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30 Red Flags In Your Crush's Spotify Wrapped That Will Make You Glad You're Single

Sure, you’re not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but Spotify Wrapped is a different beast entirely. Like old folks always say, music is a window into the soul or some bullshit like that. So, now is the perfect opportunity to stalk your crushes, situationships, and not-so-regrettable hook-ups to gather all the info you need to safeguard your heart. 

According to Spotify, listeners created over 200,000 “break-up” playlists this year. Recognizing these red flags might just save you from streaming them on Valentine’s Day 2024. I mean, I wouldn’t wish “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” on my worst enemy. 

Remember, EDM is not a phase! These are grown people with terrible taste! Trust them when they show this very embarassing side of themselves. Godspeed. 

 

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  1. If Drake is their top artist 
  2. #1 Podcast is Joe Rogan 🤢
  3. Kanye. Just in general.
  4. Any EDM. Like ALL house music. If his name is Brett, you should’ve known better.  
  5. Men’s Motivational Affirmations (Affirmations are for the femmes and thems only!!!) 
  6. If all of their top songs are from TikTok trends. Pls get a personality. 
  7. They refer to their taste as “coastal cowgirl.” I promise you, she’s not hot enough to treat you like that.
  8. If they’ve played Justin Bieber’s “Sorry” in the double digits. Who did you hurt? 
  9. “Box fan noise for sleep.” Welcome to Dissociation Station, party of one. 
  10. The guy who wrote the Oppenheimer score is their top artist. We get it. You like films
  11. Their Spotify Wrapped tarot card is “Shapeshifter” or “Vampire.” I think that’s pretty self-explanatory.
  12. If they used the “fan mail” feature to actually thank Drake as their top artist. 
  13. “Wonderwall” is their most played song 
  14. Taylor Swift isn’t in their top artists 
  15. They listened to 4,309 minutes of Boygenius. Check in with them. They’re clearly going through something. 
  16. They only listened to like 532 minutes of music this year. Are they an insane person who is comfortable sitting with their own thoughts? Psychotic behavior. 
  17. They listened to over 95,000 minutes of music. That’s like 66 days nonstop. When was the last time they interacted with a human being? 
  18. Top genre is Ska but they’ve never watched the movie Shrek
  19. They were one of the 75% of men who created a playlist related to the Roman Empire. Do you really want to listen to “Viva La Vida” by Coldplay when you walk down the aisle?
  20. Most played album is Taylor Swift but it’s not Taylor’s Version. (Scooter Braun apologist!)
  21. Brags about being a top 0.5% listener of Eminem
  22. They have zero female artists across their entire Spotify Wrapped  
  23. They have a “pickleball-related playlist.” Sure, they’re rich but they’re also old enough to be your grandparent.
  24. Editing their Spotify Wrapped to show R Kelly as a joke. Haha, you’re not funny. 
  25. The top .001% of Travis Scott listeners but has never watched The Kardashians
  26. They make their Spotify Wrapped their entire personality for the rest of the year. 
  27. They try to use Spotify Wrapped to slide into your DMs. “I also liked the Barbie Soundtrack.” 
  28. Top genre is “Rap Caviar.” What does that even mean?! 
  29. They listened to “Succession (Main Title Theme)” 3,000 times. Typically at the gym.
  30. They use Apple Music
Melanie Whyte
Melanie Whyte
Melanie Whyte (she/her) leads the lifestyle and relationship verticals at Betches. As an amateur New Yorker and professional bisexual, she enjoys writing about the bane of sex and relationships in the city. She is also perpetually in her messy house era despite spending all of her money on Instagram ads.