Miss Taylor Alison Swift did exactly the opposite of what she once promised and went for the guy on the football team. While I’m relieved that we no longer have to feign an interest in Joe’s movies, I didn’t expect to spend my weekends watching NFL games. But these are the things we do for the people we love. So as a Swiftie, we now have a duty to support the Chiefs and pretend to understand American football.
This may seem like an impossible task, but if you can sing the bridge of “Death By A Thousand Cuts” at double speed or recite the entirety of “All Too Well” (10 Minute Version) (Taylor’s Version), then this should be child’s play. Literally, it’s just little boys throwing around a ball. But to make things a little easier, I’ve compiled a Swiftie’s guide to American football.
1. Who are all these people on the field?
There are 22 players on the field during a football game. Coincidence? I don’t think so.
That’s 11 on each team, so just think two less than Taylor’s lucky number. They can have fewer players than this but definitely not more.
Our boy, Travis, is a Tight End. Sounds like a naughty term, but it really isn’t. I’m also relieved that it’s a little less cliche than Miss Americana dating a Quarterback.
A Tight End is an offensive position, so Travis is trying to score more than just Taylor by the end of a game. They need to be big and bulky, like our boy is. The Tight End needs to catch the football and run away from linebackers. They’re not quite a “Mastermind” on the football field, but they get the job done.
2. Why are they tossing a coin?
Each game starts with a coin toss. “The Lucky One” gets to decide how to start the game. They’ve got four options:
- Defend a Zone
I’m not really sure what they’d pick and why, but just nod and murmur at the choice. Or do a little surprised “Ah!” to show it’s not what you’d have chosen, but you’re curious to see how it goes.
3. How long do we have to sit through this?
You need to make sure you’ve bought enough snacks to last and how much time to set aside for this new “hobby.” Don’t worry, it’s just four sets of 15 minutes. In the middle of the game, there will be a halftime, where the two teams go back to their locker room to strategize and cry if things aren’t going well. Halftime usually lasts 12 minutes, so you can refill your drink and then play “All Too Well” (10 Minute Version) (Taylor’s Version).
Whoever wins at the end of the four quarters wins the match. They’re the “Superstar” of this game. And as a Swiftie, we always want that to be the Chiefs. No matter who they’re playing. And if they’re not playing, why are you bothering to watch?
4. Do they just kick the ball?
Yeah, it’s basically a lot of kicking. The players face off in a poor imitation of “Bad Blood,” then one team kicks the football to start the game and the other receives it. Whoever kicks the first time is the team to receive it the second time. They’re good at taking turns and sharing.
Kickoff teams go in a straight line with the kicker in the middle. They kick it, the others try to return the ball, and then as soon as someone is tackled, the other people swarm onto the field like Swifties at a merchandise stand.
There is a lot of tackling, which is very satisfying. Just imagine the men being tackled are John Mayer fans or claim Taylor had too many boyfriends. (It’ll make it so much more satisfying.
5. How do they score?
When a player gets the football, they either run or pass it. If they’re running, they’re basically just sprinting forward and hoping not to be tackled. They’re aiming to move the ball past the 10-yard marker on repeat until they score points.
So we want Travis or the other offensive Chiefs to get the ball past the thick white goal line. Then we cheer very loudly. A touchdown is worth six points. When they get a touchdown, they get the chance to get extra points by kicking a field goal or going for a two-point conversion (running it all again). It’s like when Taylor releases a deluxe version of an album with two extra songs.
6. Are the Chiefs any good?
This is the only team you actually need to know. The Kansas City Chiefs are our new favs. They seem to be doing pretty well, as they beat the Chicago Bears this weekend. Obviously, that was due to the holy presence of Taylor Alison Swift in the stands. The players couldn’t keep their eyes off her.
Travis’ number is 87, so feel free to get a jersey with that, or even get it tattooed onto your skin. This is going to be “End Game,” I can feel it. Aside from Travis, the other players don’t seem like too much trouble, and we can support Chris Jones, Patrick Mahomes, and the rest of them.
7. What do I wear to a football game?
Bestie, it does not take much to look good at a football game, I promise you that. But if in doubt, take inspiration from Miss Swift herself. She looked classic in a white top, black pants, and red jacket. And don’t forget that red lippy. You’ll be endlessly reapplying with all you’re drinking, but it’s worth it to pay tribute to the icon.
Get a Chiefs jersey and get it FAST, as those babies will be selling out. Taylor has really put Travis Kelce on the map, as before now, no one had any idea who he was. Thank God Taylor is here to save the institution of American football and make people actually care about it.