Summer is for one thing and one thing only: getting skinny and finding love. Okay, so that’s two things. Also, getting tan. That’s three things. Okay, so summer is about those three things and nothing else. While getting skinny and tan is up to you (don’t eat, stand in the sun), your love life is determined by one factor that is totally beyond your control (which is why it’s totally not your fault when you’re being psycho): the arbitrary placement of the stars and planets as they correspond to the date and time of your birth. So will you play the field this summer, or fall in legitimate love? It all depends on Venus. Please direct all of your anger her way when the guy you just told your BFF you were in love with ghosts you and moves to Canada. I’m just the messenger.
Lucky for you, Aries, Venus is in your true love house from June 5 to October 8th, meaning that your summer hookup may actually turn into like, a real thing. Get ready for a playful, passionate, and highly romantic summer, but beware: trust issues abound. Resist the urge to steal his phone and screenshot every questionable text, because on August 8th, BSCB Mars will be all up in your shit trying to stir drama, but don’t fucking let him. Or do. Sometimes drama is fun. That’s your call. Also, don’t be alarmed if you find yourself randomly attracted to hipsters this summer. You want a beard and a band. Don’t think about it. Just let it happen. August 14th’s new moon will bring you big news, like maybe hipster bae has decided to leave his organic dog treat startup for a real job. Embrace it.
Signs To Bring Home To Mom: Leo, Sagittarius, Aquarius
Signs Whose Numbers Should Be Blocked: Cancer, Capricorn, Pisces
This summer is all about your two favorite things: getting cozy and being chill AF. If you’re already in a relationship, June is the perfect time for you two to settle in and binge all those shows in your joint Netflix queue. This is also a good time to present bae to your parents, maybe by bringing him along on a family trip. If you’re not in a relationship, you’re going to find yourself heavily attracted to boy-or girl-next-door types. You know, the kind of guy who looks like he’ll remember your birthday without you even having to drop hints. In July, you could even do the unthinkable and fall in love with someone whom you’ve previously friendzoned, so be open to that possibility. You’re going to have a lot of romantic luck between June 6 and July 4th, so you’re basically guaranteed a drunk makeout sesh at whatever 4th of July party you attend. Dress accordingly.
Signs To Bring Home To Mom: Virgo, Capricorn, Pisces, Scorpio
Signs Whose Numbers Should Be Blocked: Leo, Aquarius, Aries
Trust no fuckboy. Gemini, this summer you have absolutely 0 tolerance for bullshit, which will actually lead to a lessening of relationship drama. You’re over it, and you have to actually give a fuck for drama to occur, so lucky you. You’ll be in a particularly flirty mood during your birthday month (May 21- June 21) so embrace it. Mars will be in your sign trying to kill your vibe until June 24th, so maybe stick with low-key Tinder matches rather than people you actually care about until Mars has a chance to GTFO. Venus goes into retrograde in your sign in August, which will make you vulnerable to misunderstandings, but never fear because you’ll be coming out of a romantic high that’ll last between July 5th and July 31st. Use the strong foundation you built during this lucky time to help guide you through your sudden urge to ready wayyy too deeply into his text response time in August. When he says he didn’t answer because he was in the shower, believe him.
Signs To Bring Home To Mom: Libra, Aquarius, Aries, Sagittarius
Signs Whose Numbers Should Be Blocked: Virgo, Pisces, Taurus
Good news, Cancer! This summer is the perfect time to finally get over your ex. The stars have literally aligned, and Crazy-Ass Mars will be in your house from June 24-August 8, making you desirable AF. Don’t waste that shit on trying to get back together with someone from your past; focus on bringing new dick into your life (or vagina—honestly, try anything!). Keep a look out for two full moons on July 1st and 31st, which could bring a new bae right to your doorstep, but be careful. Hard-Ass Saturn (the narc of the zodiac) is chilling in your house from June 14-September 17th, which make make you prone to getting overly serious. On the bright side, Saturn’s presence makes you more open to meeting someone through work. Just hold off on declaring that shit to HR until August, when your luck will be through the roof and there’s actually a chance your boss will be cool with it.
Signs To Bring Home To Mom: Scorpio, Pisces, Taurus
Signs Whose Numbers Should Be Blocked: Libra, Aries, Gemini
Venus spends the entire summer in Leo, so basically get ready for more booty calls than you know what to do with. Brush up on some of our sex and blowjob-giving tips, because you’re going to need them. If you’re not already in a relationship by your birthday month (July 22-August 23), this is not the time to get tied down. On July 31st, one of your many summer flings may attempt to DTR, but think hard before you commit. You’ll probably want to be single at least through the end of August, when The One Who Got Away will make a surprise reappearance in your life.
This no-commitment rule goes for other aspects of your life too. You’re going to be on fire this summer and you’ll want your evenings free to accept all the many dates that are going to be thrown your way, so maybe don’t sign up for a five week GRE study group. Save that shit for cuffing season.
Signs To Bring Home To Mom: Sagittarius, Aries, Gemini
Signs Whose Numbers Should Be Blocked: Scorpio, Taurus, Cancer
Hate to break it to you, but this is not your year for love. You can thank Jupiter in your second house for that. On the bright side, your financial forecast is through the roof, so maybe be your own bae this summer? You can buy yourself flowers and chocolate, TBH. When summer romance does go your way, don’t put pressure on yourself to DTR. A casual summer fling could become a legit relationship by October if you maintain your chill, and who wants to be in a relationship before October anyway? That being said, June 24th-August 8th you’ll find more romantic luck meeting new people, so that would be a good time to re-download that dating app of your choice and start swiping away. Venus is in your house for just one week this summer July 18-July 25th, and could bring rapid passionate developments, making this the perfect time for you to message first. Or use the sudden increase in your checking account to buy a giant platinum vibrator and chill until fall. Your call.
Signs To Bring Home To Mom: Capricorn, Taurus, Cancer
Signs Whose Numbers Should Be Blocked: Sagittarius, Gemini, Leo
You’re liable to catch feelings this summer, so be on the lookout for someone who is worthy of said feelings. Venus did a number on your self-esteem by going retrograde from March 4 to April 15th, but that shit is over now so time to buck up and get back out there. Definitely do not let a slow winter lead to lowered standards. Repeat after me, “If he’s over the age of 30 and does not have a bed frame, it’s a no from me.” If you’re in a relationship and it has been on the outs lately, blame Venus and start again. A simple “I’m sorry for what I said when Venus was in retrograde” will suffice. Also, maybe give your SO a heads up that Jupiter will be entering your house on August 11th, and you’re gonna want some alone time. It’s nothing personal. The Heavens just want you to do a face mask and spend the day re-watching The O.C. and ignoring texts. It’s not personal. A full moon on August 29th will finally bring you the romantic stability you’re looking for, just in time for cuffing season.
Signs To Bring Home To Mom: Aquarius, Gemini, Leo
Signs Whose Numbers Should Be Blocked: Capricorn, Cancer, Virgo
Thanks to hard-ass Saturn, you’re focused more on your career than love right now, meaning you’re way more likely to click with someone you see on the reg than some rando at the bar. Maybe it’s time to finally ask that cute barista what his deal is? But know this: You have absolutely no room for someone who doesn’t have your back. Shit is going too well for you to have to deal with any negativity. Try meeting someone at a work function or a high-end bar that only people with their shit together can afford. That’ll weed out the losers. If all the prospects in your area are fuckboys, July is the perfect time to search for love (or lust) elsewhere. Book those AirBnB dates now and there could be a hot cabana boy in your future. If you’re already in a relationship, clingy Saturn is going to make you want to plan the next 5 years of your life together. Do what you want, but maybe keep your notebook full of baby names to yourself until August 29, when a full moon will put you at a romantic peak and make him way more open to talking flower arrangements for your future wedding.
Signs To Bring Home To Mom: Pisces, Cancer, Virgo
Signs Whose Numbers Should Be Blocked: Aquarius, Leo, Libra
TBH, you’re more focused on your exploding friend group than your romantic life right now, so if you’re single, stay there. But beware of the men in your squad—you may end up falling for one due to your new friend-focused lifestyle. We told you guy friends don’t exist. Whoever you choose, do not stand for someone who gets all jealous and needy every time you have a girls night. There will be a lot of them, and you don’t need the drama. Keep an eye out for whoever you meet on June 6th, when a new moon could kick off your summer love affair. If you’ve already got a fling going, May-June is a good time to clear shit up and potentially DTR. With Venus in your house of travel, try looking for love on vacation. It’ll be perf because you’ll know the relationship comes with an end date and can just enjoy yourselves. If you end up in a relationship that lasts through August, beware. Venus goes into retrograde that month and may result in you pushing someone away for no reason. Just take a deep breath and remember that just because a guy doesn’t like your selfie within two minutes of posting, it does not mean he’s cheating on you. He might be taking a shit. Guys do that.
Signs To Bring Home To Mom: Aries, Leo, Libra
Signs Whose Numbers Should Be Blocked: Pisces, Virgo, Scorpio
There’s really no delicate way to put this, Capricorn: You’re in for a horny summer. Time to order a year’s supply of vibrating condoms and to put your gynecologist on speed dial because you are getting it in. That being said, drama queen Mars is in your marriage house from June 24-August 8th, making you both horny and clingy—a dangerous combo. With Venus in retrograde in August, it is very important that you don’t rush a relationship, no matter how good the sex is. We know you know this, but maybe you should tattoo it on the back of your hand so you don’t forget: good sex /= a stable relationship. On August 11th Jupiter will get in there and lighten up your approach to love, making you more open to taking risks. Perhaps a foreign fuckboy is in your future? Just make sure your new risk-taking horniness doesn’t lead to serious lapses in judgement. Condoms, Capricorn. Condoms. Or else there will be a bad case of herpes in your future. And not the kind that only shows up on your mouth.
Signs To Bring Home To Mom: Taurus, Virgo, Scorpio
Signs Whose Numbers Should Be Blocked: Aries, Libra, Sagittarius
This summer, you’re so sick of that same old love and looking for some variety from your usual rotation of finance bros. I know “opposites attract” sounds like lame mom advice, but this might actually be true for you. If you’re usually into tall guys, maybe try dating someone short. If you usually are into hipsters, try dating someone with a job. Play the field. On June 16th a new moon in Gemini is opening your usually cold, dead heart, so see where it takes you! A full moon on July 31st will help you take risks, and with travel-focused Jupiter in your 9th house, this sounds like the perfect time for a solo vacation. Maybe it’s finally time for your own Eat, Pray, Love follow-up: Drink, Post, Bang. TBH it sounds better than the original.
Signs To Bring Home To Mom: Gemini, Libra, Sagittarius
Signs Whose Numbers Should Be Blocked: Taurus, Scorpio, Capricorn
Guess what Pisces, you’re gonna be a crazy bitch this summer. With Mars in your house of romance from June 24-August 8th, you basically have no choice but to find a man (or three, or four, maybe also a girl) and terrorize him for three full months. It’s not your fault. It’s just the stars. That being said, be sure to take your chiller friends’ advice and run all fuckboy ruining plans by them. They’ll be able to help you determine which actions are fun-crazy, and which actions are jail-crazy. Telling him to come over and then “falling asleep” as a test is fun crazy. Telling him to come over and then dousing him with gasoline is not. You may think you see the distinction now, but come end of June this line will be fuzzy for you. All that being said, Jupiter will be in your marriage house on 8/11, so you’ll feel the sudden urge to put a ring on it. Steer clear of Vegas. A full moon in your sign will help to restore your decision making capabilities by August 29th, and then you’ll be able to re-enter society. If you’re still looking for love after reading this, remember that Venus is in your house of service, so you’re more likely to meet someone while volunteering or participating in some other nice-girl activity. Maybe try donating your skis to the Pismo Beach Disaster Relief? I heard those people lost everything, including athletic equipment.
Signs To Bring Home To Mom: Cancer, Scorpio, Capricorn
Signs Whose Numbers Should Be Blocked: Gemini, Sagittarius, Aquarius