I’m not gonna lie, this season of Riverdale has been lit AF. Especially last week’s episode when we got to see several musical dance numbers from
Grease an illegal street car race for the fate of Riverdale, as one does. Also, Bughead reunited, and Veronica literally cheered over the fact that bodily harm came to her ex-boyfriend (which is the most relatable thing I’ve seen on this show in a long-ass time, tbh). This week, though, despite the fact that I’ve waited two fucking weeks to see an actual Bughead reunion and not just a vague 30 second scene of them sitting on a couch, not much actually happened. I’m more disappointed in this than my mom was at Thanksgiving when she found out that I still don’t have a boyfriend. But whatever, we all have our crosses to bear, and I guess mine is downloading 11 computer viruses to illegally watch a mediocre episode of a show whose target audience is 14-year-old girls in training bras.
The episode opens with what can only be described as a junior’s attempt at making a documentary on iMovie. I didn’t realize The CW’s budget rested somewhere between “my parents just got me a Mac for Christmas” and “this is my second semester as a film major.” Good to know, though.
Wow, I can’t decide what’s more terrifying rn, the actual words on the screen about how The Black Hood is about to terrorize Riverdale or this shitty editing. It’s really 50/50 at this point.
HOLD UP. Why is Betty wearing Jughead’s clothes and cuddling with him in his BED?? Did they fucking sleep together? Did Betty finally lose her virginity in that trailer?! I swear to God if The CW cheated me out of hot Bughead makeup sex, then there will be hell to pay. And by “hell to pay” I mean I will quietly seethe about this until next week’s episode, because I’m a lazy asshole.
Anyway, back to Betty in Jughead’s bed. If you’ll recall, when we last left off, Betty threatened The Black Hood and then immediately texted her ex because apparently nothing turns her on like psychological warfare with psychopaths.
THE BLACK HOOD: *threatens everyone Betty knows and loves*
Penny Peabody, aka the one person FP told Jughead not to contact under any circumstances, meets Jughead for breakfast at Pop’s.
JUGHEAD: What’s up? My dad told me not to trust you?
PENNY PEABODY: I’m gonna need you to trust me.
Is it just me, or is she looking at him like he’s an underage snack? She knows he just got his driver’s license, like, yesterday, right?
Penny makes some vague threat about how FP is getting the shit kicked out of him in prison and how Jughead has to make it right now. She asks him to pick up a “crate” for her, which doesn’t at all sound like it’s illegal drugs. Nope, not at all.
Oh Jesus Christ. OF COURSE Jughead asks Archie to be his number two for tonight’s mission. Clearly, he’s learned nothing from last week.
Archie is acting like that one friend who doesn’t drink because it “changes you” but still insists on coming out to the bars and being a giant fucking buzzkill all night. He’s like, “Jughead make good choices,” and I’m just like, but did he say shit to you when you were running around filming
homo erotic porn Red Circle videos with the football team? No? Then please shut the fuck up.
Also, lol that Archie thinks the two of them can move to NYC together and live in the East Village as artists. K. Call me when you figure out how much rent for a two bedroom in Manhattan costs! And B & V living on Park Ave. If those bitches can get a spot on Park Ave—and that’s a big if—then they 100 percent would not be dating you peasants. Please.
Anddd Archie’s truck breaks down. That’s right, his sole purpose for being on this little outing was to provide the transportation, and he literally can’t even do that right.
Oh, so now we’re hitchhiking the rest of the way? That’s v v smart, boys. I’ve only seen this episode of Law & Order six million times, and I know it’s going to end with Jughead calling some big guy “daddy.”
I sincerely hope this creepy fucking man who offered Jughead a ride is on drugs or something rn. That’s literally the only excuse for his paranoid AF behavior.
He keeps talking about a “reaper” who terrorized Riverdale years ago and how it makes his blood run cold thinking about it. Idk though. His mouth says, “horrified,” but his facial expressions are saying, “might blow a load talking about all this murder stuff.”
Wow, that is the fastest I have ever seen Triple A work in my whole damn life. Normally, when I call and say I’m stranded and alone and to please hurry, they’re just like, “sounds like a personal problem to me.”
Archie and Jughead finally get to the drop location, and the mother/son from The Goonies greets them.
ACTUAL FOOTAGE OF THE WAREHOUSE RN:
Mrs. Fratelli is just like, “You’re in the game for life now, Jughead, and so is your little redheaded friend too,” but it’s really hard for me to take her and her French beret seriously.
Jughead goes to visit his dad in prison and FP is… fine. Like, no bruises and he clearly wasn’t in any fight, which means Penny Peabody lied. Imagine that.
Meanwhile, we find out that Josie has a stalker who keeps leaving her creepy little gifts like teddy bears with “I’m watching you” notes on them. I’m v concerned that no one else is concerned about this. Everyone is just like, could be The Black Hood, could be a secret admirer, but who can really say??
Lol that Chuck Clayton, aka Mr. Sticky Maple, is her secret admirer. Finding out that the only person to express any romantic interest in you is actually a gross sexual harasser is the most relatable thing I’ve seen happen all episode.
Chuck is like, “I’ve changed. I go to church now.” I guess nothing scares you into being a decent human being like a psycho white girl in a wig.
YO. CHERYL IS THE CREEPY STALKER?? I. Am. Shooketh. Wow, that girl is a fucking psycho, and I love it. I can’t believe she
went full on Regina George planted incriminating evidence against Chuck just so she could have her BFF all to herself. That’s insane and also fucking diabolical.
JOSIE: *does one thing by herself*
ME: *whispers* She’s fucking insane.
ALSO ME: *jots down notes*
Meanwhile, Betty and all of Reddit is convinced that Sheriff Keller is actually The Black Hood. Kevin says his dad is acting weird AF, which Betty takes to mean he’s actually committing murders in his spare time. Naturally.
BETTY: He’s 100 percent The Black Hood. There’s no other explanation!!
VERONICA: Or, like, maybe he’s just having an affair? Doesn’t that seem more realistic?
BETTY: Nah, that doesn’t make sense.
Betty is, like, practically glowing now that she thinks she’s figured out who the person murdering everyone around town is. I have a similar look after I’ve backwards stalked my Bumble date to his 8th grade Bar Mitzvah, but to each their own.
Veronica invites Kevin to a sleepover at his own house with the sole intent to snoop through his dad’s private shit in the chicest fucking pajamas I have ever seen. She doesn’t discover any evidence that he’s The Black Hood, but she does discover that he is a certified snack. I’d say that search was a success.
I love how in movies and TV everyone thinks girls can just open doors with spare bobby pins. Like, I can barely find one of those things when I actually need one, much less to break into a house to solve a mystery.
Sheriff Keller catches Betty breaking into his home office, and I legit can’t wait to see how she explains this one to him. I’m sure she’ll just self-righteously say he gave her no choice because he’s been acting
shady AF like a police officer doing his job.
Is it typical practice for the police to actively prove they aren’t murderers to high school juniors? Are those pictures not classified evidence in an ongoing police investigation? WHERE IS ADA BARBA WHEN YOU NEED HIM.
Because Betty can never let anything go ever, she forces Veronica to help her follow Sheriff Keller, and what do you know: He’s having an affair! Just like Veronica said he was! How about that. Betty is having a serious come-to-Jesus moment with herself about being wrong, and I’m just like, you can’t really be that surprised. He’s a white dude in power stepping out on his mistress. That’s like, the most popular kind of white dude to be right now.
The whole gang is at Pop’s Diner, sitting at separate booths, actively ignoring each other. The future of friendship, people; isn’t it beautiful?
The Black Hood calls the diner and makes Pop announce that the entire town of Riverdale is just a bunch of sinners, and they’re all in for it now. Why he called the local diner and not the police station or a local news affiliate is
beyond me something I’m about to take up with the Riverdale writers.
As I said, the episode was meh, and I better see a fucking reckoning next week or else
I’m out I will have to talk shit about it with my 14-year-old cousin. Your move, CW. Your move.