Not sure what to get your situationship for Valentine’s Day? Well, look no further because Build-A-Bear’s After Dark Teddy Bears are the perfect fit for anyone who loves sexualized teddy bears! (Yes, this is 100% real.) In order to find these scantily clad teddies, you must enter the “Bear Cave” where you will have to confirm you’re 18 or older to discover the seedy side of Build-A-Bear’s adult workshop. I SIMPLY CANNOT BE MAKING THIS UP!
But don’t be afraid! This is good news!! Those memories you have of your seventh birthday party at Build-A-Bear don’t need to be tainted. Think of it this way, now you can have your bachelorette there too. Every girl’s dream!!! And if you’re worried about how you’ll “receive your Furry Friend,” the website assures you can “stuff it in-store” if that’s your preference. No judgement! Some prefer to receive privately or be stuffed in a public setting.
Admittedly, I have sooo many questions. Why do half the teddy bears have devil horns and a tail? And why does the other half appear to be functioning alcoholics? While I wait for a B.A.B. representative to contact me/reimburse me for my emergency therapy session, please enjoy this slutty ranking of Build-A-Bear’s After Dark Teddy Bears from terrible to bearable. (Yes, I write that pun with my whole chest.)
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Did Barkleigh start chugging that caBEARnet before choosing her outfit? That graphic tee and pleather skirt is giving millennial wine mom at best. Enjoy the Live, Laugh, Love poster, Barkleigh! Hope getting wine drunk on a Tuesday soothes the pain of getting last place.
11. Mixed Drink Teddy
What in the alcoholism is this? According to Build-A-Bear’s website, he goes by Devilishly Cute Ted but he probably gave himself that nickname before he was kicked out of his frat house for his terrible taste in liquor. Someone please come pick up their situationship before he does something he regrets — like hitting on your best friend after chugging a beer.
Honestly, I’ve never liked a frog in jeans and the rest of his outfit isn’t helping his case. Tuxedo shirt for Valentine’s Day?! Should I expect gym shorts and flip flops on our first anniversary? Get the fuck out of here with this half-ass date fit! Also, is this supposed to be a frog princess reference? Because his face is honestly just freaking me out. I can’t look in both of his eyes at once. This Voldemort-looking-ass only gets 10th place because he remembered to bring roses.
If my date showed up with a graphic tee that read “I want to take you out” in blood red font I would quietly accept death because that guy is definitely a murderer. Why is this shirt so threatening?! Also, did he steal those sunglasses from a 3-D movie bin? Keep it moving, ninth place.
Damn girl, you just walk into a room telling everyone you’re horny af. I get it, it’s been a minute but did you really need the combination “You turn me on” crop top and denim mini skirt to try to seal the deal? Where’s the air of mystery? Eighth place.
7. Ted In A Flaming Hearts Suit
Oh great, this guy again. Devilishly Cute Ted decided to take it up a notch and… actually put on clothes. It’s giving Austin Powers with his mini me. He’s so desperate he brought in a third. It’s not happening, buddy!
Hugh Hefner has been reincarnated into this teddy bear and you cannot convince me otherwise. Build-A-Bear swears he goes by Happy Hugs Teddy (honestly, that just sounds like a restraining order waiting to happen). I guess I’m just happy he comes with champagne so you can forget all of the weird sex positions he will most definitely expect.
Did someone rob him? Or did he choose to purposely look like a buffoon? (That’s a really big diss in the monkey world!!!) According to B.A.B. this guy plans to “go bananas” on Valentine’s Day, and is “ready for some monkey business in his satin heart boxers.” Jesus fucking Christ. Did I just read porn? Fifth place for the bow-tie.
4. “I Like the Crêpe Out of You” Teddy
Okay, props for the boots. He’s rugged yet sensitive. He enjoys a good dad joke but without the dad bod. And he’s French!! Am I hitting on a teddy bear? Maybe.
Barkleigh may be a wine mom at heart but she does not fuck around when it comes to dress-up. A black slip? A red cape?! She just wants to wear a slutty little outfit and I respect her for that. Too bad her name is spelled like the most annoying girl in class. Save the costume for Halloween, sweetheart. Third place.
2. Lovable Lion “Zaddy”
Clearly Lovable Lion knows how to step up his game. A dirty martini with extra olives? A self aware t-shirt? Shaping his mane into a heart-shape? If he wanted, he would! Ultimately, I’m just impressed how realistic it is that this Zaddy wears reading glasses. Jeff Goldblum would be proud.
1. Ted In Chocolate Covered Strawberry Underwear
You gotta love the commitment in this photoshoot. Also, extra credit for matching the chocolate covered strawberry with the underwear. Somehow Mr. Devilishly Cute has ended on top even though we all know he’s a bottom. Congrats on first place! But at what cost?