Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link and purchase a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.
I’ve had half a dozen pumpkin-spiced lattes, I’ve discussed fall movies to death, and I’m already bored of watching football games for a glimpse of Taylor Swift, meaning that it’s time to welcome home my seasonal depression.
I am entering my Bella in New Moon era, where I grumpily stare out of a window and refuse to answer any messages or phone calls. My serotonin is lower than Tom Sandoval’s ratings and my motivation is as non-existent as Rachel’s bra in the early seasons of Friends. It’s time to whip out my annual Seasonal Depression Starter Pack to get us moody girlies through the season.
A Complete Twilight Rewatch
I always know my seasonal depression is creeping back when I have the sudden, inexplicable urge to rewatch all of the Twilight movies. They’re masterpieces — there’s no other word for it. Rewatching these lengthy movies and immersing myself in Edward’s intense glare, Bella’s lip bites (GOD, THE LIP BITES), Jacob’s abs, and the banging soundtrack is the only thing I want to do this weekend.
Vitamin D Light
It’ll come as no surprise that I can’t speak on the science behind Vitamin D Lights, but I can tell you that they provide the best glow for selfies. Nothing improves my mood like taking a little selfie and being able to pretend my skin is flawless. Plus, I get to feel very smug as I switch on my Vitamin D Light and pensively sip my coffee. You can probably tell that my light is on as we speak. Yeah, I’m THAT girl.
As much as I’d love to meet the man, as a big dose of Noah Kahan surely would cure my seasonal depression, I’ll settle for his music for now. I can’t decide if Noah Kahan is making my depression better or worse. I do sob uncontrollably when listening to him, but at least I’m releasing some pent-up emotions, right?
Noah Kahan makes THE seasonal depression music. Fall? I think you mean the Season of the Sticks, babe. Blast Noah Kahan on repeat as you shower, walk, cry, cook, work, cry, jog, and cry. He even partnered up with Lizzy McAlpine to make what is literally the saddest song in existence. What a gift.
My tired body is screaming for sweatpants, but I won’t give in just yet. If we have any hope of making it through fall, we need to stay out of sweatpants for daylight hours. Don’t worry, those are getting shorter and shorter, so you’ll end up in sweatpants soon enough.
This is when cargo pants enter the picture. They’re comfortable enough to trick your body into thinking you’re wearing sweatpants, but you can pretend they’re trendy and fashionable! I recently got my first pair of cargo pants, and I feel like a 26-year-old teenager strutting around in them. I can tell the teen girls think I’m really cool and are definitely not laughing about me as I shuffle past them.
It is asking a lot of me to keep cooking during this period and not just rely solely on DoorDash. So to ask me to wash more than one pot is out of the question. Henceforth, I will only be cooking one-pot recipes. As Taylor Alison Swift once said, THIS IS ME TRYING!!!!
I will be making Gigi Hadid’s penne vodka pasta at least twice a week. And for the rest of the days, I will be eating the leftovers of it. This is not up for discussion, thank you kindly.
An Extreme Amount of Silly Little Coffees
Right now, the only thing I have to look forward to in life is the new season of VPR, and that will only keep me distracted for so long. I need a reason to get out of my house. Walking is supposedly very good for depression, but I need a place to walk to. That’s where silly little coffees come into play.
The foundation of any seasonal depression starter pack is overpriced coffees. It doesn’t count as a frivolous expense as it is currently the cornerstone of your sanity. You deserve these ridiculously priced, ridiculously named coffees. That Cinnamon Dolce Latte With Oat Milk and An Extra Shot of Espresso, No, My Name is Fleurine, Not Flo Rida, Okay, Just Write Fleur, Thank You is going to get you out of the house and on to better things, I guarantee it.
Not to brag, but I joined the fringe committee back in February before everyone else jumped ship when Daisy Jones and the Six came out. I think it’s time you joined us. Nothing screams mental breakdown like changing your hair. Now that summer is over, you can get full bangs without worrying about them sticking to your forehead with sweat.
You will regret it 95% of the time, as they will never lay right, always inexplicably create a weird middle part, get greasy literally two minutes after you last washed them, and hold you back from doing cool slicked-back hair looks. But for the other 5% of the time, you’ll get to smugly blink from behind your Shetland pony fringe and know you’re better than everyone else.
I attribute my bangs to keeping me on this side of sanity, and I guarantee it’ll increase your serotonin levels exponentially.
Smutty Fantasy Books
Life is not going very slay right now, I’ll be the first to admit it. So why stay in my boring life when I could escape into smutty fantasy books? I can spend hours reading about a boring, average-looking (yeah, sure) girl who somehow defeats all the powers of evil and has two 500-year-old Fae males lusting after her. She’s just quirky like that, I guess.
Right now, the only realistic goal I have in life is to complete my yearly reading challenge. Goodreads is the only person who still tries to hold me accountable for things. I am devouring smutty fantasy books like there is no tomorrow. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to venture back into the dating pool, depression or no depression, as I now have a penchant for winged men who growl, apparently. Big shoutout to all my SJM girlies!
If I’m going to spend 95% of my time at home, it may as well smell delicious in here and not like penne vodka all the time. I am going to treat scented candles like my own personal stock market. I am a 26-year-old teenager and obviously don’t know how the stock market works (no thanks to The Big Short), so I am going to assume it means that I continuously keep buying and burning candles.
I grew up in the kind of household where you buy nice candles and never ever burn them. I will not subject myself to that torture again. It’s the season of SCENTED CANDLES! Bonus points if you can find ones with names like, “What The Fuck Am I Doing With My Life?” and “I’m Sure Everyone Cries This Much.”
Raw Cookie Dough
I don’t have it in me to actually bake something, but I need sugar to trick my brain into thinking we can be happy. I’m going to be bingeing a lot of shows this fall, and so cookie dough is a necessity.
A fun trick I recently learned is to freeze cookie dough in little ice cream scoop servings. Then, whenever you’re craving it, voila, it’s right there! I guess you could also cook the raw dough each time and have a portion of cookies, but that sounds like a lot of effort to me.
A Shower Speaker
If you’re going to cry in the shower, you should at least listen to music while you sob. I got a little Bluetooth shower speaker and I don’t know how I ever managed without it. To think that I used to just play my sad little music from my sad little phone. Now I can blast it out on my speaker and really get into the emotional bridge of “driver’s license.” It even has fun little lights to make my own personal pity party.
Warning: Expect very high water bills, but feel free to forward them to your ex as “compensation for emotional damages.”