Why can’t we all have multiple months off for summer vacation? Like, I just find it really unfair that kids, who do little to no work, ever, and contribute next to nothing to society at large, get days upon days off to do actually nothing while we, the adult generation, are forced to slave away in dark windowless cubes while the sun shines and temperatures approach 90. There are lawn chairs BEGGING me to lay in them, sipping drinks and getting my tan on, but no—here I sit, scribbling up horoscopes to find out how the planets and stars will guide my day to day activities Friday through Sunday.
So, wtf is in store for us this weekend? Will we all sit inside learning how to properly fold panties, or will we serendipitously run into our soulmates at the club?
You’ve got it all this weekend, Gemini, so it’s time to f*cking show it off. With the sun and Venus in your sign, people will find you even more adorable and hot than usual. Career-wise, you’ll have professional moves on your mind all weekend, so seek out some expert advice on how to climb the corporate ladder, so to speak.
This is gonna sound weird, but this weekend, Cancer, head to the clerb. Dancing and romance are in the cards thanks to Neptune and Saturn hanging out with Mars. So, yeah, although you’ve tried to avoid the whole club scene since college, it could be time to make your glorious comeback in the name of love.
Listen to your gut this weekend, Leo. Don’t do anything rash, but weigh out the options and thoughts surrounding an ongoing dilemma. It could be a relationship that feels a little stale, or a career decision you’ve been weighing for awhile (like whether you should just find a sugar daddy and quit your day job already). No matter how tempted you are to fix it and find an answer right this f*cking second, this is a weekend for thinking, not acting.
On the love front, all that thinking has made you a sourpuss, so try not to put it on everyone else. By Saturday, a social outing will have you at your most charming, so choose to woo a new beau or your tried and true S.O.
Lean on your friends and fam this weekend, Virgo. You’ve been in a sh*tty rut and and a terrible mood all week, so look to positive outings with those you love the most to yank you out of your funk. Getting social and meeting people outside your friend group, too, could help you go into Monday with a much better attitude.
There’s no such thing as stranger danger this weekend, Libra. Get your confidence on, and don’t be shy. Talk up hot strangers on the train, at the bar, and at brunch. Just make sure you have your mace handy just in case. Ya know, these things happen. Anyway, the planets want you to make a connection, so make the most of your time around other people, especially those you haven’t met before.
If you’re already wifed up, Scorpio and the moon could make you a lil moody by Sunday, so schedule date night for Friday night or Saturday morning, and avoid getting into an emotional fight in public, again.
The moon in your sign on Saturday has you feeling like your old self again, Scorpio—and thank God, cause this week, you’ve been on a f*cking emotional rollercoaster. Gtfo of town for the weekend and head to a not-gross body of water with your partner or new love interest.
Note to self: any creative endeavors you undertake while on your little weekend getaway will be super successful, so get weird with it and take up watercolor painting or mud sculpture or some sh*t. Having fun counts for something this weekend.
Go for what you want, Sagittarius. You usually try and let things come to you, but you need to take the bull by the horns this weekend and f*cking go for it. The universe totally wants to work in your favor, fam. That goes for love, too. Stop being a wallflower and ask that nice boy to dance, or whatever.
Keep the convos going this weekend, Capricorn. Something amazing could come out of it. Don’t be your usual party-pooper self (you know it’s true); try to be excited about new ideas that are being thrown away by your friends and family, even if they come about during a drunken, weed-infused brainstorm sesh.
The moon in Libra will present Friday as a GREAT date night for either your partner or a new love interest. Be careful of overspending on apps, desserts, drinks, and dinner though. You’re frequently not v careful with your money, and this weekend could present better financial opportunities than chips, salsa, and margs (I know, I know). This weekend, think about monetizing your talents, like charging for dog walking or organizing drawers the Marie Kondo way. People will pay for your unique perspective and what you have to offer.
Time for a lil down time, Pisces. You’re usually all about hanging with the girls or your social crew on weekends, but the next few days will be better spent all by yourself, amongst the weird hobbies and habits that you don’t want your normal friends to know about. It’s best you keep to yourself Saturday and Sunday, hanging out with your stamp collection and piles of Friends DVDs.
Tackle that impossible sh*t, Aries. Taking on tasks that have seemed insurmountable—like finally acknowledging that you’re never again going to fit into half the sh*t in your closet—will be easier to digest and take on this weekend if you talk through it with someone close. Remember: little steps like cleaning or getting rid of old sh*t will make you happier in the long run, even if it isn’t how you want to spend your weekend now.
On the love front, with Venus in Gemini your flirty convo skills will be on the up-and-up, and may send some sparks (and sexy times) your way on Saturday. If you’re already committed, explore the great outdoors this weekend—whether that means camping or drinking on a deck, doesn’t matter.
Time to dole out some advice, Taurus. You’re definitely not terrible at giving some good pointers here and there, so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You’ve had a lot of experiences, romantic, positive, negative, and weird, so you’re totally allowed to share the info and lessons learned.
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