Realistic Alternatives For Your Overly Ambitious New Year's Resolutions

It’s a new year, which means I am going to be writing dates wrong on emails for at least a month, and everyone is setting lofty and entirely unattainable goals for themselves. Oh, and the gym is crowded (go home, resolutioners—that is my elliptical). I honestly don’t really get the whole “New Year’s resolution” thing, and I have never, NEVER said the words “new year, new me,” but I do loudly and drunkenly shout “this will be the best year ever!” every December 31st. So I suppose that’s almost the same thing. But just like it never really is the best year ever, no one ever really keeps their New Year’s resolutions.

So maybe we should give something else a try this year. When setting resolutions this year, let’s just stop being so ambitious and instead remember that we are lazy-ass bitches. Because imho, it’s better to shoot low and win then to shoot high and fail miserably.

Low Expectations

Need concrete examples? Then you should really aim low read our list of unrealistic resolutions and their practical alternatives below. Because maybe this is the year we will actually do shit. Probably not, but maybe.

1. Lose Weight

First of all—love yourself. Second of all, this is almost everyone’s life goal always, so it seems arbitrary to focus on it only on the first of the year. Instead of a broad statement that requires you to get on a scale (who in their right mind wants to do that), try committing to one extra day at the gym each week. Or even better, buy yourself a hot-ass dress in your goal size and work towards fitting into it by your company holiday party next year.

Devil Wears Prada

2. Eat Healthier

If you are thinking of trying a cleanse diet, don’t. And making sweeping declarations like “no carbs in 2018” is the same thing as lying. A more realistic challenge would be to delete your fave delivery app from your phone, making it increasingly more difficult for you to place a late night pizza order while wasted.

3. Save Money

I’m pretty sure this is verifiably impossible if you also want to have any fun. But if you are going to try anyway, tell me your secrets you could sign up for one of those services that tracks your finances (YNAB,, or join Ebates where you can get fucking paid for shopping. Or just say fuck it and buy some cryptocurrency.


4. Read More

Like, actual books? Interesting. Have you heard of Podcasts or Audible? Those seem like better options. Unless you’re really determined, in which case you could try Sears our holiday reading list.

5. Cut Out Toxic People

But then who would you talk shit about with the friends you actually like? JK that’s fucked up, you should definitely do that not do that. I legit get inspired to friend purge after every SoulCycle class, and I have only followed through once. Friend breakups are fucking awkward, and the slow fade doesn’t always work. However, conquering FOMO and saying no to things you don’t actually want to do is truly liberating, and a great way to spend less time with people you DGAF about.

Fuck Yourself

6. Spend Less Time On Social Media

That’s just silly, what would you do with all that time?

7. Find A Boyfriend/Girlfriend

I’m gonna bring this down about five notches rn—how about you just shoot for a few good dates? Or like, initiating more conversations on Hinge. Because damn girl, imagine how fucking depressing your next NYE will be if you set this goal and end up with no one to kiss at midnight.


8. Drink Less

Just be more specific, like: drink less than an alcoholic would, or drink less on Sundays.