On last week’s episode of Jersey Shore, The Situation revealed that he wanted to propose to his girlfriend Lauren. Understandably, he’d like to lock her down before he gets locked up. And what do ya know, the next day US Weekly exclusively revealed that the Situation is engaged! What surprising and fortuitous timing. After hearing the Sitch’s engagement announcement I got to thinking about the rest of the castmates relationships post-filming. Did Ronnie’s baby mama castrate him for swapping STD’s with a rando who wears her nipples as an accessory? Is Sammi still happily dating her new guido? And most importantly, has Vinny ditched that skinny girl from the premiere so we can finally be together? Let’s investigate!
As mentioned above, The Situation is officially engaged. US Weekly blessed us with photos from their engagement, so head on over there if you’d like to throw up a little in your mouth. Apparently he proposed on Valentine’s Day in Miami, and chose a 3-carat cushion cut diamond in an 18-karat rose gold setting that cost him *wait for it* $65,000!
The IRS after reading this article:
Way to lie low, Mike. Don’t you think with the threat of incarceration looming perhaps you should be less obvious about the money you stole from the government? Just a thought from a bitchy but law-abiding citizen over here. I mean whatever, enjoy your prison chapel wedding I guess. At least we know orange is a flattering color on the Sitch!
After watching Ronnie fondle a woman dressed in one large fishnet stocking, I thought for sure his relationship was over. But his social media has been mostly normal posts about the show and his new daughter, Ariana, and I hadn’t read any hospital reports about meatheads being admitted after their girlfriend attempted to cut their dick off. I assumed all was well.
But friends, all you must do is ask nicely and the universe will deliver. Yesterday, Ronnie and his baby mama Jen got INTO it over social media. Ronnie accused her of keeping sex tapes of another guy and refusing to delete them. And Jen said “Can’t turn a cokehead into a father!!” So clearly they’re having problems, huh? I wish someone would be able to break through all the cocaine and steroids and get through to Ronnie to let him know things on the internet live forever. Poor little Ariana Sky is going to stumble across this one day, and wasn’t it bad enough that she’ll learn on a Jersey Shore rerun she only exists because her dad thinks pulling out is an effective birth control method? Hopefully she’ll be pretty because with these parents she sure ain’t gonna be smart.
As Ronnie said on the first episode of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation, “I’ll always be a shitty boyfriend and a shitty husband, but I’ll never be a shitty dad.” And while I don’t believe that last part is true, he sure did prove himself right on the first part.
Even though Sammi is not on the show, her presence still looms large in the form of a partially dressed sex doll that Ronnie verbally abuses everyday. It looks like she is very happy with her replacement Ron, whose name I have not seen but whose chest I could now pick out of very strange police lineup.
She looks happy and like the PTSD has faded, so I truly hope she hasn’t seen Ron’s coked up drunken confession of love and question herself. Stay strong, sister!
And finally, I’d be remiss if I did not investigate the relationship of everyone’s favorite Keto Guido, my boy Vin. When we saw him in the premiere, Vinny introduced us to “Instagram Model” Elicea Shyann, who definitely never ate Sunday dinner at the Guadagnino house.
But, I have good news for all the Vinny groupies out there: he announced to Entertainment Tonight that they have broken up! Hooray! Vinny blamed the lack of access to technology while filming Family Vacation and the stress of long-distance. And I guess writing letters is not an option for the illiterate. Sad! Anyways, Vinny, I’m willing to give us a shot if you’re willing to venture off Staten Island. I’m not fucking going there. No offense, sweetie!
So there you have it! They all got their happily ever afters. And by happily ever afters, I mean the trash futures they absolutely deserved. If you all need me, I’ll just be over here waiting for Vinny’s call.
Update: Ronnie and his girlfriend are now broken up. Probably for the best.
Images: Giphy (2); Instagram, Sammisweetheart (2); Instagram, vinnyguadagnino; Author (1)