234. Talking Shit With Your Mom

This isn’t just another post about talking shit. It’s a major duh that betches love talking shit – we don’t have to tell anyone twice. Sometimes this little hobby (or major past time, however you want to look at it) causes us to run into some trouble when talking about mutual besties.

This is where your mom comes in. She is obviously betchy – she raised you and look how fucking great that endeavor turned out. This makes her a perfect candidate to talk shit with and the best part is she would never go tell your friends what you said about them after a particularly frustrating night when Claire threw up in your apartment at the pregame (for the third time in a row) and Kate hooked up with the bro at the bar you’ve been checking out for the past couple weeks. This kind of shit drives a betch up the wall and the best way to vent is to call your mom while you’re hungover AF in bed and talk some major shit. You can say whatever you want because it’s not like she will call Kate and Claire after and tell them just how shitty you think they are.

While we sometimes like to think we are the smartest and wittiest people to walk the planet (which 99% of the time, we are) our moms happen to have around 25 more years of experience. They have been dealing with fugly people’s shit for much longer than us so naturally they know what to do about the fact that your besties are acting like total assholes and not understanding that you always need to be in the middle of group pics. You can talk shit to your mom and in addition to being able to bitch about all the things that annoy you, you may actually even get a solution for your problems. That’s like unheard of from your besties who aren’t even listening half the things you say.

Probably the best feeling in the world is knowing that you’re right. As betches, we get that feeling a lot, but it’s guaranteed when you talk shit to your mom. She would never side with your besties and say that you were wrong. We are rarely wrong as it is, but sometimes it’s a good fucking feeling knowing that there’s a person out there who will always pick your side since besties get jealous sometimes. Especially when you get too blackout and you’re not really sure about what crazy shit you said the night before. Your mom’s always got your back in these kinds of hazy situations.

So next time you get an urge to call up Claire and talk shit about how damn annoying Kate was at spin class that morning, take a deep breath (or a swig of wine) and call your mom. She will be there to listen to you for hours and won’t try to tell you that maybe you’re wrong and Kate’s actually a really good person. Fuck that. Betches are always right.


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