannot handle a third.
There you have it, the 10 most offensive outfits from SATC. I know what you’re thinking: where’s Charlotte? Tbh, Charlotte has incredible style and is too good for this list. She’s always tasteful and wears clothes that both fit and flatter her body. If you can find a pic of my Park Avenue princess in a gross outfit, lmk in the comments. Until then, I stand by my love for the Jewish Episcopalian. That’s all.
Images: New York Daily News Archive / Contributor / Getty Images; everyoutfitonsatc / Instagram