Sometimes, I think that hibernating for three months would solve all of my problems. That might be the depression talking, but it’s also the fact that most of us do not get enough sleep, whether that’s the result of stress, TikToks, alcohol, gym sessions, or… your partner. Yep, your partner can have quite an impact on the quality of your sleep. That, in turn, definitely affects the quality of your relationship. Try swearing to love someone forever when they kept you up all night with their snoring or hard-on. 

In recent times, sleep divorces have been getting a lot of attention as people discover that some couples actively choose to sleep separately (and don’t immediately go to hell for it). There are a lot of contrasting opinions about choosing to sleep in different beds, but one thing has become apparent: many of us just take our sleep issues for granted. No longer, as now is the time to sort out your relationship sleep problems for a happier life and a happier relationship. To make it easier, we’ve rounded up all of your problems and the best solutions for each scenario. Happy slumber!

How do you bring up the topic of sleep with your partner?

Somehow I’ve found it more challenging to tell a partner to stop cuddling me than to admit they can’t find my clit. Idk, sleep just feels so personal? Like, they’re unconscious. Dr. Terri Orbuch (PhD), Relationship Expert at DatingAdvice and Distinguished Professor, has some tips for approaching this conversation. 

“It is important to consider that when one partner brings up the topic of changing sleep habits, it may not be well received by the other partner,” Dr. Terri admits. “They can take it personally and see it as a sign of trouble in your relationship. As a society, we are taught (and viewed on television and movies) that couples who care about each other also sleep in a bed together.”

Here are Dr. Terri’s top tips for handling the sleepy conversation:

• Step 1: Tell your partner that you really care about them. Share how much you appreciate them and your relationship. (It is important to start out positive; affirm and validate your partner and your relationship. Your partner is less likely to become defensive and upset when you bring up the challenge in step 2.)
• Step 2: Share your concerns about your lack of adequate sleep and how that is taking a toll on you physically and mentally. (Be sure to use your “I” language and share your concerns with your partner.)
• Step 3: Ask them how the two of you can resolve this challenge. What does your partner suggest they consider? (Oftentimes, when we ask our partner to help us with a solution, it becomes a joint discussion and solution, rather than you telling them what has to be).
• Step 4: In the conversation, if couples do decide to sleep in separate rooms/beds, it is key that they discuss and find ways to connect (physically and emotionally) outside the bedroom. 

Your Sleep Problems, Our Expert Solutions

Blankets being monopolized

Problem: I am a blanket hog. I first discovered this about myself in a serious relationship when I’d be woken up by my ex angrily pulling the duvet back. It seems I have a habit of cocooning myself in it. I think it comes from my unstable childhood and lack of emotional security, but that’s just me. It used to drive my ex MAD, and I’d get woken up by him snatching the blanket back and telling me off — sorry!!! Now I overcompensate by throwing the duvet back at the other person unconsciously to avoid hogging it; I gave my bestie quite the fright on a girl’s trip.

Solution: Easy, peezy, lemon margarita. Scandinavian blanket method!! No, don’t rush off to IKEA. I’m talking about having two duvets. It can be two single duvets or a slightly larger in-between size. Not only does this ensure you’re both covered throughout the night, but then you can roll yourself up like a burrito with no guilt. Some people find this very unromantic, but like, why? You’re still in the same bed and can cuddle away. In fact, it would’ve likely helped the romance of my last relationship lol. 

You’re a Light Sleeper 

Problem: Okay, as a fellow light sleeper, I feel your struggle!!! I am someone who, on average, wakes up multiple times a night. I never even realized how bad it was until I got a Fitbit, and she was like, “Girlie, no, girlie, NO!” But the only thing worse than being a light sleeper? Having a deep sleeper next to you, slumbering away and practically bragging about it. Crimes of passion make a lot of sense at 3 am. 

As a light sleeper, your key focus is on reducing stimulus. Yes, that includes your partner. You may love their face, body, and sounds during daylight hours, but at night they truly need to piss off immediately. 

Solution 1: An eye mask. I can hear you already saying that light isn’t the reason you’re waking up. Stop and listen to me, okay? A wraparound eye mask NOT ONLY blocks out daylight but also a bunch of other senses. You won’t notice someone moving next to you, you won’t accidentally wake yourself up as easily, and you won’t hear as much. I have a silk wraparound eye mask (gotta take care of that aging skin, am I right?), and I am NEVER EVER going back. It’s the only way I can sleep next to someone.

Solution 2: Mouth tape. Again, you’re trying to tell me that you don’t snore. Shut up. While it helps reduce snoring, mouth tape also encourages nasal breathing, which makes your body relax more. I’m on week two of mouth taping, and I am sleeping far deeper and waking up less.

Solution 3: Tammy Adams, a Spiritual Life Coach and Shaman, urges people to examine that period of time before they even try to sleep. “If you’re unable to sleep soundly with your partner, remember to go back to the start and meditate on heart frequency. This helps create a great flow of energy before you go to bed,” Tammy tells me. “Talk before you go to bed, don’t watch TV, don’t read a book. Communication is surprisingly still a very effective solution that helps your mind relax and your heart be warmed.” Alternatively, turn it into a naked kind of talking, as orgasms have been shown to help you sleep better.

Solution 4: Bye-bye, baby. Okay, this is a last resort. Firstly, try just getting some space in your bed. Avoid cuddling when you’re trying to drift off, as their proximity may wake you up easily. Instead, take to your sides of the bed. You can still cuddle before and after sleepy time, just not during it. Or if you really are not getting your shut-eye, maybe it’s time to consider a sleep divorce — no judgment.

A night owl dating an early bird

Problem: Again, this is a feature of my last relationship. So, this can be quite a point of contention in relationships. I swear night owls and early birds are always drawn to each other. 

First things first: it’s a mistake to instantly assume the night owl has to adapt. As a society, we’re far too hard on night owls, just like introverts, and we presume early morning is always better. Some people are more productive in the evening or have different sleep cycles. This can be adjusted to a degree, but not for everyone. So don’t just assume the night owl has to change. And I say this as a total early bird myself — never expect to see me past 10 pm. 

Solution 1: Acceptance. You can have different sleep schedules if that’s what works better for you. Daytime hours together are far more important than nighttime hours. But if you’re missing prime cuddle time, set that aside. My ex used to come cuddle with me for a bit when I had my early sleep time and then go back to what they liked to do in the evening. Then, in the morning, I’d give them a quick hug and kiss before getting up for the day. Or have cuddle time on the couch at another point in the day. 

Solution 2: If the issue is that someone coming or leaving the bed at a very different time disrupts the other person, then it’s about reducing their impact. Again, a wraparound eye mask can help with this, as can ear plugs — the right ones are very comfortable! Also, it could be a matter of reducing their impact. Ask the person to keep their pajamas or clothes for the morning in the bathroom so they’re just quickly slipping into bed or exiting the room. 

Solution 3: If the guilt of waking up your partner is impacting you, or you’re finding your schedule being severely disrupted, then it may be time to consider a sleep divorce.

“It is important to understand that a sleep divorce doesn’t mean that you don’t like or love your partner,” Dr. Terri explained. “It doesn’t mean that you don’t want to be with your partner. It is when a couple sleeps in separate rooms/beds because they are not able to sleep together in the same bed – and really “literally” sleep. I think the term can be misleading because typically “divorce” means that two partners are no longer in a romantic relationship.” Dr. Terri believes that a sleep divorce allows you to get enough sleep, reduce conflict, have time to miss each other, and “think outside the box” when it comes to sex.

One man’s oven is another man’s freezer

Problem: Like many women, I love putting my cold feet between my partner’s thighs heehee, my type of foot kink, honestly. But a temperature difference can be a real issue. No one wants to be sweating out their soul onto their sheets, and no one wants to be shivering into the depths of the night. When the thermostat becomes a battlefield, what can you do to reduce the carnage?

Solution: Scandinavian it! Once again, separate duvets for the win, and not only because one of you could kick theirs off while the other cocoons. But separate duvets mean you can have different types of duvets. One can be a thicker winter duvet, while the other is a light, breezy blanket. Voila! 

Zero sex is occurring in that bed

Problem: Let’s talk about sex, baby!!! Namely, when you’re not having any — ruh roh. First and foremost, there is nothing ‘normal’ when it comes to sex (especially in my bed). If you and your partner are both comfortable with a minimal sex life, don’t feel it HAS to change. But if you’re struggling with this lack of sex and hoping to fix it, then here are some ideas. Most importantly, talk about it!! Don’t be embarrassed. You may be surprised by what you learn in the process.

This isn’t an issue to ignore, especially according to Tammy. “Intimacy should not be put on the back burner,” she tells Betches. “Built-up frustration begins to create even deeper sleep issues when lacking intimacy. We become creatures of habit, thinking it’s best to be intimate before bed or early morning. Why not pick a time during the day? Be more spontaneous when being passionate and bringing spice back into your life! Focus on your root chakra and focus on the passionate connection missing between you and your partner.”

Solution 1: Schedule. Don’t roll your eyes at me, young lady. Scheduling can be hot. Nothing gets me worked up like a brand-new planner. This is particularly helpful if conflicting schedules/sleep times are the issue. Plan in sex and stick to it. Get in the mood together. (Obviously, if you don’t want to when the time rolls around, don’t force yourself!!). Knowing when you’ll have sex can take a lot of the effort out of the matter and encourage time together. It might involve one of the two compromising for mornings or evenings or trying an afternoon delight (my fav).

Solution 2: Leave the bedroom. If contrasting schedules mean you’re barely in bed together, stop relying on that setting for sexy times. Some people love shower sex, and other people love doing it against the sink. Sex on a couch, a dining table, a kitchen counter, or wherever else. Sometimes, you want to find that intimacy somewhere else, so just go with it.

Solution 3: Bring back the fun. If sex isn’t happening and you’re not really sure why, it might be time to make sex fun again!! Sometimes, in long-term relationships, sex can start to feel like a chore or expectation, and it’s easy to fall into the same rhythm. Spice it up! That could be bringing a toy in, trying new positions, a touch of role play, discussing fantasies, watching porn, doing a challenge, masturbating together, adding music, or whatever else floats your boat. Don’t be afraid to be silly and giggle; you’re in this together, so just focus on that connection. 

The yapping doesn’t stop in their sleep

Problem: By now, you’re probably realizing that I am a terrible person to sleep beside. And to that, I say no, I’m actually just an all-around terrible person. Sleeping next to someone who yaps can be a lil scary, and in the middle of the night, it can very much seem like demonic possession. I’ve heard it can also be annoying.

Solution 1: Mouth tape. Shut that yapper up at the source. Plus, it might even sculpt your jaw in the process!

Solution 2: If, for some reason, mouth tape isn’t an option (lame), go for earplugs. Again, these don’t have to be uncomfortable! I don’t know why people always think this is the case. Invest in a good pair; your sleep is worth it. 

SOMEONE keeps snoring (not pointing fingers)

Problem: Okay, no snore-shaming here!!! Sometimes people snore. They may have a deviated septum, throat issues, a really bad cold, or be drunk as a skunk. I don’t know the reasoning, but it isn’t their fault. But while we can have compassion, we can also recognize that being kept up by snoring is NOT THE VIBE. So, let’s find some solutions so we can all get our beauty sleep.

Solution 1: Mouth tape (literally, sponsor me already) or nose strips. Once again, I’m preaching mouth tape! This helps a lot of classic snorers. If that’s not the vibe, try nose strips, which can also reduce snoring.

Solution 2: Change your sleeping position. I’m not just talking about that age-old trick of pushing them onto their side as you try to shove a snoring buffalo over. I mean, actually changing things up. Certain pillows, or sleeping with an extra one under your head, can help reduce snoring. Additionally, going to sleep on your side can help. If you struggle to fall asleep this way and not moving back, make the snorer the little spoon to encourage the position.

Solution 3: Ear plugs. Look, if you really can’t stand their snoring and nothing seems to be working, get some earplugs. Being kept awake by snoring is not good for your relationship or sleep habits. A worthy sacrifice, in my humble opinion.

To cuddle or not to cuddle

Problem: While I love some [naked] touching while I’m awake, I cannot fall asleep with someone wrapped around me. Sorry, I know it’s not very demure or cutesy, but I’d rather you stick to your side of the bed unless you’re required to warm my feet!! But being a cuddler or non-cuddler can be a very divisive thing in relationships, so what do you do if you’re on different ends of the hugging spectrum?

Solution 1: Obviously, express your needs. I like cuddling right up to when I actually want to sleep. Then it’s a very nice “Goodnight,” kiss, and rollover. Then, in the mornings, cuddles are back (if they bring me coffee in bed)! Make sure to communicate that this isn’t anything personal but just about sleeping well and that you still very much appreciate them being in your bed. 

Solution 2: Separate duvets can actually help with this one as well! What??? Well, whipping out my psychology degree here, but having your own duvets can make cuddling feel less claustrophobic and reduce the sensory impact. You have a duvet between your bodies, so they still get the intimacy of proximity, while you’re not overly aware of their skin on yours and can fall asleep.