Luann Is The Donald Trump Of Relationships: ‘Real Housewives Of New York City’ Recap

By Hannah Chambers | June 1, 2017
Mascot

Share this sh*t

This week’s episode of Real Housewives of New York City was part two of however many episodes they’re going to drag out this trip to the Berkshires for. Obviously, everyone’s still talking about Luann’s sketchy fiancé Tom and trying to get her not to marry him, even though she told them she’s going to a million times. This is basically the reality TV version of your friend being like “Oh yeah I’m so over Chad I went on two new Tinder dates,” and then being like “Okay, I just find it funny how…” like five minutes later. It’s bullshit and boring and you’re pretty much over it, but you’re going to keep paying attention on the off chance that it gets good.

The women all have an intervention for Luann and it gets super emotional. Like, Ramona cries.

Luann: Don’t you have anything better to do, Ramona?

Ramona: No!

Anyway, all the women are getting upset because pretty much every single one of them has been cheated on or has had a marriage that went worse than your last attempt at applying your own spray tan. Luann’s sitting in her chair tugging at her turtleneck telling everyone she’s totally confident in her relationship, which like, IDK, seems like pretty convincing body language to me.

Bethenny: Luann is like the Trump of relationships. “Oh, Tom had sex with another woman? That was just locker room talk!!”

Locker Room Talk

Ramona wants to find out how to apologize to Bethenny without saying sorry because she doesn’t want to be called the apologizer. I typically think that half the shit Ramona says is insane, but if homegirl comes up with a way to apologize without saying sorry, I’m interested in learning about her methods.

Listening

Next, everyone decides to build a fire in the fireplace and Carole steps in because although she pretty much said she wasn’t outdoorsy like two episodes ago, apparently she is now.

Carole: I’m very outdoorsy. I was a Girl Scout and a Brownie.

Oh come on, Carole. I was a Girl Scout and a Brownie forever and all it taught me was how to swindle my parents into buying all my cookies when I didn’t feel like selling them myself.

Turns out her being outdoorsy didn’t help, because they’re fucking indoors and the whole house filled with smoke.

Then, in the truest definition of the blind leading the blind, everyone starts giving Tinsley dating advice. It basically ends up being a philosophical debate.

Luann: Always go with your gut and trust your heart.

Bethenny: Literally never trust your heart you’ll end up in the toilet bowl.

Preach

Then, Luann pretty much tells Bethenny that her issue with her ex, Jason, isn’t that bad because she has her daughter. Bethenny’s still going through tons of shit, like as we now know getting stalked and harassed by Jason (allegedly), and so she gets reasonably annoyed that Luann won’t just take her word for it and drop it, and ends up having a total breakdown.

Luann: Are you crying because I’m getting married?

Oh my god, literally shut up Luann.

Luann then says she thinks the reason Bethenny says her wedding is a bad idea is that she’s dealing with her own problems and projecting them onto the former countess. Um, I don’t think that’s it, but sure.

Jason is still controlling Bethenny, telling her she’s a bad mom and harassing Dennis, which is totally fucked up.

Finally, everyone eats dinner and Ramona starts to get even stranger than she normally is. She’s obv blackout. She keeps talking about all of the food like a total creep.

Ramona: So moist. So succulent.

Ew

Please stop.

Ramona eventually gets drunk enough that she slinks over to Bethenny to attempt her non-apology apology. It’s like, super creepy. Why does she keep her eyes closed the whole time she’s apologizing? It’s like she’s summoning a demon or having an exorcism or something.

Bethenny: It’s like a creepy over the shoulder wine breath apology. Is that an apology or are you just happy to see me?

Tinsley kindly makes dinner even more awkward by asking why nobody is invited to the wedding except for Dorinda, so Bethenny runs it down for her. Here’s a quick little recap:

Bethenny called Luann a whore.

Sonja fucked Tom, Luann’s fiancé. (Before he was Luann’s fiancé, but still.)

Ramona is on a personal mission to ruin the wedding.

Carole’s boyfriend used to be Tom’s chef who once dated Luann’s niece. (She could also have been Tom’s niece, but this was a slightly confusing rundown so I’m trying my very best, okay??)

Ramona ruins a chair and leaves a mess at the table, which just further proves my point that she’s probably a hoarder. Bethenny asks Tinsley what the hell is up with her creepy man voice, which is something I’ve been waiting for all episode.

Thank You

Ramona doesn’t feel as though her non-apology really worked, so she swoops in for round two. But like, she’s really nervous about it because she’s probably in love with Bethenny or something. Bethenny begins to have what is probably going to be a pretty heated conversation with her just before the credits start rolling, and I’m actually really looking forward to next week’s episode because watching Ramona try to control her facial expressions is some of the wildest shit I’ve ever seen.

Ramona Singer