Sure, you’re not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but Spotify Wrapped is a different beast entirely. Like old folks always say, music is a window into the soul or some bullshit like that. So, now is the perfect opportunity to stalk your crushes, situationships, and not-so-regrettable hook-ups to gather all the info you need to safeguard your heart.
Last year listeners created over 200,000 “break-up” playlists, so recognizing these red flags might just save you from streaming them on Valentine’s Day 2024. I mean, I wouldn’t wish “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” on my worst enemy. Remember, EDM is not a phase! These are grown people with terrible taste! Trust them when they show this very embarassing side of themselves. Godspeed.
- If Zach Bryan is their top artist
- If they’ve played Benson Boone’s “Beautiful Things” in the double digits. Have you heard of anxious attachment?
- #1 Podcast is Joe Rogan 🤢
- They refer to their music taste as “coastal cowgirl.” I promise you, she’s not hot enough to treat you like that.
- Kanye. Just in general.
- Any EDM. Like ALL house music. If his name is Brett, you should’ve known better.
- Men’s Motivational Affirmations (Affirmations are for the femmes and thems only!!!)
- If all of their top songs are from TikTok trends. Pls get a personality.
- Their top audiobook is “A Court of Thorns & Roses” (JK this is a green flag but def note that they’re very, very horny)
- “Box fan noise for sleep.” Welcome to Dissociation Station, party of one.
- If the Wicked soundtrack is their top album. We get it. You like musicals.
- Their Spotify Wrapped season is “Pumpkin Spice Strut Power Ballad.” What in the basic-bitch hell?
- “Wonderwall” is their most played song
- Beyoncé isn’t in their top artists
- They listened to 4,309 minutes of Hozier. Check in with them. They’re clearly going through something.
- They only listened to like 532 minutes of music this year. Are they an insane person who is comfortable sitting with their own thoughts? Psychotic behavior.
- They listened to over 95,000 minutes of music. That’s like 66 days nonstop. When was the last time they interacted with a human being?
- Top genre is Ska but they’ve never watched the movie Shrek
- They were one of the 75% of men who created a playlist related to the Roman Empire. Do you really want to listen to “Viva La Vida” by Coldplay when you walk down the aisle?
- Most played album is Taylor Swift but it’s not Taylor’s Version. (Scooter Braun apologist!)
- Brags about being a top 0.5% listener of Eminem
- They have zero female artists across their entire Spotify Wrapped
- They have a “pickleball-related playlist.” Sure, they’re rich but they’re also old enough to be your grandparent.
- Editing their Spotify Wrapped to show R Kelly as a joke. Haha, you’re not funny.
- The top .005% of Travis Scott listeners but has never watched The Kardashians.
- They make their Spotify Wrapped their entire personality for the rest of the year.
- They try to use Spotify Wrapped to slide into your DMs. “I also like gay pop girlies.”
- Top genre is “Pop Caviar.” What does that even mean?!
- They listened to “Challengers (Match Point)” 3,000 times. Typically at the gym.
- They use Apple Music
