With Spotify Wrapped just around the corner, also known as the worst day of the year for Instagram stories, it is time to prepare ourselves. You might not know this, but Spotify Wrapped is actually the most successful personality quiz out there. We know everything possible about you from your 2023 Spotify Wrapped profile.
I don’t care whether you’re a ENFJ, I care if Spotify labels you an “Early Adopter” (also known as TRENDSETTER INFLUENCER MUSIC ICON) or if your favorite podcasts include straight dudes talking about dating and the struggles of manhood.
Everything you need to know about someone is right there in their Spotify Wrapped. So screw fun facts or Friends quotes, let’s swipe right and left on your top artists and favorite genres.
Well, obviously they have incredible taste and/or went to the Eras Tour this year! Just my opinion. Whatever. When Taylor Swift is your top artist, you’re living in a permanent state of delusion. You literally believe in true love and that you just need to keep swiping on Hinge and ignoring the roses from creepy men. You are loyal, you’ve stood by your icon through thick and thin, through Kanye and Alwyn, and this you’re the bestie who will not only help someone to bury a body, but then go home and tweet lyrics from “No Body, No Crime.”
But it’s one thing to have Taylor Swift as your top artist, and another to land yourself in her top fans. This isn’t like other artists, where you’re competing against people who use Spotify Radio and listen to songs that are trending on TikTok. This is the literal Hunger Games of Spotify.
To be in the top listeners for Taylor Swift means you committed. You clocked in day after day, listening to Reputation when you’re pissed off, Folklore when you’re depressed, Midnights when you’re lonely and your vibrator finally broke.
They are not just a Taylor Swift listener, they are not just a Swiftie, they are the elite level and it is a terrifying thing. They are one Taylor Swift insult away from burning down someone’s house. Proceed with caution.
I say this as someone whose greatest life achievement is being in the top 0.01% of Taylor Swift listeners for 2021.
Wow, you’re so original and indie!
The real question is whether you were a fan of Phoebe Bridgers before she joined Boygenius, as this decides whether you’re a trendsetter or just a homiehopper.
You definitely only like them for their powerful lyrics and not at all for the barely bridled sexual tension between the three of them. You’re just a big fan of ART. Also, that he/they barista with a nose ring is not into you, so stop asking them for coffee recommendations and paying for whatever overpriced drink they suggest.
As someone who low-key spent most of 2023 too depressed to leave her house, I can safely confirm that anyone listening to Noah Kahan on a daily basis is not doing well. Lol.
Noah Kahan is the anthem of depressed girlies. He is what we listen to when we’re feeling sad, not to feel better, but to feel even more sad. I like to cry to Noah Kahan on a daily basis, weekly once the Lexapro kicked in.
If Noah Kahan is on someone’s list of top artists, you need to contact their therapist immediately. Or at least treat them to this Silly Little Seasonal Depression Starter Pack. They are not okay. They might have great taste in music, but not in exes, someone hurt them real bad.
Ah, a fellow 26-year-old teenager!! Despite being in the stage of life where Botox is no longer preventative, you still think you can relate to Olivia Rodrigo songs. She may as well have written “Driver’s License” for you given how much you hyperventilate when trying to parallel park.
You think that you’re a Gen Z, even though your hair keeps inching back into a side part. You bought cargo pants and think the teens are just laughing at how amazing and young you look. Your version of “bad idea, right?” is staying out past 11 pm and having two glasses of wine. He’s not a “vampire,” he’s a 32-year-old finance bro who wears gilets.
It’s time to grow up and book your own doctor appointments.
I have a feeling that we’ll see a resurgence of the BeyHive on Spotify Wrapped, thanks to the Renaissance World Tour.
This person happens to have bought a bunch of silver clothing (just because, ok?), also they will never ever be named Becky, even if their birth certificate claims they were.
These girlies will smile as they tear your world down, and then deny any knowledge of it. Screw with them and you’ll suddenly end up on every spam email list in existence. You’ll discover fake dating profiles with your contact details, and they’ll just keep popping up like Whac-a-Moles.
Lana del Rey
There is no denying that having Lana del Rey in your top artists is a sign of excellent taste, but it’s also a sign that someone hasn’t changed their music taste in the last decade. Listening to Lana is likely accompanied by skinny jeans and extremely long Starbucks orders.
You’re a loyal fan, but perhaps sometimes slightly too loyal, and willing to overlook certain things. This is the friend that will defend anything you do, as far as cyberbullying a 10-year-old or rear-ending another car. Oopsie! Lana fans are well-versed in turning a blind eye, and once you listen to “Did you know that there’s a tunnel under Ocean Blvd,” you’ll respect this choice. Also, they definitely googled if there is a tunnel there as soon as this album dropped.
Never let a Lana fan drive you anywhere though. Pay up for an Uber instead.
How is that gaping abyss of a personality going? Sorry, I honestly have nothing against Drake, I just can’t imagine him ever landing on someone’s list of top artists. Like he’s great and all, but to listen to every single day? While working? While working out? While crying about Global Warming and being unable to afford Ultra Mini Uggs? It just doesn’t work that way. This is like the beige of top artists. This is like when men claim Fight Club is their favorite film.
Hi, slay queen! Your graphic liner looks incredible!
Did you listen to “Kill Bill”? Like really listen to it? I don’t think SZA was joking about murdering her ex, and her fans aren’t either. They are bad bitches and you should not cross them. They won’t bother with anything as subtle as glitterbombing your apartment, they will straight up call your mom, and trust me, they’ll get her on their side in minutes. Key your car? Nah, they’ll take a baseball bat to your windows. Treat her well, treat her fucking well. If you don’t, get ready to change your name and move to Timbuktu.
As someone who can drunkenly recite the entirety of Hamilton, I say this with love: Run far away from anyone who has showtunes in their top genre.
They have not grown out of their theater kid phase, and by now, they never will. They pride themselves on being a *****thespian*****, and every road trip will be accompanied by an illegal recording of some niche little musical that never should’ve seen the light of day. They are undoubtedly counting down the days until Gwyneth Goes Skiing hits the West End.
They will dump you just for the plot.
They’re cool, they’re different, they’re just not like other girls/boys/theys.
This is someone who will always insist on connecting their phone to the aux cord. They will roll their eyes at your music taste. This gaslighting will bleed into all other aspects of your relationship, as they will always think their opinions are superior. They say that Taylor is overhyped, the Grammys are a scam, and music just isn’t what it used to be anymore. Also, they claim to have heard of Fred Again before ANYONE ELSE DID.
They could be a student studying for finals, they could be a secret Prince from Genovia looking to find love as a regular person, or they could be a serial killer. You really just don’t know! So take a gamble and discover whether classical music is a sign of a refined palette, or a taste for your blood. It’s giving Edward in Twilight.
It’s basic, and you know what? We love basic. Their screen time hits double digits on a daily basis. They are the first to know any TikTok trend and will force it down everyone’s throats – it’s corn!!!! They get their music recommendations from tweens on the internet, and begged their parents for money to get tickets for the Eras Tour. They were unsuccessful, so spent this money on the Folklore cardigan instead.
I’m terrified to speak out against K-Pop fans as they are a force to be reckoned with. Do not fuck with a K-Pop fan. I’d say that you’d live to regret it, but I don’t know if you’d live at all. They have brought down nations at the touch of a fingertip. Only respect for K-Pop fans (pls don’t come for me!!!)
So there’s no saying if Spotify will include this feature again, but last year the Moods section of Spotify Wrapped convinced me to reach out to my therapist again. My moods included angst, joy, and dramatic. Talk about unstable mood swings.
Be wary of anyone with “hopeless romantic” or “wistful” in their moods. This person is delulu. They are living in a fantasy world where their ex will come running back and declare their love for them in the rain. They are not to be trusted.
Alternatively, anyone whose music taste is literally deemed by Spotify to b “‘happy” is also a red flag. How can someone only listen to happy music? Do they not have to work a 9 to 5 like the rest of us? No one can be that happy, even with a massive dose of Lexapro.
Total Play Time
Last year when I posted my annual Taylor Swift stats, also known as a statistical analysis of my self-worth, or more locally as my Spotify Wrapped, I received a message that shocked me to my very core. Someone expressed that I had listened to more minutes of Taylor Swift than they had listened to music in total that year.
Apparently, some people don’t use music to distract from their thoughts and the bane of their existence? This is a warning sign if I’ve ever seen one.
If someone’s total play time is under 50,000 minutes, they are too stable to properly empathize with you. And if it is under 40,000 minutes, this is someone who never owned a Wii and whose parents are definitely not divorced.