Stay The F*ck Indoors: Weekly Horoscopes March 16-21

Aries season begins on Thursday, and its fiery ambitious energy could be exactly what we all need to stay sane through the CDC’s recommended eight weeks of social distancing. Shakespeare wrote King Lear while on quarantine for the plague, so there’s no reason why you can’t get to inbox zero. Okay, so who are we kidding, even inbox 100 would be preferable.


Welcome to your season, Aries! Unfortunately any celebrations are going to have to be remote. Keep an eye out for rash decision-making, as being cooped up during your time to shine starts making you antsy. Like, no, your 2am dick appointment isn’t safer “because it’s your ex.” Come on now…


Social distancing? Taurus, you’ve been training for this their whole damn life. Your friends used to shade you for your love of staying home, but you were just ahead of the curve. Lean into the self-care skills you’ve been developing all year long. Whose laughing at your collection of handmade soaps now?


For you, Aries season will be all about individual connections, which is great because group hangs are kind of not a thing right now. Set up phone dates to keep updated with your friends, fire up G-chat, and maybe even start an old school letter-writing campaign. And by “letter writing” we mean “email sending.” It’s still 2020 after all.


There’s no better time to stay in with your vision board, Cancer. Aries is giving you the drive you need to achieve your dreams, and coronavirus is giving you the time to actually hunker down and get sh*t done. That project you’ve been putting off for months? Now is the time. Try by devoting your typical commuting time to a project of your choice. Then freak out over all the time you wasted in your f*cking car.


I hate to say it Leo, but that travel bug has hit you at the exact worst time. Aries season is making you want to GTFO, just as the WHO is saying to STFI (stay the f*ck in). Since you can’t go on a journey with your physical body, why not go on a journey of the mind? Re-read Harry Potter. Finally finish Game of Thrones (you’ll be disappointed by it, it’s fine). See what this Star Wars sh*t is all about. Anything to make you forget that you’re stuck in your apartment with your roommate and not fighting space aliens with young Harrison Ford.


Do you have your quarantine bae? Aries has you in an intimate mood, so what better time to call up your favorite asymptomatic individual and see if they’d like to self-isolate with you. Preferably someone who lives close by so they can f*ck off to their own house if/when sh*t hits the fan.


It’s time to finally download one of those meditation apps, Libra, because it’s mindfulness that’s going to get your group-loving sign through the next two weeks. Focus on enjoying your own company before you start naming your hair ties and start talking to them like they’re real people. (“Can you believe Stephanie just SNAPPED like that?”) It’s the only way you’ll make it through.


Aries season has you in the mood for a major purge, and lucky for you you’ve got nothing but time to go through literally all of your stuff. Spend the time you would have spent schlepping to and from work to connect with your inner Marie Kondo and downsize the f*ck out of your stuff. Just be sure to thoroughly wash anything you donate.


Bust out the adult coloring book, Sagittarius, because Aries season has you connecting to your inner artiste. Use this mandatory indoor time for your favorite kindergarten rainy day activity: arts and crafts. Collages, painting, cute-ass embroidery sets—anything to take your mind off the monotony of life in self-isolation. You know, Frida Kahlo did some of her best work on bed rest.


The CDC says we should all up our hygiene and cleanliness regimens. Capricorn says challenge accepted. Is there anyone better suited to a regimented life in quarantine than you, Capricorn? I’m honestly jealous of how much fun you’re going to have disinfecting your space. Spend this Aries season turning your home into the germ-free sanctuary of your dreams, which fuckboys will ruin with their nasty-ass shoes the minute the CDC says its okay to hang out again.


FaceTime keep dropping? Emails coming off as either way too harsh or psychotically friendly? Aries season is disrupting your communication center and making it hard for you to navigate an already difficult time. Take a deep breath and realize that you’re not the only person trying to pretend the audio isn’t totally f*cked on a digital meeting. As long as you get the broad strokes you’ll be fine.


You’ve been keeping things casual your whole season long, Pisces, but now it’s time to get serious. No, you’re not gonna be able to keep going to yoga right now. No, you can’t still maintain your weekly date schedule. And for the love of God, please stop going to crowded bars. Please.

Images: Giphy

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.