Stephen Milller Used Spray On Hair And We Have Questions

Making fun of someone’s appearance is wrong. Making fun of a man for the very natural process of losing his hair is also wrong. Unless that person is a racist monster who goes on television to justify the president’s most horrific policies. Then say whatever the f*ck you want. Stephen Miller crawled out of the haunted well he is cursed to live in to appear on Face the Nation this weekend where he attempted to defend the Trump administration’s plan to shut the government down over wall funding. Miller tried his best to make the case for “border security” but unfortunately, no one could focus on the horrifying things that came out of his mouth because they were too focused on the horrifying thing that had appeared on his head.

Looks like Stephen loves his boss so much, he went to the same stylist. Can someone tell these men that they can just like…be bald? My grandpa was bald and he f*cking rocked. Can someone also tell them that if you make one hundred TV appearances with no hair and then suddenly show up on TV with hair (“hair” being a generous term for whatever the f*ck Miller has going on), people will notice? Obviously the internet has been buzzing with theories about what the f*ck could have possibly happened to the top of Stephen Miller’s head. I, for one, did not know that a human being could become pixelated.

Here are our best guesses as to what could have possible happened to Millennial Hitler – I mean Stephen Miller.

1. His Barber Is In The Resistance

I mean, who the f*ck would do this to someone they had even the smallest amount of respect for? There had to be someone, somewhere, who signed off on this hairstyle for Miller, and whoever that is is my new personal hero.

2. He Wanted To Make Trump Feel Better

Stephen is one of Trump’s biggest supporters, and we all know the Donald is insecure about his hair situation. Maybe Stephen was trying to suck up to his boss by pioneering a new, even more absurd way to cover up the fact that you are balding? It’s basically the toxic masculinity version of when one friend gets cancer and other friends shave their heads in solidarity.

3. He Fell Asleep On It

Remember how Miller was caught sleeping through a meeting earlier this year? You know how sometimes you take a casual nap and when you wake up it looks like a bomb exploded on your head? Maybe Stephen Miller had amazing hair, but then he took a nap and it got all f*cked up. That would explain why his entire forehead looks like when I try to correct my eyeliner but end up just smudging it more.

4. His Hair Has Not Loaded Properly

You know how sometimes when you have a sh*tty internet connection whatever Netflix show you’re binge-watching won’t properly load, forcing you to watch Paul Hollywood give handshakes in low-def? Maybe that has somehow happened to Stephen Miller’s head. The rest of his body has (unfortunately) loaded in HD, but there’s some lag on the top of his head. In my limited knowledge of technology, this makes sense to me.

5. It’s Spray On Hair

Soooo yeah, insanely enough, this is the truth. Stephen Miller – who has appeared on television many, many times – woke up one morning, sprayed hair onto his own head, and thought no one would notice. This man is in charge of immigration policy in the United States. Think about that.

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Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.