This episode starts out with a montage of the housewives doing the exact shit you’d picture them doing if you were going to draw a caricature of them all. Carole is hanging out with her cats, Tinsley and Sonja are getting some weird placenta facials and talking about which guys Sonja has dated, and Bethenny is planning a boozefest. Basically, she’s trying to maneuver a way for all of them to get wasted at a tequila tasting in Mexico without Ramona.
Carole shows up at Bethenny’s and says that she just went to people’s court with Adam. At first, I was pretty excited to hear this because I thought they were potentially in a custody battle over one of her crusty cats, but of course, I was disappointed by yet another boring storyline. Apparently, Adam didn’t get his security deposit back from his last apartment, and Carole showed up with him. The property manager never showed up, so he won by default. Yawn.
In other news, Sonja has just discovered the “brand new trend” of being hairless. Like, she’s acting like she’s just been given new, shocking information regarding the world of hair remover.
Sonja: Apparently the new trend is that everyone is hairless.
Where even were you during the celebrity crotch shot phase of the early 2000s? Honestly, I was in middle school, and still knew it was going on. Anyway, Sonja then starts to discuss her pubic hair in great detail and I’m just like, so not down for it.
Dorinda then invites all of the women to go to a steakhouse for dinner, because they’re not going on a trip this episode and the producers need somewhere public for them to fight. Tinsley shows up dressed like a college girl in a Blair Waldorf costume, and everyone gives her shit for it.
Tinsley: I still wear tights and maryjanes!
Tinsley is beyond the point of not being able to take a hint. Dorinda literally tries to bribe her to cut three inches off of her hair. Anyway, everyone ditches the lost cause that is Tinsley’s style when Bethenny shows up, because they know a fight between her and Ramona is about to go down. Ramona’s trying to act chill because she’s been sucking up to Bethenny via iMessage for the past few days, but B is so not having it.
Ramona: Bethenny arrives and greets everyone besides me and I’m fine.
Really? Because that’s not what your face says.
Everyone keeps trying to talk about the Mexico trip, which is super awkward because Bethenny still hasn’t officially invited Ramona yet. Of course, she’s just assuming that she’s going because this is reality television and this feud is the main storyline this season so like, they’re going to need her. Bethenny decides to have a sidebar conversation with Ramona… but chooses to do so at the same table that everyone else is sitting at. To make it private, she basically just tells them not to listen. Of course, Tinsley starts eavesdropping anyway, because she is LITERALLY SITTING A FOOT AWAY, and Bethenny snaps at her.
Tinsley: One thing I’m learning about Bethenny is don’t look at her unless she gives you permission.
My new life goal is to have someone say that about me before I’m dead.
Obvi, the second Ramona gets spoken to in a tone that is anything harsher than an ass-kissing, her crazy eyes come out and she starts swinging her head around. I honestly think she could be part owl. That betch has some impressive movement capabilities in her head. Bethenny tries to be civil with Ramona by inviting her to the trip, but Ramona goes off and starts yelling about respect and keeps saying “JUST DON’T.” (Which you’ve probably seen on every season preview for the last few weeks. Don’t you love when a moment from a trailer actually finally happens?)
THEN BETHENNY LITERALLY JUST UNINVITES RAMONA.
Bethenny: I changed my mind. I don’t want you to come on the trip.
Ramona: Well, I’m coming.
Then it gets messy and Ramona starts crying and Bethenny tells her to stop with the waterworks, which in RHONY world is the equivalent of calling someone’s mother the c-word.
Carole: There’s something about Ramona that is just too intense.
Something? Try everything.
Sonja: I do want Ramona on the trip because for some sick reason, I love her! It’s not fun to watch Bethenny crush Ramona. It’s like, Game of Thrones bad.
That was Sonja’s one attempt at a culturally relevant comment, I think.
Obviously, this isn’t going to be resolved anytime soon, or else this would just be a show about Carole’s cats and Tinsley’s tights. The two make a pact to stop talking shit to each other, which is so lame and definitely unrealistic.
Literally one second later, Ramona’s at a gym with a trainer trying to lose her wine weight for Mexico.
Ramona: I know it’s good news that I’m invited to Mexico but I need to lose weight
Okay, but you’re literally not invited.
Then, Carole takes Tinsley on a double date with her friend from Chicago. He’s the guy who created that website you always hit up when you’re ordering shit online but don’t have a promo code in your inbox, aka a lifesaver.
Again, Tins proves that she really can’t figure out how to dress. She’s wearing a sequined collared shirt under a sparkly sweater. It’s disgusting. It looks like Francesca’s Closet circa 2014 threw up on her. As if a grown woman decked out in sequins wasn’t problematic enough, Tinsley mentions that she was “very skinny in a bikini on my birthday in Las Vegas” and starts rambling on about her ex husband. She keeps chugging Tito’s and even shows that she’s still wearing the ring her ex gave her in high school. This makes me feel better about every single bad date I’ve ever been on combined.
Anyway, next week’s episode looks promising AF. Tinsley yells at Ramona, which might be enough to make me like her. Mexico is probably going to be just as much of a shit show as it is when any group of excessive drinkers go there, so I’m pretty pumped.