Remember last week when I said this week’s episode of Real Housewives of New York looked really promising? Well, I was right. (Not like that’s a surprise.) This was actually one of my favorite RHONY episodes ever. There is truly so much to talk about with this episode, but let’s start with the first and most pressing thing which is the fact that Tinsley casually mentions that her first date with the dude Carole wants to hook her up with lasted five days. They went to Miami together. I can’t decide if that’s some stage five clinger shit, or the greatest power move I’ve ever heard of. This also only works when you’re a celeb with cameras that follow you around everywhere. Anybody else who accepts a ticket to Miami as a first date is on their way to being murdered. That’s just like, a fact.
In other news, Sonja receives an unsolicited dick pic that was meant for someone else. Uh, ew. On top of that, she decided she’s not drinking for the Mexico trip, which was planned as an intentional booze fest. Personally, I’m shocked that she’s capable of being sober after that.
Ramona officially lasted seven minutes into the episode (which is actually less if you count the quick little “last week on RHONY” montage) without trying to weasel her way into the best room on the trip. I’m seriously so over Ramona and Sonja’s weird obsession with needing to stay in the same, best room with a bathtub and an ocean view that’s in close proximity to the kitchen. They’re almost more painful to watch than an episode of Tiny House Hunters.
Bethenny, like the rest of the world, is so over Ramona’s whole room picking charade.
Bethenny: You can’t be a miserable disgusting grabby twat, but yet, she can. Sonja’s just as bad, she’s an accomplice.
Watching Sonja and Ramona pick rooms is my least favorite part of every single housewives trip. Like, if it weren’t for Bethenny talking shit about them and eventually calling them out, I’d probably just save myself a migraine and fast forward through it all.
Bethenny attempts to shut down the whole thing by having everyone choose a number to decide what order the rooms are picked in. Yep, you read that right. Grown ass women have to pick a number out of a hat to pick rooms. I can’t. Tinsley and Luann end up with first and second choice and of course, Ramona and Sonja have tons to say about it because they expect Tinsley to sell her soul to Sonja and hate Luann for being actually married.
To add to the mess, Tinsley gives her first choice spot to Bethenny to thank her for arranging the entire trip and obv, Sonja loses it. As if throwing multiple temper tantrums wasn’t enough, Ramona and Sonja then steal the rooms that Dorinda and Carole chose. I don’t even have any decent commentary for that… it’s just stupid.
This trip is cliquey AF. It’s Tinsley, Dorinda, Luann and Carole against Sonja and Ramona, and then Bethenny is just the queen fucking bee that nobody is allowed to speak to directly. The popular girls are all sitting together gossiping and Ramona and Sonja are sharing an intimate moment by the ocean. Ramona starts rubbing Sonja and telling her about how she’s going to be in her life forever. Ooookay.
Ramona: Let’s live in the moment. I’m in a good place and you’re in a good place.
I really, really thought Ramona was about to propose.
Sonja: I’m trying to focus on what she’s saying but her face is like a pizza pie with no cheese.
Thank you, Sonja (and adult acne) for cutting that tension.
Bethenny shows up 90 minutes late to dinner and is the first one there. Honestly, I need to get myself a friend group like that. It’s unclear why everyone is late, other than the fact that they’ve been slamming tequila all day and Tinsley is having a meltdown. A story about her gets leaked to Page Six about how she is an ungrateful house guest and should give Sonja a gift. Tins assumes that it was Ramona, but due to the fact that Ramona apparently only rips off the press to place nice stories about herself, Bethenny thinks it was Sonja.
Bethenny: Nobody cares. I care that nobody is at dinner.
Everyone’s drunk, but Luann is particularly tanked, which is rare because everyone agrees that she can hold her liquor the best. Anyway, they’re all sitting around the dinner table waiting for Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum to show up. They’re probably like, sponge bathing each other or something, but Luann says they’re doing their makeup.
Bethenny: Putting makeup on Ramona’s face today is like throwing an extra deck chair off the QE2. I mean like, leave it alone, you know what I mean?
BTW, the QE2 is the Queen Elizabeth 2 for those of you who didn’t have the time to Google that. Normally I’d feel stupid about not knowing something, but judging from the confused look on Tinsley’s face, I was not the only one.
Side note: Ramona and Sonja are literally dressed like Paris and Nicole from season two of The Simple Life and honestly, I totally love it.
Luann thanked Bethenny for arranging the trip, which pisses Ramona off because she apparently hates when people are nice to Bethenny.
Bethenny: Ramona could fuck up a wet dream.
I actually screamed at that line. Like, not just type “lol screaming” screamed. I actually laugh-shrieked.
Everyone’s fucked up just yelling at each other. I love it.
Turnt up Tinsley brings up the Page Six drama and Ramona just continues being a human tornado and tearing through every social situation like a natural disaster. Thankfully, Tins is drunk enough to handle it the way all of us wish everyone would handle Ramona.
Tinsley: SHUT THE FUCK UP RAMONA
Ramona: Tinsley, settle down. You are nearing hysteria.
When did Ramona become the zen master? Her resting state is nearing hysteria, but whatever.
Tinsley is pissed because Sonja called her a bad houseguest, yet she’s running around fighting over rooms being the literal worst houseguest in all of history.
Anyway, I’m kind of loving Tinsley this episode. She starts screaming and crying and putting on a pretty good show. 10/10 meltdown, Tins. Welcome to the franchise.
Then comes the best moment of maybe the entire series, when Luann stands up, says “shake your booty” and IMMEDIATELY FALLS IN A BUSH. This is honestly television gold and is footage that will probably be used for seasons to come. Bravo, Luann.
The episode ends with Luann being a crazy, yet harmless drunk chick, which I’m all for. I’m slightly concerned that someone potentially slipped something into her drink, but we know that she definitely survived the Mexico trip because it was filmed months ago, so we can all laugh at her drunk antics without worry. Amen.